Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To wonder if I'm destined to be heartbroken forever [content warning added by MNHQ: thread concerns CSA]

60 replies

Cel77 · 27/10/2024 21:21

I'm going to cut a long story short.
My sister (early forties) has disclosed 3 years ago that our dad raped her since she was a toddler and during her whole childhood. I just can't see how this could have been as we all lived in the same house, she shared a room with her twin etc... No one can remember anything like that but all my other siblings (there are 6 of us) are believing her. I just cannot. She told me he did the same thing to me but I can't remember anything like this. I think I'd have remembered something so awful (and I remember lots of stuff from my childhood).
My poor mum has been accused of being complicit of the abuse (as in she was aware of it). She's a broken woman in her 70s now.
I have no idea what to believe tbh. I will never know for sure. My sister has been unwell physically (Lyme disease) and psychologically for years.
I love all of my family but there have always been huge cracks behind the apparent happy facade. All my siblings have gone non contact with my parents. They both live a very isolated life. My mum doesn't go out at all. She's cut herself off from the few friends she had.
I'm the only one with children out of all of us. We see my parents twice a year (I live abroad).
I feel heartbroken because:

  • my family is broken
  • I feel so much pity for my mum. She's had a hard life,and cannot even enjoy her later years in peace (even though I struggle with our relationship, I feel immense pity for her as a person)
  • I feel I've lost my family
  • I feel my children are missing out on all those aunts and uncle (two haven't met my second child,who is 5 already). They don't know them.
  • I don't even know how to explain this awful turn of events to my children when they're older
  • I fear my parents' deaths so much as they won't have anyone's support but mine (and I live abroad). I'm worried they'll suffer immensely as their children turned their back on them (apart from me).
  • I worry for my autistic son (9) all the time,and can't share any of these worries with my family because no one is really well enough to be supportive and willing to listen
  • I suffer from high anxiety and always think the worst will happen (it has in some ways).
-I feel I'm grieving for people who are alive

I know I need therapy but it won't fix my family and the future. I feel this enormous weight on my shoulders, and try very hard to not pass it on to my children.
Some days, I feel so shockingly sad that I lose all hope for the future.
I turn to the Samaritans as I don’t know how to explain the whole mess and its impact on me (friends will say "oh,that's nice " when I tell them.my parents are coming for a few days, even though they know the situation. It's like nobody can understand the utter soul destruction that has happened).

I want to know if I'll be able to not be crippled by sadness and anxiety one day. I can't know of course. I suppose this post is to allow me to out my situation, and maybe glean some useful perspectives.

OP posts:
Lanzar · 28/10/2024 16:30

We should always start from a position of support and 'I believe you' - but at the end of the day the only people who know the truth are those involved if there were no witnesses. So your DF, your DSis and you.

You can confirm it didnt happen to you (unless you were drugged etc).

There has been a long running thread on here from a husband who's wife was attending a therapist multiple times a week where she claimed that her whole family and community sexually abused her in satanic rituals for decades. She was the mother of a 7 year old boy and the family was falling apart.

Not sure if anyone else can remember the threads - I will try to find and try to link - there was looks of discussion about false memory syndrome and the role of her counsellor (who would see her at the drop of a hat multiple times a week - at the very least he was considered financially exploitative).

Boomer55 · 28/10/2024 17:40

Cel77 · 28/10/2024 08:33

Thank you for all the messages. The thing is that my dad is thought of as gentle, nature loving (he's an active member of the RSPB), and a good person. He never raised a hand on any of us (our mum did, and we all remember it). There are many holes in my sister's story: both my grandads would have rated her, my uncle, my dad's friends, the family doctor, her teacher... She even said she had a gun at her head once. The abuse would have taken place in our house's basement, which meant my dad going up to her room (shared with her twin) at night, asking her to come down with him using very creaky stairs, going through the lounge/kitchen and then down the basement. And no one saw anything. My mum certainly is at a complete loss. She's tried really hard to understand. She can't think how this could be true. My dad denies it. The abuse by others went unnoticed too. I truly can't understand. I don't know why my siblings believe her either. They can't really explain it, but they do. I don't know why I'm taking this so differently. My dad was always the harmless one in my view. My mum less so but I wrote her a letter, and we've since managed to move forward. My mum thought about committing suicide a couple of times since. I'm worried for everyone . I worry about my own health as I have to be strong for them.

It could be false memory syndrome. I would just get counselling for yourself. 💐

TheDowagerCountessofPembroke · 28/10/2024 17:48

Lanzar · 28/10/2024 16:30

We should always start from a position of support and 'I believe you' - but at the end of the day the only people who know the truth are those involved if there were no witnesses. So your DF, your DSis and you.

You can confirm it didnt happen to you (unless you were drugged etc).

There has been a long running thread on here from a husband who's wife was attending a therapist multiple times a week where she claimed that her whole family and community sexually abused her in satanic rituals for decades. She was the mother of a 7 year old boy and the family was falling apart.

Not sure if anyone else can remember the threads - I will try to find and try to link - there was looks of discussion about false memory syndrome and the role of her counsellor (who would see her at the drop of a hat multiple times a week - at the very least he was considered financially exploitative).

There have been a number of cases of false accusations of satanic abuse, either when the victims were children or as adults.

I do wonder if those children who have lied about it as a child grow up to think it really happened.

Garlicbest · 28/10/2024 18:09

It's tricky. I feel for all of you, OP, particularly you, your sister and your mother.

I've got two stories to tell you regarding siblings remembering things differently (and I've got more).

Firstly, my own family. My dad was a brutal, domineering sadist. Like most abusers, he had good qualities. He was a conscientious father in terms of our education, etc. Only two of us remember him as the torturer he was. The others did suffer less at his hands - he had us two to keep him entertained - but have completely dismissed any idea that he was abusive. This is despite the fact that they witnessed his abuse of us and our mother.

A few years after I'd left home, one of my younger sisters phoned me in distress because Dad had sexually molested her. She completely denies this ever happened, but it's burned in my memory. She also denied the long conversations we've had about being scared all the time as children.

I had some long and difficult talks with my mum while I was in therapy. As a result, she arrived a mental compromise where she holds two opposing ideas of her husband: she knows it's true that he abused us and her - she even told me of some memorable beatings he gave me, that I'd forgotten - and, simultaneously, remembers him as a wonderful person worthy of her adoration. Both those things are true, but they were aspects of the same person. I don't know why nobody except my brother and I can cope with this fact.

The second story's about a friend of mine. Her father worked in TV. He and all his media friends had regular family parties, during which the children were made sexually available to the men. Her recall - especially of one of the men, who was cruel - is vivid. As children she and her brothers would talk about it but, on reaching adulthood, her brothers removed all recollection from their minds. They claim she's a liar, personality disordered, etc.

A few of the friends' children remembered these parties and what happened but far more of them have forgotten it all.

Human minds are peculiar things, extremely adaptable. I think it's prudent to remember that different people's minds will try to protect them in different ways.

This is what people mean when they talk about "my truth" and "your truth". It doesn't mean there is no such thing as truth - if facts can be verified, the truth can be uncovered. It's better to say "recollections may vary".

I don't know if, or how much of your sister's story is objectively true, @Cel77, but it's possible you simply have different perspectives on the same facts. Your absence of matching memories doesn't mean she's lying. At the same time, she may be misremembering some things.

Does it matter that much, to you personally, in the here and now? I'd say it's possible to maintain your existing relationship with your parents and repair those with your siblings, while acknowledging what they all say and how important it is to them. I'd say it's possible to say "I see and hear you all, but I take no position."

Cel77 · 28/10/2024 19:21

Garlicbest · 28/10/2024 18:09

It's tricky. I feel for all of you, OP, particularly you, your sister and your mother.

I've got two stories to tell you regarding siblings remembering things differently (and I've got more).

Firstly, my own family. My dad was a brutal, domineering sadist. Like most abusers, he had good qualities. He was a conscientious father in terms of our education, etc. Only two of us remember him as the torturer he was. The others did suffer less at his hands - he had us two to keep him entertained - but have completely dismissed any idea that he was abusive. This is despite the fact that they witnessed his abuse of us and our mother.

A few years after I'd left home, one of my younger sisters phoned me in distress because Dad had sexually molested her. She completely denies this ever happened, but it's burned in my memory. She also denied the long conversations we've had about being scared all the time as children.

I had some long and difficult talks with my mum while I was in therapy. As a result, she arrived a mental compromise where she holds two opposing ideas of her husband: she knows it's true that he abused us and her - she even told me of some memorable beatings he gave me, that I'd forgotten - and, simultaneously, remembers him as a wonderful person worthy of her adoration. Both those things are true, but they were aspects of the same person. I don't know why nobody except my brother and I can cope with this fact.

The second story's about a friend of mine. Her father worked in TV. He and all his media friends had regular family parties, during which the children were made sexually available to the men. Her recall - especially of one of the men, who was cruel - is vivid. As children she and her brothers would talk about it but, on reaching adulthood, her brothers removed all recollection from their minds. They claim she's a liar, personality disordered, etc.

A few of the friends' children remembered these parties and what happened but far more of them have forgotten it all.

Human minds are peculiar things, extremely adaptable. I think it's prudent to remember that different people's minds will try to protect them in different ways.

This is what people mean when they talk about "my truth" and "your truth". It doesn't mean there is no such thing as truth - if facts can be verified, the truth can be uncovered. It's better to say "recollections may vary".

I don't know if, or how much of your sister's story is objectively true, @Cel77, but it's possible you simply have different perspectives on the same facts. Your absence of matching memories doesn't mean she's lying. At the same time, she may be misremembering some things.

Does it matter that much, to you personally, in the here and now? I'd say it's possible to maintain your existing relationship with your parents and repair those with your siblings, while acknowledging what they all say and how important it is to them. I'd say it's possible to say "I see and hear you all, but I take no position."

Thank you for your detailed and enlightened reply.
I have said to my sister "I'm unable to believe you,but I'd like to support you.And I love you. ". She's more understanding than my other siblings who believe her. Nothing is black and white really.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 28/10/2024 19:52

Have they said why they believe her? That seems important.

Garlicbest · 28/10/2024 20:10

Cel77 · 28/10/2024 19:21

Thank you for your detailed and enlightened reply.
I have said to my sister "I'm unable to believe you,but I'd like to support you.And I love you. ". She's more understanding than my other siblings who believe her. Nothing is black and white really.

That seems a wise and compassionate answer to your sister. I'm glad she understands.

ienjoyeatingcake · 01/11/2024 10:36

Op,
You write here:

"It was meant to ve raped. Yes,she has. Pretty much every adult male around us as kids. She said there was a network of abusers (including politicians and members of the police) and that they paid our dad to abuse her."

So, just to be clear, your sister claims that all these men, unconnected to one another, have abused her as a child?

And if your sister is accusing all these people, including her doctor and teacher, of sexually abusing her, surely the police have been involved and a huge investigation has begun?

You've said all your siblings believe that your dad abused her, but do they believe that all these other people abused her too?

FoxyMulder · 01/11/2024 10:47

This does sound like it could be a delusion now that you've mentioned all the different people she thinks abused her, but I really don't know what the answer is because she will obviously believe it did happen, and you don't actually know for sure it didn't.

Cerealkiller4U · 01/11/2024 13:09

Cel77 · 27/10/2024 22:09

She never got a diagnosis apart from the Lyme disease. She has ADHD (self diagnosed at 24). She's been on anti depressants for years. She cannot work due to her poor health.
My other siblings have stopped all contact with our parents after she told us what she told us.
She said our dad raped me when I was 9. I remember lots of stuff from when I was 9. You'd think that this would have been etched in my brain!

How was the chronic Lymes disease diagnosed??

Was it by the GP on the NHS?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page