How to not get triggered by DH

[Soootired23]

It's a very, very long story and overall I'm over it (or as over as I'll ever be).

I'm a fairly reactive/ shouty person. No amount of therapy and anger management has resolved it, so no I just try to keep a distance from situations that could trigger (i.e. telling the DC to clean their rooms, I still tell them, but maybe after the second time I just stop).

So over the weekend my DH annoyed me. (He went and started clearing our DSs room even though I said I would do it as most things are mine). For context I WFH and a little corner of my son's room is my dedicated space to work. As you can tell he then ignored me. Then I said again that I would do it, and then went to start clearing my corner and even dropped my laptop (an accident). I then lost it and started shouting at him. Up to that point I think it was salvageable, but then he told me I "shouldn't treat him that way" and that really triggered me as he treated me like absolute crap for years and years (continuously), so that brought back all of that baggage. Which obviously wasn't great.

Any way we could avoid this?.

How much therapy have you had?

5 continuous years. Plus anger management, plus silvercloud, plus some counselling with the NHS. She discharged me because I was too complex.

F

So then I don't understand what you're asking?

I dont think forgiving is a one off event.
It’s not a case ‘oh I’ve forgiven him so now I should act as if it never happened’.

Rather forgiveness is earn through rebuilding trust.

And right now, he hasn’t fully earn your trust back. That’s why you go back to ‘yay but look at what happened before’. What you need is reassurance it won’t happen again. And when he is refusing to listen to you like he has, he is proving quite the opposite. That you can’t trust him.

I’m going to say you haven’t found the right counsellor yet.

It took several attempts to find one that ‘got me’ and that I felt truly comfortable with. Before that, I made some progress but got nowhere near actually tackling the real issues.

Youre also mentioning ND.
Have you had support specifically around your ND?

It is! And I mean the overreact when you take everyone into account. The last time I had a "fight" with him was in June last year and it was 100% related to what he did.

No, I'm still waiting. It's a long waiting list.

Doing something that someone has twice asked you not to do is not “helping”.
It actually looks like deliberate goading. If your partner says “no I’ll do it” why would you go ahead and do it? And then why would you carry on doing it when they again asked you not to? When it was your partner’s stuff you were messing with? I’d have been angry too. Why could he not have just done something else instead?

Yes he did. For 4 years. I didn't know the extent when we married otherwise I wouldn't have married him (although I had my concerns). That plus other things, but the key thing was the financial abuse.

No one can stop your dh from triggering you. Only you can develop the skills to manage your impulsive rage and the wisdom to know when to leave. In other words:you need good therapy. Look into DBT as it will help you with mood issues.

Yay. I’ve seen that happening quite a few times on the NHS.
Usually because they are stuck using very specific tools (eg CBT) that aren’t suitable for the issue (eg Trauma).
But you have to jump through the hoops first to get anywhere. If you get somewhere.

It depends if someone has moaned repeatedly loudly and aggressively about kids not tidying room then passive aggressive ill do it then the DH maybe trying to defuse the situation to stop the ops aggressive shouting especially if in between she's still moaning about having to tidy up the kids shit....but by the sounds of it it's not their shit but hers so sorting a dedicated area would make it clearer.
Maybe everyone is on eggshells because of ops abusive reaction?

Nobody is in egg shells, and nobody moans about the cleanliness of the house (at least I don't). The one that sometimes does is my DH, sometimes he moans and does something, sometimes he moans doesn't do anything.
He doesn't like it when I clean because it's not to his standard, but he never mentions it, just internalises it and told me in a very calmed way.

For years he couldn't understand why I couldn't also clean the house when working form home. That has gone away thank goodness!

I feel pretty sorry for you OP.

I think it sounds like he very much does deserve to be treated like that and I can see exactly why him saying that would make your blood boil.

I think you should end the marriage to be honest. And stay single and watch how that anger just disappears.

He’s treated you like crap for years, you have unmanageable anger issues - but the relationship is “actually ok”??? Doesn’t sound like it at all. I grew up with a parent like you, and let me tell you, nothing is “actually ok” for your DC

My reactive, anger issues suffering parent would have said the same thing. “No one walks on eggshells, no one moans”. In reality, we all moaned to each other in hushed whispers but smiled and pretended all was good to the parent to not set them off.

Congratulations, you’ve never shouted at a 5 year old child. Well done, OP, your medal’s in the post. What’s next? “I shouted at my DD in the past but I never hit her, so I’m basically an angel!” ???

Your poor kids - they’re going to have a lot of damage to undo as they get older, your DD especially

Well it's an improvement to my own youth. My youth was an improvement to my parents.

Yes I SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD CHILDREN but clearly it's too late for that.

You really seem stuck in the mindset of "well I had it worse so my behaviour is perfectly ok". Yes, you say that you understand shouting isn't on but then you try to justify it seconds later.

It is not normal to have explosive arguments with your DH. Many couples go decades or even a lifetime without ever shouting at each other (disagreeing and arguing, sure, but not screaming at each other).

You are completely in denial over the effect that has on your kids. Your poor son doesn't even have the safety and privacy of his room to retreat to. Apparently, you have a garage. Why can't you work there? Work in a corner of your own bedroom? Work absolutely anywhere except in your children's space?

Sounds like you've been in survival mode for years as you've been treading water in an abusive marriage. If things really have improved a bit as you say, it's time to shift out of that survival mindset. Your kids have needs beyond the basic food/clothing/shelter. They need emotional safety, a predictable environment, a safe space of their own. They need you to be calm, reassuring and dependable. It sounds like they currently don't know when they're going to set you off and when you're going to start shouting again. That's a terrible way to grow up.

Keep going to therapy. You've got to get a handle on this for your children's sake.