To wonder if I'm destined to be heartbroken forever [content warning added by MNHQ: thread concerns CSA]

[Cel77]

I'm going to cut a long story short.
My sister (early forties) has disclosed 3 years ago that our dad raped her since she was a toddler and during her whole childhood. I just can't see how this could have been as we all lived in the same house, she shared a room with her twin etc... No one can remember anything like that but all my other siblings (there are 6 of us) are believing her. I just cannot. She told me he did the same thing to me but I can't remember anything like this. I think I'd have remembered something so awful (and I remember lots of stuff from my childhood).
My poor mum has been accused of being complicit of the abuse (as in she was aware of it). She's a broken woman in her 70s now.
I have no idea what to believe tbh. I will never know for sure. My sister has been unwell physically (Lyme disease) and psychologically for years.
I love all of my family but there have always been huge cracks behind the apparent happy facade. All my siblings have gone non contact with my parents. They both live a very isolated life. My mum doesn't go out at all. She's cut herself off from the few friends she had.
I'm the only one with children out of all of us. We see my parents twice a year (I live abroad).
I feel heartbroken because:

• my family is broken
• I feel so much pity for my mum. She's had a hard life,and cannot even enjoy her later years in peace (even though I struggle with our relationship, I feel immense pity for her as a person)
• I feel I've lost my family
• I feel my children are missing out on all those aunts and uncle (two haven't met my second child,who is 5 already). They don't know them.
• I don't even know how to explain this awful turn of events to my children when they're older
• I fear my parents' deaths so much as they won't have anyone's support but mine (and I live abroad). I'm worried they'll suffer immensely as their children turned their back on them (apart from me).
• I worry for my autistic son (9) all the time,and can't share any of these worries with my family because no one is really well enough to be supportive and willing to listen
• I suffer from high anxiety and always think the worst will happen (it has in some ways).

-I feel I'm grieving for people who are alive

I know I need therapy but it won't fix my family and the future. I feel this enormous weight on my shoulders, and try very hard to not pass it on to my children.
Some days, I feel so shockingly sad that I lose all hope for the future.
I turn to the Samaritans as I don’t know how to explain the whole mess and its impact on me (friends will say "oh,that's nice " when I tell them.my parents are coming for a few days, even though they know the situation. It's like nobody can understand the utter soul destruction that has happened).

I want to know if I'll be able to not be crippled by sadness and anxiety one day. I can't know of course. I suppose this post is to allow me to out my situation, and maybe glean some useful perspectives.

I’m so very sorry 💐💐💐

This is so awful for you. That is a lot to process. Let yourself process it all. 💐

She’s never had antibiotics for Lyme?

This is awful but this isn’t about you or the wider family. This is about your sister who has been abused, she should be the centre of the concerns.

The Lyme disease was picked on after years of her being unwell. Too late for antibiotics (they have to be taken very quickly after a bite).

I cannot believe her. I wished I could because it would be easier. I know it sounds awful but I just can't. My priority is my children.

This thread is about OP and she’s entitled to discuss how it’s affecting her and her children.

This thread needs a trigger warning ⚠️

Why on earth would believing her affect your children being your priority?

Would you believe one of your children if they told you this had happened to them?

You say your sister has been psychologically unwell for years, do you know her diagnosis? Is she the reason that none of your siblings speak to your parents or do they have their own personal reasons? It would be a red flag for me, if somebody started telling me that something had happened to me, that I know didn't happen.

Because they love their grandparents. I love my parents. I don't believe my sister. I love my sister . It's not all black or white unfortunately. Nothing about it is simple. My sister said what she said 40 years after it would have happened. I lived my whole childhood/teen years in the same house. I don't remember my dad ever not being the kind, gentle man he's alway been.
I wished I could believe her as it would make my life simpler but I just can't.

Do you allow your children to be alone with their grandfather?

She never got a diagnosis apart from the Lyme disease. She has ADHD (self diagnosed at 24). She's been on anti depressants for years. She cannot work due to her poor health.
My other siblings have stopped all contact with our parents after she told us what she told us.
She said our dad raped me when I was 9. I remember lots of stuff from when I was 9. You'd think that this would have been etched in my brain!

No. I live abroad so we only see them twice a year. We're always all together when we do stuff.

In the vast, vast majority of cases, people who say they have been abused are telling the truth. Politically, it is important to start from the premise of always believing the survivor. I was a Rape Crisis counsellor for years, and never questioned a survivor's testimony.

However, it is obviously logically possible for someone to claim to have been abused when they have not been. Either because they are choosing to lie, or because they are suffering from a delusion.

OP may be certain that this is the case with her sister. It sounds as if her sister's testimony involves claims and details that OP knows for certain are factually untrue.

You ask about believing one's child. I would almost always believe my child if she claimed to be abused, yes. I would not believe her against the evidence of my own understanding and experience - I know that it is logically possible she could lie or be mistaken.

OP has come to this thread to share her own trauma and distress. We can't support her sister through the thread - we can support OP.

OP, your situation sounds horrendous. You mention living abroad from your family. Is that a situation that could or would ever change? Would you want it to?

I would suggest counselling would be helpful. It won't heal your family of course, but it might help you find coping mechanisms to better deal with the trauma. And in particular it might give you a space to share your concerns over your own son.

Sounds like op is in denial.

I wonder why your siblings seem so inclined to believe your sister when you yourself do not. What was their experience of your father growing up?

I think the point of the thread is the OP doesn't know what to believe. She's been presented with a horrifying accusation but has no evidence and can't remember anything untoward happening. It's especially odd that the sister would say it happened to her too, and yet she has no memory of it.

You are being told something absolutely heinous about one of your parents but you don't know if it's true. That's where I think the turmoil is coming from.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to chastise the OP for not believing her sister when her sister has told her things which she doesn’t remember. Not as an extremely small child, but as a nine year old.

I remember (very different) traumatic things that happened to me as a seven year old, viscerally. I don’t believe that I would be able to block
them out - certainly not if they were triggered by someone else recounting them to me.

OP I believe you are right to question this - and I would join the chorus of people advocating your own therapy before you consider anyone else’s feelings too heavily!

Did she say how she thinksnshe knows what happened to you when you were 9? Was she there? Did you tell her?

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, it sounds like an absolute nightmare.

Op I think your reasons for not believing her are completely valid, shes telling you things happened to you at age 9 that you have absolutely no memory of so it's perfectly valid for you to not believe her

Where does “prioritising your children” come into it? Very strange comment.

OP, why is it all your siblings believe your sister but you do not? Do they not remember him as the kind gentle man that you do?

Have you told your siblings you do not believe her? And if so, what do they say to this?

Does your mother believe it to be lies?

Xxx

Yes this, I think all that matters is that you don't remember it, so as far as you're concerned it didn't happen why should your sisters version of events override yours? maybe it didn't happen, why does your sisters version have to be right?

I’d normally believe someone saying that as it’s too awful to make up but if they also said it happened to myself at 9 years old then I would not believe them. You would remember that. It seems like because you’re the only one not on her side that she’s trying to shock you into believing her.