'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' what has really kept you in your relationship?

[always2323]

I've read the book, I'm pretty sure I should have left him at chapter 1.
I just can't bring myself to go. I have come to the conclusion that I am not an independent woman and never will be. I think I use the family,/kids as an excuse to stay and not to rock the boat but in reality the hard work of doing it alone scares me so I choose to stay. The thought of juggling a house/kids/job alone is so daunting to me so instead I settle for a 4 out 10 in satisfaction. It would be me required to find somewhere else to live with the kids so it feels like a hell of a lot of hard work. My kids have everything they would ever want and need and if we separated that wouldn't be so as the income would significantly drop.

We have 2 kids, are not married, have no joint finances, and have no sex. I got myself a room mate.

So tell me ...
Why do you stay? Did you stay? Did you leave? Did you regret it?

Pp did say there isn't an atmosphere.. I think k this makes a big difference. If you and dc are not living on eggshells in a peaceful home, it's different.

On what planet is this not an atmosphere:

He's just come in from work and he's totally blanked me tonight. Don't know what for this time. I've been the bigger person and said Hi and he said hi back to me without even looking at me and walked off upstairs. What it up with these people. Might burn his pigging tea

No sorry, I was referring to the pp who said she stayed and they rub along fine together. Notmymonkeys maybe, not op (hence pp). Agree op will need a change one way or the other, as nobody would want to live like that.

I have left two live together long term relationships. My husband developed a severe drug problem so he left, and my partner after him was unkind to my children ( as the trigger for me to boot him out) I can say 100% certainly that it was the right decision and despite any hardship, the peace and emotional security of a calm home is worth more than anything. I would 100% advise leaving if you are deeply unhappy and cannot see anything improving

I have been reading all of the comments so thank you.
I'm not daft enough to know that this situation isn't ideal for either of us living in the house.
What makes it harder is some days are absolutely fine. Yesterday, we were fine (but he was going out with his mates so didn't seen him much), today we seem fine at the moment. It's days like these that keep me so indecisive, it will be just enough for me to think that we're not too bad but then I know, probably before the weekend is over, it will all change again.
We don't do joint banking so I will start to money away.

What makes it harder is some days are absolutely fine. Yesterday, we were fine (but he was going out with his mates so didn't seen him much), today we seem fine at the moment. It's days like these that keep me so indecisive, it will be just enough for me to think that we're not too bad but then I know, probably before the weekend is over, it will all change again.

What do you define as 'fine' though op. Not arguing? Him not being there...what is good enough? It is really hard to determine how long term relationships are charactized - is fine good enough? This doesn't apply to my situation which has slipped into being toxic. Just pondering.

"What makes it harder is some days are absolutely fine. Yesterday, we were fine (but he was going out with his mates so didn't seen him much), today we seem fine at the moment. It's days like these that keep me so indecisive, it will be just enough for me to think that we're not too bad but then I know, probably before the weekend is over, it will all change again".

What he could be showing you here is the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. It will do you and your DC no favours whatsoever to remain in such a toxic environment.

And indeed what do you define as "fine"?.

Yes, my fine was quite often just that we hadn't argued. I set the bar far too low sometimes!

I agree re what fine is and what we've learnt to accept and go along with. Direct communication could help.
My fine is now chatting on the couch after dc bedtime, watching a series together, having my meal made if I get home late. Dropping off something for me without being asked when he's out (can be selfish so these gestures are noted). Just generally kinder. If it starts to dwindle I say it immediately.

I stay for the kids, they'd be devastated if we separated.
Also I am in a poorly paid part time job at the moment with no savings.

My husband is constantly glued to a game on his phone, blanking out everyone else. Often doesn't bother to get washed or dressed because he works from home.

It's dire and we've spoken about how to improve things and had marriage counselling but nothing has changed.

Dear God, some of these replies make me realise how low my bar is in my marriage! If I had a meal cooked for me or something dropped off without being asked, I think I would die of shock! He tried to empathise with me the other day, which I don't think has ever happened in 30 years and I was absolutely stunned. I was so shocked I nearly asked him if he had been on a course at work about developing working relationships or something 😳

Dear God, some of these replies make me realise how low my bar is in my marriage! If I had a meal cooked for me or something dropped off without being asked, I think I would die of shock! He tried to empathise with me the other day, which I don't think has ever happened in 30 years and I was absolutely stunned. I was so shocked I nearly asked him if he had been on a course at work about developing working relationships or something

TheDogHasFarted I know this isn't funny in reality but I've found your post very amusing and sadly there will be a lot of women nodding along to it.

On first glance I thought you meant these things were par for the course, which really they should be!

I don't mean taking a turn making a meal, I mean making me something specific that suits when I'm not around to do it or busy.