My partners parents don’t like me and it’s getting to me.

[Partlydueto]

We’ve been together about 5 years and we have one child together. They have made it known that Im not good enough, not a good fit with the family. They seem to think that they are this type of family where only good things and showing off is the way to be. I suppose im a bit louder and less interested in looking good and more interested in enjoying my life. When we are together it’s so bloody awkward. They don’t actively talk to me more we talk in conversations but they don’t actually ask me anything eg, how are you or how’s work or have any interest in me as a person. They usually talk about what other members of the family are doing and ignore what we are doing.

It’s starting to get to me. What am I doing wrong? As a family we have loads of fun and adventures and we are happy so lots to be interested in. They have in the past made comments about how I need to be more like other members of the family. Its getting me down that they think I’m not good enough. My partner doesn’t seem to notice much, or he does and doesn’t mention it to me. When I’ve brought it up in the past he just shrugs it off and says that’s my parents. I have started to hold back from visits and he go alone, which also makes me feel rubbish that I’m never going to be accepted. I don’t think that there is anything bad about me, I get on with most people.

Has anyone else experienced this and did it get any better?

I'd just stay clear. You've no need to go there, your dh can go and you can do whatever you want instead. Everybody doesn't get on with everybody else and that's fine.

I think if there’s a personality clash you either need to decide if you care or not.

If you want to be liked by certain people, you portray yourself in a way that’s appealing to them.

If you can accept that you are very different people, you can avoid certain scenarios and let it wash over you that you’ll never be best of friends.

Sadly sometimes people just don't like you, just like there will be people you don't particularly like either. Nothing you can do will make them like you and to be honest your partner loves you for you so don't change who you are.

For me I would still turn up, nothing they can say or do will change that and I would start volunteering information about our lives, they don't ask but it doesn't mean you cannot talk about it. Even better if your partner joins in. Stop trying to make them like you and just be you. Yes it is completely shit and yes I have been there. For me it worked out but it doesn't mean it will for you. You are good enough for your partner, that is what matters.

It is sort of like work colleagues, some you love and some you tolerate. See it like that.

Definitely agree with pp - just steer clear.
Of course you're good enough - they sound horrible and if I thought there was a possibility they'd change, I'd say work on it, together.
But it sounds like they're set in their ways.
Surround yourself with positive people who appreciate you for you.

Hi OP!
I’m in a very very similar situation to you.

No advice for you at the moment other than to reassure you that you are not alone and it’s not you. You are good enough. You might be different to them but you don’t want to be the same as them anyway I assume.

sending lots of love.

I accept we are different. But I can’t accept that they are telling me to be more like other people. I can’t be anyone else and I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. When we are together I literally feel there disgust of me, it’s awful.

I should add I am not alone in the family. There are some of the parents siblings that aren’t part of the group because the parents don’t think they are good enough. Especially anyone who is divorced or re-married. They are very judgmental about who is good enough.

Telling you that you need to be more like other people is extremely rude unless it is your boss during a disciplinary action. It's taking dislike to a whole other level. These people are not your bosses, or your parents (and if they were your parents you would tell them 'and who brought me up to be like this?') and they are making you feel like crap.

I would stop meeting up with them. Leave your partner to deal with cards, presents etc. Just stop even thinking about them. I would tell your partner to make sure they aren't talking about you in a disparaging way in front of your child, because that would need to be nipped in the bud. 'Oh it's just the way they are' does not cut it in that situation.

Agree with steer clear…

… but don’t let this effectively cut you out and let a situation develop where in five years time it’s perfectly normal for your husband and the kids to go off for fun granny grandpa days/stay weekends etc and mum somehow isn’t invited.

That is toxic for kids. If they aren’t willing to accept and be positive about you and your family, then they aren’t going to be good grandparents. That kind of subtle dysfunction is really damaging.

Not saying no relationship, but definitely let it be understood that your family come as the package they should be - that if they disparage their grandchildren’s family set up then it’s obviously going to be the case that they are going to be the ones kept on the outside, not you. You guys are the main family… not your husbands family of origin. They are the extras, the outsiders, NOT YOU. Make this clear to your husband too, that they are entitled to their opinion but they will be the ones who suffer for it, if they are going to be critical.

So you don't like them either.

Great. This is easy then isn't it?

Just don't see them. Don't think about them. Dont make threads detailing all of their bad points.

Just ignore them.

I would say.

Mil, that's not very nice did you mean to be rude?

Mil, sorry I don't really understand can you explain what you mean?

Mil I'm perfectly happy with the way I am. Why would I want to be like anyone else?

Put them on the spot. If they are being rude call them out on it.

They're not going to change. You'll just have to accept that it's their problem not yours and let go of it. Easier said than done, I know.

I’d like to like them, they are my partners parents and important to him. But they don’t accept me.

Also, I'd be pissed at the partner. He should have your back. Your the mother of his child. He should be parking the behaviour instead he does nothing because it's easier and causes less friction.

I’m getting annoyed with him more and
more but he isn’t getting any of it. I’ve actually had a few thoughts of just walking away from the whole thing as it’s effecting me. They
are all very close and I’m just left on the outside, it doesn’t feel nice and I know I’ve no control in how they want to view me. They don’t think I’m good enough, that’s on them.

Yes I'd be annoyed at oh.
Do you visit the other family who are ostracised?

Yes some of them, others are a bit too far away. Not sure of the history but they
are all nice to us and appear like normal people. The whole thing is strange really. You either “fit” or you out.

Hi OP, I have some experience of this though in my case I think it's more low-level/insidious than what you are going through. My DH has my back and calls out poor behaviour by his parents but in MIL's case it just means that she is rude to me when he isn't in the room.

I am 15 years and 2 DC into the relationship - if anything I've found it's got worse tbh. Partly because since having DC I've become more vocal about standing up for myself and my parenting, wihch tends to cause tension. And partly because MIL's abililty to filter her thoughts before they come out of her mouth has got much worse with age, and is now almost non-existent.

They aren't going to change OP, and you shouldn't try and change yourself for them.
and anyway nobody lives for ever

This. You don't like them and have listed the reasons they are not good enough In-laws. This will come across.
Maybe they don't particularly like you - but as you don't like them either that's unsurprising.
Two choices:
Don't see them, (except when you have to. DH can see his side of the family. Easy.
See them and make an effort to connect with them, to get on with them, to like them.

You can’t make people like you. You acknowledge yourself you’re very different kinds of people. They’re only in your life because of who you married. My ILs aren’t crazy about me, and would have far preferred DH to marry his previous girlfriend, who was more their type of person. But that’s fine. I’m absolutely aware I’m not their type. They wouldn’t have been my choice either, but they made my fabulous DH, and we get along fine without much interest/investment on either side.

This has come about from years of them making comments and judgements of me. Nothing I’ve ever done has been good enough. The mum has made endless comments about my parenting. Everything I’ve done was wrong with the baby. All the things we’ve brought her was apparently “stupid waste of money”. They didn’t buy her a 1st birthday gift as we have given her too much. I changed nappies wrong. I was wrong getting her son to help at night, but they never offered any support in return. She said I should have found it all easy like her when she had her babies, it was a breeze apparently and I’m making a fuss asking my partner to help. Etc etc. It’s something she repeatedly says about anything I say “don’t make a fuss”.

But do they repeatedly make comments enforcing that you aren’t good enough. We would get on fine if they kept their judgments to themselves and accepted we are different and it’s ok and no one of us is better than the other.

Ha ha I could write a book about how my MIL despised me. Once, staying at their place, she actually rolled her eyes when I said I'd like some breakfast! This went on for years. DH thought it was funny/ said to ignore her. What did start to happen is the Dch would tell her - if she disapproved of my wine choice they would tell her she was BU, "people like different things, Nana," etc.
Then when they were staying abroad, we went to stay with them. I spent a bomb in duty free on fancy skin cream for her. When we arrived at the house she saw the Duty Free bag and said "Someone's spent a lot of money" and I said " Yes, it's for you!" and handed it over. She was grudgingly nice to me after that, and it was a nice stay. Now I phone her up every now and then and listen for 20 minutes and let her have a whinge, and she does now accept me. DH says she's jealous of me being with him, 'taking him away', which is crazy because she's his mum and special, and I'll never be his mum and she can't be his GF.
So yeah, yours might accept you after about 30 years! Just be yourself. Their loss if they don't get to know you.

A comment was made a few months back that really hurt my feelings and I’ve not been able to come back from it. They said the other son’s girlfriend is someone I should aim to be like as a partner. She’s calm, makes no fuss, she is quiet, perfect really. I don’t want to be like her because I’m me and there’s nothing wrong with me as a parent.

I'm in a similar situation. In comparison to my wife's family, I am far more driven, hard working etc than they ever will be. Often get quips about it.

We are very different people with life goals. I couldn't care less if my MIL doesn't like me and on many ways that's a good thing as I don't want my kids to be like her.

I stay clear - they can do their thing and I will do mine..