My partners parents don’t like me and it’s getting to me.

[Partlydueto]

We’ve been together about 5 years and we have one child together. They have made it known that Im not good enough, not a good fit with the family. They seem to think that they are this type of family where only good things and showing off is the way to be. I suppose im a bit louder and less interested in looking good and more interested in enjoying my life. When we are together it’s so bloody awkward. They don’t actively talk to me more we talk in conversations but they don’t actually ask me anything eg, how are you or how’s work or have any interest in me as a person. They usually talk about what other members of the family are doing and ignore what we are doing.

It’s starting to get to me. What am I doing wrong? As a family we have loads of fun and adventures and we are happy so lots to be interested in. They have in the past made comments about how I need to be more like other members of the family. Its getting me down that they think I’m not good enough. My partner doesn’t seem to notice much, or he does and doesn’t mention it to me. When I’ve brought it up in the past he just shrugs it off and says that’s my parents. I have started to hold back from visits and he go alone, which also makes me feel rubbish that I’m never going to be accepted. I don’t think that there is anything bad about me, I get on with most people.

Has anyone else experienced this and did it get any better?

It's not you, it's them. It's easy for your DH to ignore what's going on and it's unfair to expect you to put up with it. He should be standing up for you. If he won't i'd lower contact with them to a level you feel comfortable with. It's not fair to criticise you and expect you to put up with it.

This is outrageous. What sort of people would say this!

Honestly, your partner is the biggest problem. If someone was rude to me or made disparaging comments about my parenting my H would challenge them and we'd get up and leave. You're MIL is being a bitch but your partner is allowing it because he's a spineless mummy's boy. It's easier for you to be upset than her. He doesn't have your back.

It’s been said many times over the years very subtly. It makes me feel so rubbish. Me and the other gf are different people but it doesn’t make one better than the other. She even said that I should get the other gf to make my
babies meals and she is better. Lovely!

Honestly @2Little he and his brother are terrible mummies boys. The other bro (and they late 30s) rings his parents every single night and talk all day long via chats. It’s just too much, they only live a few mins away from each other. Mine isn’t that bad but he still is a mummies boy. They both vying for the attention.

What does the other gf think of the suggestion that she becomes your cook? Would you have to pay her? 😄

She’d love it, she loves the attention from the mum. The mum is forever telling her she is amazing, a credit etc etc. They have become very close in that sense.

I think you’re in danger of accepting their view of what’s ’good enough’ as some kind of objective criterion, though.

My MIL would have liked a DIL who was a SAHM to many, who was always ‘popping in’ with the children, maybe had a ‘little job’ for pin money, but nothing that would get in the way of being available for shopping, daytime bingo and Weight Watchers. Instead she got a woman with four degrees, very career-focused, mother of one by choice, whose idea of a good time is opera and hillwalking. And no, she would never accept that my way of living is just different, but that’s because she’s terminally unimaginative!

@FoldedClothes I do feel more and more nervous in their presence, like what am I going to be doing wrong now. I also know I am not the person that they want in the family and I don’t want to be that kind of person. I’ve no interest in acting perfect and not having a voice. I get annoyed having to hear about the other family and how perfect they are. They don’t make a fuss they look good etc etc. It’s all they talk about. They aren’t doing anything though, they always at home.

Youe DH is a problem. He's an adult supposedly, vut vying for his mum's attention and you've become a victim of this weird relationship where he won't speak up for you or recognise that their treatment of you is terrible.

Yep, this. Just be yourself - join in things if you feel like it, stay away if you don't. Eventually it gets to a point where they have to accept your partner is happy, your children are well brought up and happy and they are older and have to make peace. This is what I found. Been married 30 years, was never posh enough......

I had the same issue, it took many years until I decided they are not my blood relatives and stopped seeing them took my husband to have an accident to see his mother's behaviour , he hasn't seen her for 8-9 years , we see his dad elsewhere. What I say is above ....run ...and keep your child from being in the toxic environment .

Vote with your feet. There's no reason on this earth why you should feel obliged to spend time around people who are hostile and unpleasant to you. Just refuse. And don't make excuses - be honest about your reasons.

If your partner doesn't like it, then he has two options: he can address his family's horrible behaviour and persuade them to apologise and show some manners going forward, or he can go on his own.

I just think this...some people don't like you; others do. And everyone has two categories...people they like and them they don't. It's very unfortunate your in-laws have put you in the don't like category...but it is what it is. Always be cordial, avoid visits absolutely where you can and just accept it. It's not you at all...they aren't married to you and I unfortunately sometimes works out that way. They sound like a bag of dicks anyhow. At least you can avoid seeing them now legit 👍

Be thankful they're not your actual parents. You literally described my dad. We don't have a relationship anymore...and it's fabulous. Good luck OP ❤️

I've been with my bf for 20 years, we have 2 boys 16 and 13. Its maybe been for the last 3ish years they have treated me well 🤣. My bf lost his shit entirely round about then so they sorted their shit out. Also his sister's kids are getting older and really do love me, I was actually given the aunty title this month 🤣 I've been in their lives since the day they were born 🤦🏻‍♀️ they are 16,13 and 6.

Just don't go, they don't exist.

If your partner doesn't understand then end it, if you stay together make no promises of help as they get older and don't attend their funerals.

Goodbye judgmental people, who do they think they are.

You don't need them.

It's not you- it's them

I had the same problem, the more they pushed me away the harder I tried.
In the end after 16 years I told them to GFY!
Man it felt good and the only regret I had was not doing it sooner x

They are really rude. I'd stop going to their house and I'd worry about your child going there as it isn't good for them witnessing their grandparents being horrible to/about their mum.

I would go low contact for you and your child.

Does your partner know that this behaviour is making you reconsider your relationship?

Sounds like you spend a lot of time with them -why?
Do you work?
Can you move away?
Sounds like DH and his family have prioritised a close relationship -surely it’s about time you had a say in what you want.

DH problem, fairly sure my in-laws aren’t overly fond of me (subtle things) but they have to be nice because otherwise DH would kick up a stink, god bless him, he’s extremely direct.

Just avoid them, if they are mean to you, you have no obligation to sit still while they shoot barbs at you.

Why are you seeing these rubbish people? They are not your family.

Refuse to see them again as they've been extremely rude and disparaging to you. You spend holidays with your family. If DH doesn't like it, he can sort out with his parents how they treat you because you are not a punching bag for them.

I know lots of people with awful in laws. Their problems got sorted when they stopped seeing them and let their DH deal with them. Hope you manage to do that. I'd be incredibly upset too if anyone said anything like your in laws say to you.

It's their loss, and they'll see their grandchildren less as a result which really they deserve.

As someone with 20+ years’ experience of in-laws who sound very similar, my advice would be to work on accepting that you will never have the relationship you deserve or want from them. Grey rock and minimal duty contact is the only way to preserve your sanity.

i’ve also come to the conclusion that not asking any questions about how I am/what I’m up to etc (I.e. no attempt to mirror my own interest in them and general good manners) is mainly down to ignorance rather than them being intentionally unkind.

I go limp and bland and stay just the right side of acceptable levels of contact so as not to rock the boat. I leave all gift buying and arrangements up to DH and am civil and smiley enough around his family to go under the radar, but never put myself out and never go the extra mile to support his relationship with them, nor that of my DC and that side of the family.

I read the OP twice and could t quite work out why it was concluded that the in-laws didn't like her. Sounds like she doesn't like them and has decided to create a rift out of thin air.

But of course posters are piling in saying that they're "horrible" and to cut contact etc.

Have you not read her updates? Would you accept being told you're not a good mum constantly and that you need to do things like your sister in law and try to be more like her?? That it's weird you're finding something hard because they found it easy and also you should stop asking DH to help parent his children because that's not a man's job.

I think you are being a wet lettuce here.
Why on earth won’t you stand up for yourself?
So if they start on how you aren’t good enough you cheerfully tell them “Oh but I like myself as I am, and so does bf, don’t you think it would be more fun if you changed to be like me?”