'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' what has really kept you in your relationship?

[always2323]

I've read the book, I'm pretty sure I should have left him at chapter 1.
I just can't bring myself to go. I have come to the conclusion that I am not an independent woman and never will be. I think I use the family,/kids as an excuse to stay and not to rock the boat but in reality the hard work of doing it alone scares me so I choose to stay. The thought of juggling a house/kids/job alone is so daunting to me so instead I settle for a 4 out 10 in satisfaction. It would be me required to find somewhere else to live with the kids so it feels like a hell of a lot of hard work. My kids have everything they would ever want and need and if we separated that wouldn't be so as the income would significantly drop.

We have 2 kids, are not married, have no joint finances, and have no sex. I got myself a room mate.

So tell me ...
Why do you stay? Did you stay? Did you leave? Did you regret it?

I was dreadfully unhappy in my marriage, but I waited to split until the youngest was 16, I simply couldn't tolerate it all for a moment longer. It was really really difficult making the split but oh the relief once it was all done and dusted. I felt joy in my heart!

From the male side, I stay because of finances, wouldn’t be able to do many of the things we can while together, also for the grandkids who we look after often and in the hope that things could still improve, not every day is miserable but it does often feel as if we just live in the same house, I’m far from perfect I know that and DW has admitted that she is every bit as much to blame for our situation, sometimes it feels like she wants things back how they used to be, generally good, other times I don’t think she cares at all if we separated, other than for similar reasons to mine

@johnson39
When do you think someone is ‘too old for a relationship’?
And why would anybody be miserable because they’re on their own?
Only one person will be always with you throughout your life: and that’s you. And if you love that person, you should be happy with your own company. Which shouldn’t stop you from seeking a relationship, of course. But as a matter of ‘survival’ I believe we all need to learn to live in our own company.

I'm staying because I'm scared..I'm a coward really! I have a health condition and I worry about how I would physically manage with the kids, house and work. I'm going to review things when the kids are a bit older, although I do worry about the impact of them living with parents who clearly do not love each other. Totally get the room mate thing!

@hildabaker do you feel your children were affected growing up with parents that didn't love each other? I'm wondering about waiting until the children are older, but this does play on my mind...

Yes @Richtea67 I learned now that they're adults that they mostly got the score, for which I am sorry. But I had nowhere to go, an unsympathetic family and society was different years ago. I was also untrained to do any job. I had to study in order to get my act together before I could feasibly leave.

Do you like reading? If you do I can recommend a book called Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. Writen by a male-female team of family therapists so both perspectives given

I spent my childhood wishing that my arguing parents would divorce (though partly so I didn't have to be with my mother so much). It's not always best for the kids.

I'm staying because I'm scared..I'm a coward really! I have a health condition and I worry about how I would physically manage with the kids, house and work. I'm going to review things when the kids are a bit older, although I do worry about the impact of them living with parents who clearly do not love each other. Totally get the room mate thing!

Yes, much of this applies to me also Richtea67. I am waiting for the pressure to ease a bit. Okay financially but the longer I stay the more comfortable I will be. I have to bear in mind a health issue. Not chronic thankfully but it is looking at the whole picture I suppose. Can I ask how old your dc are Richtea? I have a timeline now and I've done other things which are lining me up. Still a little way off but not too far in the grand scheme of things.

For a long time I couldn't make a decision. I have now. I read this book but at the time, it didn't clarify things for me unfortunately.

@Marigoldandrose1 they are 2 and 7, so still really little. I'm the higher earner, so in some respects the financial issues aren't so pressing. Although our standard of living will be impacted as will likely involve selling the house and splitting into 2 households.

Pretty much this. ^ DH and I (together 35-36 years, both nearly 60,) have had some ups and downs in the past - and I have had times when I have felt like walking, but our children have kept me with him. We had a very bad patch for about 4-5 years when they were very small, but AFAIK they didn't pick up much - if anything at all. (If they did they never said.)

For the most part though, the 36-ish years with DH has been good, and especially for the past 12-13 years. We are comfortable financially, and-mortgage free, and have no children to support anymore - they left over a decade ago - and being financially comfortable helps. Financial problems can cause more issues than most other things in a relationship.

Like you and your DH @mikado1 my DH and I get on really well these days, and are more in love than ever. We never argue, and we have a good laugh together. We have someone to laugh with, to cry with, to go for a meal with, to go on a daytrip with, to go on holiday with, and to share life's trials and tribulations and burdens with. I see no point whatsoever in leaving, (even if the marriage is a bit dull and boring, which ours isn't by the way!) And I can only surmise that the women who do this (leave their DH when they're 50+) are very VERY unhappy. Because there would have to be a lot wrong for me to leave.

I have seen women leave their husbands over the years, (at 50+) and they end up having to work every hour God sends just to pay the bills. And they'll be working til they're 70! I am nearly 60, and I work part time (16-18 hours a week) and have been part time since we had children (30-ish years.) I am retiring at 60. (So is DH.) I could not have stayed part time since 29-30 if I had been alone. We are much better/much stronger together. DH's wage would be enough for us to live on if I didn't work, so my wage is surplus money/pin money.

I have seen too many women 50+ leave their DH, and struggle to make ends meet, and be thoroughly miserable and worn down, and age much faster than me with the stress of trying to survive. Of course, some women will come on here now and claim they are much happier since leaving their DH, and are loaded/have a better, more well paid career than him/more friends/a much better life la la la. But in reality, life will be very difficult on her own - for most women.

That said, if DH and I did split, or if he died, I would have NO interest in being with another man. I would just stay single. Couldn't think of anything worse than having another man in my life! shudder! 😖 The dating pool for men 50+ is as lame as fuck.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway

So you have no personal knowledge of insight to the dilemma some of us have, why comment?

I see no point whatsoever in leaving, (even if the marriage is a bit dull and boring, which ours isn't by the way!

Lucky you. You come across as smug and without empathy.

PP said kids have everything they want and need, no they don’t, they sense the dissatisfaction, you’re putting material things over peace, children are very perceptive

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway that was a bit tone deaf tbh. You sound like you've got a long and happy marriage going on.
People who consider leaving and splitting up a family are definitely not in that position! Not sure why you thought it would be helpful to tell people why leaving is so awful.

@LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway

I stayed way longer than I should because I didn't want to share dc
2 years on and I've met someone else. Life is good. Sharing dc was hard at first as we did 2-2-5-5.
Dc and I struggled with the 5 day stretches.
Now we do 2-2-3 and rotate. It's a bit more difficult but we've managed and we're all happier.
I get time with just OH, time with just DC, and time when it's all of us

Money.

That is why I stay. I made some stupid decisions when I was younger and because of that I am financially vulnerable.
If we split I would be in a hostel, all activities etc would be cancelled, their lives would change beyond recognition.

I've been told on here before that unhappy parents is bad for the kids but I truly believe that splitting up would be worse for them.

We don't argue, it isn't toxic because that would be reason to leave , we are lodgers. And we tolerate each other like room mates do.

Oh for goodness sake. You really could never have found another way to help your daughter in her hour of need? I can think of a couple of alternative ways to rescue your daughter right now, which doesn't require some husband and his trusty car.
It's not always easy being alone, but sometimes there isn't a lot of choice. Also, there is always more than one way to resolve a problem.

Hi OP I read this book it’s excellent. I read it when the bomb had gone off and was deciding whether to try and patch it up. I choose to keep going with the separation then divorce.

Id been unhappy for a few years, even was told he was seeing prostitutes but I still didn’t leave. It was because of my childhood and my need to create and protect the family unit at all costs. I’d never felt safe and secure as a child so my family unit was everything.

We didn’t really argue to be honest or call each other names, one day he tried to gas lite me ( something he had never been so blatant about) spoke to me as if I was simple. I proved him wrong and he exploded and called me cancer - and that was the end of my marriage. I knew a boundary has been crossed and it would only get worse.

I’m not going to lie, the separation was awful because I shielded the kids from his anger - I’d never ever seen this raw incandescent anger from him - so I took the brunt of it with out the kids or people even knowing what he was doing. And I’m glad that the kids didn’t know and come through it unscathed but it absolutely ruined me.

BUT - there WILL be a point when you turn a corner, and you will emerge as a new you, stronger, happier, excited about the future. And even though hands down it WAS the worst period of my entire life I’d never go back. My ex doesn’t know this new me, I didn’t know this new me could even exist. It’s like I’ve started the next chapter in my book.

Ive had therapy for my childhood and looked at why I stayed so long & to move forward. I genuinely feel this is the best version of me Ive ever been.

You DO deserve peace and happiness and that’s my main focus. ‘What will give me peace and happiness?’ And I genuinely worked from there every day.

Regarding the kids - Yep there was times they said ‘wish dad still lived here, miss him ect. And I was lucky he wasn’t a prick and had them a lot we are at 50/50 and they are genuinely happy. But I know they’d still prefer it if we were with each other - 4 years down the road now. BUT would you want your kids to think being unhappy in a relationship is normal? They are sponges and observe every dynamic and replicate it.

Its tough - but you deserve peace and happiness too x

like you, mine was a chapter 1 error*

I stayed because of money, and because he was a shit father and I felt horrendous guilt about letting the kids go to him without me even part of the time. Also humiliation that I would be publicly admitting that the whole marriage was such a disaster for so long.

*the first chapter asks how good the marriage ever was, on the grounds that if it’s always been rubbish then it’s probably not going to get any better.

Obviously I disagree. The practical and financial benefits of parents being in a couple aren't necessarily more important to children than the emotional impact of growing up in that atmosphere.

As someone said, there were other ways around the practical stuff like rescuing your dd. When you have to figure it out on your own, you do.

There are no perfect answers but staying together "for the kids" isn't always the best outcome for them.

Op to do you rent or does he own the place?
Stop contributing to 'rent' or the mortgage and save it instead. Tell him you need to be married to contribute to it. Do a quick registry office wedding if you can then you're protected financially.

Or just move out and rent? And seek legal advice about getting your mortgage contributions back?

A lot of people in your position would be looking at an exit afraid, your partner might well be