How to not get triggered by DH

[Soootired23]

It's a very, very long story and overall I'm over it (or as over as I'll ever be).

I'm a fairly reactive/ shouty person. No amount of therapy and anger management has resolved it, so no I just try to keep a distance from situations that could trigger (i.e. telling the DC to clean their rooms, I still tell them, but maybe after the second time I just stop).

So over the weekend my DH annoyed me. (He went and started clearing our DSs room even though I said I would do it as most things are mine). For context I WFH and a little corner of my son's room is my dedicated space to work. As you can tell he then ignored me. Then I said again that I would do it, and then went to start clearing my corner and even dropped my laptop (an accident). I then lost it and started shouting at him. Up to that point I think it was salvageable, but then he told me I "shouldn't treat him that way" and that really triggered me as he treated me like absolute crap for years and years (continuously), so that brought back all of that baggage. Which obviously wasn't great.

Any way we could avoid this?.

Because the garage is not suitable for it (we'd have to make it, but years of no money thanks to my DH make it not the priority). The conservatory was not suitable for it (I did try for a year) and the icing room has been decided was not a great place.

My room only fits my bed, so obviously it can't go there.

and the icing room has been decided was not a great place.

Did you mean living room? The way you've put it "has been decided" sounds like it wasn't you that decided that?

I'm not saying it's not normal BTW, but I quite frankly have seen a massive improvement.

My parents should never have had me either realistically but they did. Neither were really good at it in their own ways and had too much trauma to handle. Which then passed on to me, plus my father's shenanigans which have left him in prison. To which I had to run and hide for years with a paranoid mother.

I still think I have an OK life and my DD (who has been to therapy too) has seen our relationship as a massive improvement. I had years of PND (undiagnosed too).

I'm not saying it's normal and that they don't deserve better, but it's hard. It's hard with my past and have never been never been able to get rid of it. It's MILES better and to me that's an OK place to be.

I'll never be perfect. I know this. Now this is a much better place to be that wanting to NOT live which I was too. I'm asking to delete this thread as it's just too much.

Why was the conservatory not suitable? And not sure what you mean by icing room (living room?) but who decided it's not a great place?

I would urge you to work in a less-than-ideal location in order to prioritise giving your son his own space. It would make such a huge difference for him.

It's a deep instinct in all of us to what to retreat to safe space when feeling stressed or tense. You say your family has some tensions. It's then even more important to provide your son with that safe space.

Therapy takes time and effort. Changing family dynamics takes time effort.

Making a positive change in your son's life could take an hour of moving furniture around. Please consider it.

Yes the living room my DH didn't like it because it's a shared space with everyone. Plus I have the external monitor and he thought it didn't look that nice overall.

I think he's being quite selfish here.

Me moving to my son's is fairly recent, it's been months not years.

The conservatory was too extreme weather wise (my equipment was damaged).
My son historically has never been in his room which is why we chose it.

Before I did it from my stepssons room (just moved around with my laptop), but wasn't ideal because I needed the second monitor.

Sorry you feel the thread isn't helping.

I do feel like if you know 99% of women wouldn't have stuck around for the way you've been treated by your husband - maybe you shouldn't be either. Why shouldn't you value yourself more?

It sounds like you've been through a lot.

It was the lesser of two evils really.

I had no friends, no family, completely alone and I had already been divorced I didn't want to a) look like a failure to others b) I wanted to believe in the life he promised we would have.
Plus I had reinvested tons of my own inheritance money to buy our house. And according to all solicitors I would have lost £100k+ (at the very least £150k) and I will never have forgiven myself for losing so much money.

Oh and also the living room is not a good place because I need a quiet space for meetings. In our previous house it was a massive issue that I had to teach (the computer was in the living room) and the DC had to stay quiet because of the noise would go through the zoom call.

I have a job that has client calls on a daily basis.

My goodness @Soootired23, you know you're in an abusive relationship don't you? It's very common for women in your situation to suppress, suppress, suppress, and then explode, and then the abuser has a lovely extra tool to use because 'she's mad'.

I'm not surprised therapy hasn't helped you. It can't help you. The only thing that can help you is getting away from this man.

That's the long and short of it.

Nothing will change, you will still feel confused and undone and angry, and you'll feel it's a you problem. Because why?

Because he's trained you to be like that, because it suits him for you to feel as though your feet aren't on the ground, because when you feel it's all about you not being ok, he's feeling fucking brilliant. It suits his utterly fucked-up view of the world to make you wrong, because that makes him right.

I want to tell every woman in your situation, 'IT'S NOT YOU'.

Really.

OP, I do feel that perhaps a relationship is not viable for you at this time. You have complex mental health needs, and being in a relationship seems to be an unnecessary stressor. It might be time to call time on things until you can get a handle on your own mental health and figure out what you really need. Your strategy of removing yourself from triggering situations can easily become avoidance behaviour, which only reinforces your issues

I have thought at times I've been in one, but when I called the helplines they really didn't get where I was coming from.

That being said, I don't think he is abusing me anymore (at least he definitely isn't financially) the other stuff he did I'll never have the certainty if he stopped altogether but that's not something that bothers me that much or that is ever present. It just comes out when I'm having a low mood.

We have and it didn't really work. He also went separately but we didn't think it worked.

I've at least tried different things over the years.

Wait, your current DH was financially abusing you? Or your ex DH was?

This relationship gets worse the more we hear about it 🙈

Why was he in a rush to tidy your things up from your son’s bedroom? If you work in their regularly is there a routine in place with regards to tidying up the work things at the end of the day?

So basically OP you are asking us what you can do to not react.? It is a tough one, you know, because a person can only take so much. We all have our limits and perhaps you have reached yours.