My partners parents don’t like me and it’s getting to me.

[Partlydueto]

We’ve been together about 5 years and we have one child together. They have made it known that Im not good enough, not a good fit with the family. They seem to think that they are this type of family where only good things and showing off is the way to be. I suppose im a bit louder and less interested in looking good and more interested in enjoying my life. When we are together it’s so bloody awkward. They don’t actively talk to me more we talk in conversations but they don’t actually ask me anything eg, how are you or how’s work or have any interest in me as a person. They usually talk about what other members of the family are doing and ignore what we are doing.

It’s starting to get to me. What am I doing wrong? As a family we have loads of fun and adventures and we are happy so lots to be interested in. They have in the past made comments about how I need to be more like other members of the family. Its getting me down that they think I’m not good enough. My partner doesn’t seem to notice much, or he does and doesn’t mention it to me. When I’ve brought it up in the past he just shrugs it off and says that’s my parents. I have started to hold back from visits and he go alone, which also makes me feel rubbish that I’m never going to be accepted. I don’t think that there is anything bad about me, I get on with most people.

Has anyone else experienced this and did it get any better?

My ex husband’s family tried that shit with me, and I just laughed in their faces, they soon stopped.

it seems you weren’t really spotting any of these signs when you decided to start a family with you partner . Ultimately you are right you absolutely don’t fit with them and they have decided to point that out and be nasty about it . You can’t really have it both ways tho , you either stay away and stay true to yourself and sod them and your partner , he can from now on go by himself or you try to fit the mould and stop being as loud as you say you are . You are not their type and it’s odd that your partner being such a mummy boy was ok with whatever type you are cause frankly he doesn’t sound like an adult he sounds completely wrapped around her finger . If you could stop and think instead of obsessing over the “ they say I’m not good enough they are horrid “ you would notice that you don’t like them either and you want them to accept you exactly as you are . Please wake up . They won’t … stay away or mask when with them … just like w work colleagues … unless it’s the first time in your life where you are not liked …?

Don't be ridiculous. OP's MIL criticises everything OP does with her baby and she told her to her face that her other son's girlfriend is someone that OP should aim to be like as a partner.

That is 'horrible'.

Unfortunately your partner may not 'hear' what it is they are saying and doing either because he just doesn't want to get involved on your behalf (doesn't think it's important, or knows they won't change?) or because this kind of behaviour is just normal to him, having grown up with it.

you need to know that you are good enough as you are, and you need to be quite 'dog' about it, with proportionate but IMMEDIATE polite reaction to any stupid unnecessary unpleasantness. It'll feel awkward and embarrassing and your partner may still be strangely deaf during the whole conversation but it'll mark you out as someone they can't just shit talk to. Don't avoid seeing them before you've started doing this, it'll become the norm and you'll start to look unreasonable

A good one for the next time there is 'advice' to be more like someone else might be 'that's not the first time you've said that, but he married me not them so I'm afraid we're all stuck with each other exactly how we are'

Sounds like they are rude and difficult.

The only thing is are there any specific behaviours they find difficult? You mention being loud - is that something you can tone down around them? Lots of people including me find "loud" difficult to deal with, which doesn't excuse their behaviour.
And if that was the case ultimately they should have said "we find loudness difficult to deal with, can you please try to dial it down when visiting us" rather than telling you to be like them.

Sounds like they are poor examples to follow anyway.

Sounds like they are very 'up themselves'. Personally I wouldn't want them around my child. Would not bother going to visit or inviting them to visit you. Certainly my child would not be visiting. Let your DH go it alone. Have you ever challenged them? They sound like really sad people. Your life your terms.

I think you owe it to yourself to see them way less and not be the person to arrange events, cards, gifts etc. Pull right back. I put up with a lot of rude comments but like you there was one I couldn't come back from. When we named our new baby with a middle name that is my deceased Mum's name. My MIL didn't like the first or middle name at all and I don't know what was worse, what she said or the look on her face when she found out. And she knew it was my Mum's name as well. Immediately after that I saw them way less and actually they are more respectful now. If they come to our house I just keep going about my day and I have learned to feel 100% comfortable with that. Chin up to you, don't let them damage your pride x.

Thanks for the replies. When I say I’m loud I mean I’m louder than they are. I do lots of kids parties, like to wear bright clothes, let my kid be a kid and get muddy, I have a masters in design so I would say I’m loud in my choice of lifestyle. They comment on my house because I like nice things and maybe things that they think are a bit too much. I’m not excessively loud in my voice, but I’m more bubbly than they are. I like my life. I suffered significant trauma in the past and I live my life now as happy and fun as possible. They are much more conservative. Don’t show off, just put your head down, never complain, work get money and buy a big house and look good. It’s just not important to me. I want to enjoy my life. We are different but I can’t see why we can’t see the good parts. I struggle to see the good in them anymore because of the endless comments. In the beginning it was ok but it’s just become a constant flow now. They are like a grey fog that comes down when we see them. When we talk about the fun things we’ve done or made they couldn’t be less interested. I think they wanted someone who worked and made money and looked good. But their son isn’t like that either, he and I are similar in our outlook.

You’re not doing anything wrong. They’re rude, judgmental, unpleasant people and they always will be.

I never felt fully accepted as part of DH’s family either. The in-laws aren’t as rude as yours, they just make it clear that they’re not interested in me at all. So I don’t see them very often, and when I do I’m perfectly polite to them and don’t expect anything of them beyond “how are you Mudgarden?”

It would have been nice to have a closer relationship, but they don’t want it, and I’m not going to waste time trying to get them to be nice to me.

Thanks @Mudgarden I just wish my other half could see it. He wants this close family and it’s impossible if they don’t want me to be part of it. I can see issues coming really. When we are all together I feel funny and awkward and I stop talking. They aren’t interested in me and anything I have to say. I think I’m being made out to be the issue, the one who doesn’t fit.

I know what you mean. It seems quite common for men to “not see” their parents’ and siblings’ behaviour to their wives, whether that behaviour is bad or they’re just disinterested. I don’t believe for a second they can’t see it, I think they can’t face up to it. It’s easier to see it as “my wife doesn’t get on with my family” than to take on board that his family are the issue, and that they are the ones preventing the happy families scenario that would make him feel more comfortable.

Well, or they’re just not that bothered by family and IL relationships? I can’t say I’ve given the relationship between DH and my family two serious thoughts in the decades we’ve been together, any more than I’ve given my relationship with his parents any. They’re like mildly annoying colleagues you generally put up with, eyeroll about and have moments of fondness for, in both cases. Neither of us consider our ILs ‘family’, they’re just stuff that comes with the other person.

My MIL doesn’t like me, and would far have preferred DH to marry his previous girlfriend. Some of the things she’s done would be made into a huge drama by Mners, like the time she compiled a photo album for DH’s 40th birthday that, in several hundred photos, including the countless graduations, 21st birthdays, family weddings, big birthday parties, big anniversaries etc I’ve been around for (because DH and I got together young), I appear in precisely two photos, one a big group ball photo from our student days. Some I must have been cropped out of.

Not being an insecure drama queen, this struck me as funny more than anything. I’m quite fond of MIL, tactless and unimaginative though she is, but I’m fine with her not liking me and being obvious about letting it show. I don’t need DH to start a feud about my exclusion or anything. She wanted a nice SAHM who would go shopping with her and talk about soaps and Weightwatchers. That’s not me. It’s no one’s fault. She’s never going to change.

I find it more puzzling why so many posters seem to mind so desperately what someone who’s only in their lives because of who they married thinks of them.

You can’t win so don’t play the game. Why would you want the respect of people who judge others on that basis?

I’m not particularly bothered about it personally. They aren’t too interested in me, fine!
OP’s situation is different though because it’s her DH who wants happy families and the OP can’t do a thing about it, because she isn’t the one preventing the jolly scenario that he wants.

OP,

Are you going to allow your son to grow up listening to their mother being insulted, rejected and compared and do nothing about it?

Stand your ground. They don't like YOU, and YOU can't be anyone else. So fuck them, would you advise your child to try and change so someone else likes them?

Would you fuck.

Stop caring! Dont see them if its easier, or if you want to - do a classic line of 'did you mean to be rude?'

Grow a back bone and be a good role model! You seem a good person, so fuck the lot of 'em!

I see the toxic MILs are out in force on your thread, OP.

My ex MIL was similarly vile to me. And my ex was similarly unsupportive. In the end, I blew a gasket and then didn't go back for 5 years, until they made a proper apology. They absolutely behaved themselves after that and I was different around them - more myself and confident. I really recognised what you said about being tongue-tied and not yourself. I binned the ex though. He was two-faced and spineless.

When someone is openly vile to you, it's not a 50/50 situation if you don't like them because of it. Their comments and behaviour are indefensible. It's not okay for anyone to try and make someone else feel shit about themselves. It's toxic behaviour.

I’m in a similar position to you, ive been with my husband for 8 years with 2 children. It suck’s doesn’t it! My MIL (FIL is a silent participant) is constantly interfering, causing stress, playing the victim. Im extremely different to their ideal DIL & unfortunately because I have my own mind I’m “hostile” when I don’t do what they tell me I should. Ive got to a point for me where I had to accept I’ll never quite fit in, regardless of how many times my husband pulls them up on it. It’s amicable don’t get me wrong but it does get you down. After I had my first baby they kind of had to accept I will always be a part of their life.
You shouldn’t have to fight for validation just for being you. As long as you & your little family are happy that’s the main thing. You’re not doing anything wrong just by being yourself. As hard as it is, if your partner makes you happy it’s worth the in-laws hassle. You just have to have a vent now and then to release the stress, in my case of being called “big momma” 6 days post partum🤦🏻‍♀️

Well they wouldn't like the royals then, all those divorces and affairs. So you're in good company.

They're batshit. Wear a tiara next time you go.