'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' what has really kept you in your relationship?

[always2323]

I've read the book, I'm pretty sure I should have left him at chapter 1.
I just can't bring myself to go. I have come to the conclusion that I am not an independent woman and never will be. I think I use the family,/kids as an excuse to stay and not to rock the boat but in reality the hard work of doing it alone scares me so I choose to stay. The thought of juggling a house/kids/job alone is so daunting to me so instead I settle for a 4 out 10 in satisfaction. It would be me required to find somewhere else to live with the kids so it feels like a hell of a lot of hard work. My kids have everything they would ever want and need and if we separated that wouldn't be so as the income would significantly drop.

We have 2 kids, are not married, have no joint finances, and have no sex. I got myself a room mate.

So tell me ...
Why do you stay? Did you stay? Did you leave? Did you regret it?

I stay for financial security, company and so I don’t only get 50% of my kids time.
I feel lonely and resentful.

95% its good, we have an issue that dh could easily change but doesn't and its Chipping away at our relationship…. I think about ending things but would be so hard, but battle with deserving more! Also don’t want to upset dcs. Hard

It is hard!! Totally settling here!
He's just come in from work and he's totally blanked me tonight. Don't know what for this time. I've been the bigger person and said Hi and he said hi back to me without even looking at me and walked off upstairs. What it up with these people. Might burn his pigging tea

My children, our home, my everyday, someone else sharing the donkey work, family time, generally choosing to settle rather than settling. Huge improvement in the last year, more friendly and kinder to one another now. Rubbing along happily enough seems better than thr actual and financial upheaval of a split for all. The improvement followed some painfully honest conversations.

I'm so glad things got better for you. We had 'conversations' around 12 months ago but it seemed to be me making all the compromises. We got along a little better for a while but now the contempt with one an other is seeping in again. I know when things are sliding when he starts trying to make personal digs.

Why are you even making him tea if he can't even greet you after work? I find with men actions speak louder than words. My husband once moaned about what I'd cooked for dinner 'not this again' and I picked up his plate and put it in the bin. He has never complained since!

I haven't stayed. I dithered for two years, did marriage guidance for 6 months of that, started taking HRT and 2 antidepressants, changed my job, had therapy. I was very scared of the paperwork involved in divorce and not being able to live independently. Then I realised that it was actually more scary staying in a miserable marriage so took the plunge. It's tedious doing all the form filling and will be expensive but it's 100% the right decision. Good luck OP

One of our conversations was to be The Last One. In reality it was the first of 3 v difficult ones. One thing I made sure to do, as I started it, was to remain v kind and avoided blame while still being completely honest about how I felt. He didn't eat for a week afterwards and I felt completely light headed the following day, that's how hard and raw it all was. I think the reality of it was what really changed his demeanour. He now offers to do things for me, where previously I'd ask and there'd be a big sigh and we were v much two separate people.
A number of people, close and not so close, have commented to me on his seeming much friendlier and happier and that has made a big difference to me. He has also gone to therapy which was needed. I think that has helped him with his own stuff. I have stopped making needless comments which would only just annoy. So it's generally more consideration but it can't be one sided. I find we're chatting more. It's not perfect but it's kind and respectful and a much much happier home for us all.

And yes I'd be calling him out on that for sure. Again, I notice there's more appreciation here for meals served up, on either side etc. I feel I have more of a partner, we've started watching shows together again. I don't know how it will go.

The thought of juggling a house/kids/job alone is so daunting to me so instead I settle for a 4 out 10 in satisfaction. It would be me required to find somewhere else to live with the kids so it feels like a hell of a lot of hard work.

Why would you be the one to leave?

Do you think this atmosphere between you is a healthy environment to raise your children, is it a model of relationships you wish to instill in them?

@category12 I agree. Living with miserable parents who don't enjoy each others company, communicate well or show affection was not what I wanted for my children. They have already coped better with the split than I expected. They do have wobbles, but generally they accept that the future will be happier once we can all move forward.

If you eradicate disbelief that all your challenges are about the money or the extra responsibilities you will incur, then you will project only insecurity. It’s severely old fashioned. Without judgment, let’s shine a light on the idea that you are well equipped to satisfy all of your needs on your own, with little to no help. You can provide for your children emotionally. You stand a good chance to find a job that meets all of the needs that your children need financially. A safe and clean home, a school, some clothes, food to eat, and some money to save and meet needs beyond the basic foundational ones. It may not be easy, at first, but with technology and your ability to work with an international audience, the only thing in your way is yourself. In other words, in a world that is set up for infinite possibilities online - find a way to create the audience that will want to buy something you can create for them. Work traditionally if this is supportive and possible when necessary. (I've energetically channeled this answer for you because it's how I answer everything and I do. Hope you find it supportive.)

First you must meet your emotional needs. Get into pure alignment with your physical foundational needs, including mental and physical health for energy and vitality to see you through responsiblilties. Get on a good regimented practice to care for yourself in ways that each day you are ready to take on your world. This will enable you to meet your children’s growing emotional needs as well.

With that, the rest will take care of itself. The energy field around you provides for you in ways you have yet to encounter in your mind. It is consitently feeding you energetically, with the ideas and guidance to get you through each and every experience. Begin to listen carefully. You will get the ideas you need to take the next best step. Trust that you are fully capable.

If you don’t, your children will suffer from parents who may eventually resent each other as they stay dissatisfied without meeting their own needs. You must live a life that you’re proud of that meets your needs consistently, or you won’t be able to sustainably provide for your children emotionally, financially, and physically the way you’re living now.

From this place of understanding. Stay only if you can mend the relationship between you and your partner. Or go, knowing you will be able to live as the parent your children need.

“Do you think this atmosphere between you is a healthy environment to raise your children, is it a model of relationships you wish to instill in them?”

This with bells on. Some of the most emotionally dysfunctional people I know are people who grew up with unhappy parents who disliked each other but stayed together for the kids. Some of the most functional I know were raised by divorced parents who co-parented sensibly and reasonably. If you and your partner are showing contempt for each other, your DCs will be learning some quite harmful things about relationships. No parent is perfect. No parental relationship is perfect. You may still feel, on balance, that the financial security trumps other considerations but just be aware that decision has other consequences.

You only have one life, and before you know it decades will pass and you'll be in the same situation, just older.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a beautiful reply.
It does all make sense and what you have written is reasonable and true.
Thankfully I am already in permanent and full time employment that works well around my children and pays (by not means a lot) a wage that I could manage with a tight budget, my earning potential also increases with times served. I have no assets however so I would need to save considerably before taking the plunge.
In my head it's very clear what I need and should do, but the reality of it is much more difficult.

What will you, who have all stayed, do when your children have grown up and left and you're too old for another relationship, will you just accept your life will be lonely and miserable ? Or accept that is what you choose and did the best for your children ?

I am counting down the years until my youngest is 18 (6 more to go) and I don't want any other man ever again.

sdds15

Why wait six more years?. Whose sake are you staying for really?. Theirs or your own because its somehow "easier" to stay?. Six more years of your rubbish relationship will only emotionally destroy you further in addition to teaching your kids damaging lessons about relationships.

Do not wait until your youngest is 18 either; that is also a bad move. Waiting for the children to go off to college/university and then divorcing may make the kids feel guilty that their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them (a scenario seen time and again on here by now adults who wished their parents had split up years earlier). They likely know far more than either of you care to realise about the state of your marriage.

We owe our children much more than the physicality of an intact family. We owe them our truth. Be brave and make the break sooner than this, do not be afraid to move on with your own life.

The only thing that really pushed me to leave was that his relationship with my son deteriorated to the point where my son was determined to leave home as soon as he could and I couldn't risk my relationship with my son. He wasn't DP's dad but we do have a shared DD to whom he is a brilliant dad. Had he had a good relationship with DS, no doubt we'd still be together and I'd be miserable.

I'm happier without him but I feel very guilty about DD having to split herself between homes and it's much harder financially and practically. It was a very difficult decision.

Cautionary tale...or is it, I don't know!
Been in your position, we had the talk a good few times. I always convinced myself I was staying because I'd made a commitment, we had the potential to be happier in the future etc. Deep down, yes I did not relish the hassle and did not want to lower my living standards etc

Anyway fast forward and he has really called my bluff I suppose! Left me, met someone else. I've been totally blindsided. Says he was unhappy.

I'm gutted, and trying to remind myself that at times I wanted this! I certainly am not enjoying it just now. But maybe in the long run I'll be happier. Got to hope so.

Anyway what I'm saying is, is it possible he is thinking exactly the same?

I've not heard of that book, might be one to buy quietly on my Kindle as I feel on a bit of an edge.

There have been not great, but not terrible, times with DH is the past and in the end splitting and the stress and the financial hardship with childcare costs in the picture would have been worse than staying and we have had better times since.

Kids are older now, DH has been struggling with work for some time and it looks like imminently I'm going to have to hold the family up financially on my salary alone, which I could do, though it would be tough. He's having difficulty coping with youngest DC's learning needs and getting explosively angry too often recently. He's trying to seek help (which I'm going to have to pay for) but I don't know how much faith I have in him really absorbing it or whether next he gets angry he'll just decide all the advice is wrong and it all goes out of the window.

But then I would never want to take kids away from him either and if we split they (or youngest at least, who is under 16) would still be being exposed to the issue.

Right now though, I'm not getting financial support from him, he's making DC's life hard and the fact is I could cope financially without him and the idea of a future without him in it is looking attractive. It feels mean and like kicking him when he's down so I'm split between wanting to tell him this and feeling it would be unfair to do so.

I'm so sorry this happened.
I've actually thought this could be a potential, I put my life and soul into it and he makes the decision anyway.
The man is not happy, I can see it in his body language every night, if he's a happy man then we're all doomed. So, I have considered that he might even go else where!

I was completely blind sided by it and still am, but in my rational moments i can see why he's done it. He just did it in a shit way obviously cos he's a man!
The poster upthread who had counselling and took her time, now that's the way to do it. But I don't think most men work like that.
I don't know whether the fact I was willing to stay says I'm more of a coward or I was making more of an effort!
Anyway he has taken the decision out of my hands

It’s very easy to say ‘don’t stay for the kids’, but I’m a kid of divorce and it wasn’t nice. I hardly remember dad living with us, but what went on after wasn’t good. My step mum was an absolute cow to me, in fact she was cruel.
If there’s kids involved I’d say it’s fine to split , just think very carefully about your next relationship and how that affects your kids.