To wonder if I'm destined to be heartbroken forever [content warning added by MNHQ: thread concerns CSA]

[Cel77]

I'm going to cut a long story short.
My sister (early forties) has disclosed 3 years ago that our dad raped her since she was a toddler and during her whole childhood. I just can't see how this could have been as we all lived in the same house, she shared a room with her twin etc... No one can remember anything like that but all my other siblings (there are 6 of us) are believing her. I just cannot. She told me he did the same thing to me but I can't remember anything like this. I think I'd have remembered something so awful (and I remember lots of stuff from my childhood).
My poor mum has been accused of being complicit of the abuse (as in she was aware of it). She's a broken woman in her 70s now.
I have no idea what to believe tbh. I will never know for sure. My sister has been unwell physically (Lyme disease) and psychologically for years.
I love all of my family but there have always been huge cracks behind the apparent happy facade. All my siblings have gone non contact with my parents. They both live a very isolated life. My mum doesn't go out at all. She's cut herself off from the few friends she had.
I'm the only one with children out of all of us. We see my parents twice a year (I live abroad).
I feel heartbroken because:

• my family is broken
• I feel so much pity for my mum. She's had a hard life,and cannot even enjoy her later years in peace (even though I struggle with our relationship, I feel immense pity for her as a person)
• I feel I've lost my family
• I feel my children are missing out on all those aunts and uncle (two haven't met my second child,who is 5 already). They don't know them.
• I don't even know how to explain this awful turn of events to my children when they're older
• I fear my parents' deaths so much as they won't have anyone's support but mine (and I live abroad). I'm worried they'll suffer immensely as their children turned their back on them (apart from me).
• I worry for my autistic son (9) all the time,and can't share any of these worries with my family because no one is really well enough to be supportive and willing to listen
• I suffer from high anxiety and always think the worst will happen (it has in some ways).

-I feel I'm grieving for people who are alive

I know I need therapy but it won't fix my family and the future. I feel this enormous weight on my shoulders, and try very hard to not pass it on to my children.
Some days, I feel so shockingly sad that I lose all hope for the future.
I turn to the Samaritans as I don’t know how to explain the whole mess and its impact on me (friends will say "oh,that's nice " when I tell them.my parents are coming for a few days, even though they know the situation. It's like nobody can understand the utter soul destruction that has happened).

I want to know if I'll be able to not be crippled by sadness and anxiety one day. I can't know of course. I suppose this post is to allow me to out my situation, and maybe glean some useful perspectives.

Assuming you're not looking for advice on whether or not to believe your sister, so I'd suggest getting some counselling.

On the off-chance you are, something very similar happened in a family close to mine. They weren't lying (the abuser admitted it, if only to a couple of people) despite it being seen as 'impossible' by other family members. Unless your sister has a reason to make up such a huge, traumatic, family-breaking lie now years later, I'd at the very least ensure your father never has unsupervised time with your children out of caution.

Agree with all of this. I think counselling is key here OP. Trauma is a powerful thing.

I think this is key.

this is so upsetting to read. Making this about you and your children and your allegedly abusive parents. You’ve already said the rest of your siblings are no contact. As a SA survivor myself I can’t get your sister out of my head. Things like this are exactly why abuse victims don’t come forward!!!!

Repressed memories are a thing, it's perfectly possible you don't remember, but it's also possible it's not true. Your siblings stance is perhaps indicative of the reality of this.

Do you think repeating yourself is helpful to OP who’s already, understandably, extremely upset? If you find the thread upsetting I’m sure she won’t mind you choosing to step away from it.

I’ll repeat that she’s allowed to post about her own feelings on her own thread and seek support from posters who want to help her rather than making it about themselves.

'I love all of my family but there have always been huge cracks behind the apparent happy facade.'

Can you say a little bit more about what you mean with this statement

it would be different if she in real life said she is supporting her sister and was on here for a hand hold or rant etc but her reaction in my opinion has been abhorrent

Exactly, the only victim in this is the sister if Op is so sure it didnt happen to her. So glad the rest of the family believe the victim and cut the parents off. Absolutely sickening . Op you need to get counselling and come to terms with what’s happened . You sister is the victim not you or your parents. They are the ones that did this. Quite frankly I wouldn’t be letting my kids near an abuser even once a year. they do it once they’ll do it again.

A family of six children would have noticed something. It's entirely possible that your sister is making it up either because she is deliberately lying or because she is mentally unwell has false memories.

Don't feel guilty for not believing her. You know you weren't abused.

This is a very different situation than most other disclosures.

The sister is saying that not only was she abused, but that the OP also was, including being raped when she was 9, but the OP has no memory of that.
So in this instance I can absolutely see why the OP would have serious doubts, and she does need to think about herself and her children.

Thank you for all the messages. The thing is that my dad is thought of as gentle, nature loving (he's an active member of the RSPB), and a good person. He never raised a hand on any of us (our mum did, and we all remember it). There are many holes in my sister's story: both my grandads would have rated her, my uncle, my dad's friends, the family doctor, her teacher... She even said she had a gun at her head once. The abuse would have taken place in our house's basement, which meant my dad going up to her room (shared with her twin) at night, asking her to come down with him using very creaky stairs, going through the lounge/kitchen and then down the basement. And no one saw anything. My mum certainly is at a complete loss. She's tried really hard to understand. She can't think how this could be true. My dad denies it. The abuse by others went unnoticed too. I truly can't understand. I don't know why my siblings believe her either. They can't really explain it, but they do. I don't know why I'm taking this so differently. My dad was always the harmless one in my view. My mum less so but I wrote her a letter, and we've since managed to move forward. My mum thought about committing suicide a couple of times since. I'm worried for everyone . I worry about my own health as I have to be strong for them.

Is rated a typo OP? I'm a bit confused, do you mean she has accused a whole lot of people of rape?

What are the ages of you and your siblings? This may have something to do with it.

So it's OK for the OP to believe that she wasn't sexually abused by her father but it's not OK for that misrepresentation of the truth to throw doubt on anything else her sister's saying? I don't think you can have it both ways - either the OP is also a victim or there's reason to think her sister's version of events can't necessarily be believed.

I've actually known 2 people who have made similar claims, one was undoubtedly true. The other person had some alternative therapy and it could be a case of false memory syndrome, I don't know for sure, she's quite odd at times and very matter of fact about lots of strange things. She's never asked me what I think, she just assumes I believe her, which is ok because I might.

I really feel for you OP, there's no easy way of handling this.

This is so difficult.

I understand why you don't know what to believe.

Your sister does sound troubled.

How was she growing up? Was she noticeably different somehow to the other siblings? More withdrawn? Unhappy? Anything like that.

Out of 6 siblings she is saying your dad targeted her (and also you).

This is not uncommon, oftentimes some siblings are not touched while others are abused.

But it's hard to tell if your sister was possibly targeted because she was somehow different and seen as an easy target; or if the abuse causes these phycological issues she has; OR if the issues she has have meant that she has made this up.

None of us can know, and I can absolutely see why you feel as you do. I'm so sorry.

This is so hard. She could be making it all up. She could believe it to be true. It could be true. It’s hard to tell. However some of the information, like other people being involved just seems too much. People who are mentally unwell do make things up. Sometimes it’s without reason. Sometimes they actually believe it to be true.

Your sister has been psychologically unwell for years after years of abuse by a dad who was supposed to protect her.

Now she will feel guilty after diving a family. This isn't her fault it is your dad's.

You need to stop worrying about patents now. Think of your sister when she was six years old and terrified in her own home.

Put her first.

Could it be possible that your sister was abused, but has somehow created a false memory of it happening to you too?

I don’t think you should write off the likelihood that your sister was abused, but she won’t be able to recall everything exactly. ( everyone’s memories are fallible after 40 years- the abuse is very likely to be true, but the details not so much) Even with perfectly banal family stories, people remember things differently. for example, everyone remembers the family holiday to Tenerife but someone forgets the trip to a water park.

it’s very very unlikely that this is a lie.

I'm not sure how relevant it is that your Dad is a member of the RSPB. People can have the most benign of hobbies and still be abusers.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this OP, I really am, but I find it hard to believe that all your other siblings believe her without just cause. The fact she has had psychological issues her whole life does speak to some kind of early trauma. I really think you should protect yourself in this instance and seek therapy to unpick what is happening.

Are you saying she's accused a whole range of men of SAing her as a child?

I can see why this is so hard for you. If she's saying you were SAed and you don't remember either she's lying or you were a victim of CSA. I can imagine it's also difficult to imagine your dad doing something like that, I know if someone accused my dad of similar I would struggle to believe them. Do any of your other siblings remember anything?

I think you should get some therapy, and I also think you should talk it through with your siblings properly, why do they believe her? I can understand why you have doubts, people do lie but the vast vast majority of people who say they have been victims of CSA are telling the truth.c

Most of the family, as well as a doctor and her teacher? I'm sorry it sounds to me like your sister has severe mental health problems. She needs to be assessed because making accusations like this has consequences (which you are living) for everybody involved. These people should be innocent until proven guilty, particularly in rus situation where it sounds extremely farfetched. There is no evidence any of it happened and she's accused basically any man she's encountered. Who did she accuse of putting a gun to her head? She sounds very very unwell.

How can I explain one more time that I am completely unable to believe it? I'm not trying to be mean or insensitive, I just can't believe it. I wished I did but I can't. It's very complicated.

It was meant to ve raped. Yes,she has. Pretty much every adult male around us as kids. She said there was a network of abusers (including politicians and members of the police) and that they paid our dad to abuse her.