How to not get triggered by DH

[Soootired23]

It's a very, very long story and overall I'm over it (or as over as I'll ever be).

I'm a fairly reactive/ shouty person. No amount of therapy and anger management has resolved it, so no I just try to keep a distance from situations that could trigger (i.e. telling the DC to clean their rooms, I still tell them, but maybe after the second time I just stop).

So over the weekend my DH annoyed me. (He went and started clearing our DSs room even though I said I would do it as most things are mine). For context I WFH and a little corner of my son's room is my dedicated space to work. As you can tell he then ignored me. Then I said again that I would do it, and then went to start clearing my corner and even dropped my laptop (an accident). I then lost it and started shouting at him. Up to that point I think it was salvageable, but then he told me I "shouldn't treat him that way" and that really triggered me as he treated me like absolute crap for years and years (continuously), so that brought back all of that baggage. Which obviously wasn't great.

Any way we could avoid this?.

Leave each other. Sounds dreadful and stressful.

If he's treated you like crap for years, leave him.

What's the point of staying together when you bring out the worst in each other?

We're actually ok, we really have a disagreement once or maybe twice a year for the past 3 years.

He actually has brought the better in me (believe or not) massive improvement from my ex husband. Even my DD says so.

There are two separate issues here.

1. He's right you shouldn't have shouted at him in that situation, total over reaction.

1. But treating you like crap over the years isn't on - why are you still together? It doesn't sound like a good partnership af all.

To 99.99% of people I overreact , so the solution is to get out of situations so I don't overreact, and it has worked wonders.

We are still together because I turned a blind eye to it, then gave an ultimatum and AFAIK he changed .

As an aside, I think you should move your workspace out of your son's room. It should be his personal space, and I can't see it being a great work environment for you.

Just because he’s an improvement on your ex husband doesn’t mean it’s a good relationship it just means he’s less shitty than your ex and your bar is low.

it sounds like an awful hostile place to live and your poor children must be walking on egg shells.

you obviously haven’t found the right therapists if nothing has helped.

So is it the issue that you go into a rage if he tries to help and you don't like it?
You ask children to clear up then back down is that indicative of everything? Do you resent ending up doing it?
I think you need to build an office cupboard and keep your crap in it for your daughter's sake.

There's nowhere else for now. Ideally will convert the garage one day.

People used to walk on egg shells (at least not anymore). I simply don't care about most things anymore.

But I don't like people touching my things, never have.

It’s separate issues really.

If you’re not happy with him then leave.

If you can’t communicate with him in these situations without shouting on at him then leave for his sake, and the sake of the children, because it’s not healthy or fair for that to be the way conflict or disagreement is handled.

Divorce for the sake of your DC

I can communicate with him, very well in fact. He just completely ignored my wishes.

Anyway, we're not separating because of the way I react, they happen so little (like once a year) that the outcome (breaking up a family) seems the overreaction.

So what you’re saying is, you were in a shit abusive marriage which you swapped for a Grade 7 prick instead of a Grade 10 one. This one’s treated you like shit for years too, but your children see it an an improvement as they’re pretty fucked up by having a childhood full of aggressive pricks anyway. You’ve had tons of therapy to try and train you to dead-eyed acceptance of him STILL trying to flex his muscles and show you who’s boss, but it hasn’t worked. And clearly the ultimatum also hasn’t worked, as here he is flicking you the bird still at simple requests to leave your things alone, letting you know for example that trying to ask him to respect you will simply result in your things being damaged, for example. So you’re asking what in earth you can do now to stop reacting? Is this a fair summary-?

I am similar, in that I feel irrationally angry when people don’t listen to me like that. It feels like a boundary violation and very threatening. However for me, therapy helped me see why I am so sensitive and threatened by this, helped me communicate more clearly with DH about the issue, and take responsibility for my responses. It’s not gone, in fact I have had a horrible morning where I got overly upset at the kids for not listening to a really clear request. But it’s a me issue. Yes they need to respect me, but losing my shit is all on me. Maybe I’m wrong, but it sounds when you say ‘no amount of therapy has helped’ you’re not taking enough responsibility for your responses. You need to really want to change, and really disabuse yourself of the notion that how you respond is because of the other person’s behaviour.

That said, there’s clearly a backstory here in your relationship and I’m absolutely not telling you not to feel what you feel about it, he is right though that you shouldn’t treat him like that. When you feel triggered it feels like a reasonable responses but it’s really not. He also shouldn’t go ahead and do things you’ve asked him not to do, also not reasonable.

His abuse was silent, nobody really saw as it was financial (for the most part), not verbal nor physical.

I get triggered by bad things from my past (ptsd etc). So when boundaries are crossed I can turn into the yelling person as I’m reacting to the thing the person is doing or saying. I’m a quiet placid introvert really but I like a lot of time alone. I also do not like my things being touched once again relating to my past. So I’d probably have ended up yelling or in tears or probably both as well.

Move your work area out of your sons room though that’s the main point, even a corner of the lounge would be better. Also if your DH doesn’t get what he did was not ok I’d start looking for a new life without him.

If you’re shouting at him, you’re not communicating well at all actually.

Perhaps it seems an overreaction to you, but you’re not the one being shouted at. I wouldn’t put up with that personally and would tell any of my friends the same if they were being shouted at over tidying a room.

So in that case, you were both wrong.

And ime, I explode like this because I’ve been quiet on many things that are an issue for me and then it’s a case of the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

You asked your dh not touch your stuff. He should have listened and he can’t then tell you it’s all your fault for over reacting.
You shouted and lashed out at him but really what happened is that you used as an emotional punching bag. You were annoyed he didn’t listen. That you had to do the tidying up just right now and then dropped the laptop. It’s not that much that you were over reacting but rather that it wasn’t the isdue you were angry about!

fwiw I’m really uncomfortable with the fact you are convinced it’s always you being unreasonable and over reacting. Not if it’s the sort of incident you are dealing with. And not with someone who ‘used to be awful because he could’

Are you sure he wasn't deliberately trying to wind you up. It seems pretty odd he would insist on cleaning around you while you are working and drop your laptop as well.

Well that has been the solution I just distance myself, and it has worked. I've never shouted at my youngest for example, and he's 5, so to me that's a massive step.

I haven't shouted at my daughter in the past 2/3 years and one most people would have lost their shit!

But the OP didn’t start with shouting did she?
She stated calmly and clearly she would do it later on

What happened though is that her dh completely disregarded her request and did whatever he wanted with HER stuff.
Was that ok?

It wouldn't be breaking up because of your overreaction exactly.

It would be breaking up because you feel entitled to "overreact" due to the way he's treated you over the years.

Your relationship may be better than your prior marriage, but it's pretty rotten under the surface.

IF he's changed his ways (which you don't seem fully confident of), you still resent him (probably quite validly).