Ex making divorce so difficult

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He has phoned me 3 times and also showed up to my house unannounced in the last week, all to talk about the divorce we are going through.
I had to file a court order for him to show his financial details as he ignored all correspondence.
He stands to lose potentially a lot of money through this divorce and it is killing him. He told me yesterday I'm ruining his life and putting him through hell.
I just want a divorce. He wants one too but does not want to have to pay or give me anything. We have an 8 year old child together.
He had been drinking and phoned me last night saying some horrible things, it's honestly this awful big black cloud hanging over my life and at every stage of this divorce he has made it difficult and awful.
We are only at the start of it, I'm worried he might do something to himself and then my son would be without a dad. I really don't know what to do.

He doesn't want to pay for the divorce at all? That's ludicrous! Is he not in agreement with 50:50?

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Is he intimidating you as part of financial abuse? Have you discussed this with your legal advice? It may be worth considering protective orders to stop the unwanted contact / harassment/ intimidation.

@DoreenonTill8 I don't have any assets and didn't bring any to the marriage , so he isn't going to get much from me, unfortunately he is the one with the assets so he feels it is totally a one way street and that it's unfair. I get where he's coming from and I certainly don't want to take him to the cleaners or anything like that , I just want a reasonable settlement and can take less than what I'm legally entitled to.

@Roguebludger I did say to him that this is verging on harassment and he said how dare I say that ,that I'm the one harassing him (simply because I want a divorce and was left with no other option but to file a court order and now he's being asked to provide details of houses, valuations etc)

This man is going to be fine. He is intimidating you so that you don’t ask for what you and your son are due.

Turning up to the house, intimidating you, suggesting tacitly that he may harm himself or commit suicide are classic behaviour of an abusive man. He is abusing you.

The answer is you get a very tough solicitor to deal with him. Literally this is the best investment you will make because in making it so hard, your ex wants you to be in a bad place. He wants you to be weak, because it means you won’t get a good settlement. It’s all about money, and your son doesn’t deserve a mother who is impoverished either.

Power to you. I did this many years ago with a similar man. My advice would be get tough early. He is already telling you he will be difficult. Match that and then some and you will succeed.

Report his harassment and suicide threats to the police. It's not harsh, it's entirely the correct way to deal with men like this.
Block him in every way possible and only communicate with him via a parenting app. One of the joys of ridding yourself of him is never having to speak to him again.
He can direct his whining to his solicitor.

Take what you are entitled to! Don't give in to his tactics.

Don't answer his calls if they upset you. Agree to message by text / email only, and only about legal matters or your child. Otherwise don't respond.

He's responsible for himself and his mental well-being, you're not. It's unlikely he will take his life, and more likely he's trying to manipulate you. Whatever, you can't control his actions, only your responses.

Block him on your phone.

He's intimidating and harassing you to try to reduce the impact of the divorce on him.

@bombastix Thank you. He is wanting to do mediation to come to a financial settlement as he doesn't want to pay for all the legal fees. Tbh I don't even think mediation would work with him..
I now have to go and see my solicitor next week and go through my options, I haven't told her how he is behaving.
He's also a functioning alcoholic, thats the main reason we broke up.

You tell your solicitor today about all his BS behaviour my dear. He wants to soften you up, get you in a room, manipulate you and get you to agree a mediated settlement that is good for him.

You can do a shuttle mediation. That’s you in two separate rooms.

But I reckon your solicitor will clock his tactics immediately. Lots of men, not just your ex do them. Put up barriers, get the disclosure.

My ex was a functional alcoholic too. Please try not to worry about solicitors costs etc. you can arrange to pay that at the end from your settlement. Mediation didn't work for us as mine kept turning up drunk. Even when I booked them for 9am. At the end of the day it's not up to him what you get, it will be down to a judge if he's not reasonable. His behaviour is what's going to cost the money. My exes fees were over £30000 and mine were £24000 just rebuffing all his nonsense.

I agreed with what I was offered and he still found things to argue about, the cat and a stereophonics cd oh and a Lakeland heated drier. It was nuts.

Edited for too many zeros on costs!

The phone calls are so upsetting and really make me second guess myself, I said he has victim mentality and he said ,yes because he is the victim. I'm not answering his calls anymore. We both have solicitors and I've asked him to direct everything through them.
It's awkward as he sees his son regularly so comes to pick him up.
He asked why did I bother getting married and said I just had a child so I could live off benefits ( I work and receive universal credit)
Then when I said about his drinking, he tried to say that I was on drugs. I took Ozempic when I was with him to try and lose a stone, thats the drugs he's referring to. Honestly FML 😭

Yes they are. You can get an app to arrange child visits you don't need to speak to him. He can collect the child from school and drop back at school so you don't need to see each other

Trust me you will get through it. He is hoping he can make you feel guilty. Block the phone calls. You must look after your own mental health and not let him occupy it.

Btw, if he is alcoholic, should he have access to your son?

I did this. Our Family Wizard. Recommended.

Keep a record of all of it.

@bombastix he sees our son during the day not actual overnights, he only ever drank in the evenings when I was with him

@Doggymummar omg £240,000 in legal costs? Wow! That would completely wipe out any money we have altogether with nothing left over, if it was going to cost that then I would just call it a day now and settle! Sorry you had to go through that.

Okay but he can’t have it all ways. He is someone who turns up and intimidates you and makes suicide threats but also sees his son.

I would get this recorded pdq. I reckon this is to manipulate you but he does not sound too stable with threats and drinking?

£24,000 not £240,000

@bombastix well he didn't say anything about suicide, that's my own anxiety worrying in case he would do something like that. He just said I was ruining his life and he is going through hell.

@Doggymummar oh sorry, I read the post too quickly! 24000 is a lot more doable than
240, 000!

Okay. Well it shows that he’s got right inside your head doesn’t it?

Men like your ex are ten a penny in the divorce courts. He is not special.

For gods sake don't let him manipulate and browbeat you into taking less than you're due in the settlement.

That's why he's doing it. He's bullying you. He's not a victim here.

Leave it to your solicitor and take your share. It's to your child's benefit that you get what you're due, so you can provide for them and are on a reasonably even playing field after the split.

Don't end up struggling because you're putting the rantings and thrashings of a grown man ahead of your child's interests.

He also thinks my solicitor is trying to manipulate me, she's really not, she's a lovely woman and firm, she just saw I was getting nowhere with him and said that this is the next step ,.to file for Ancillary Relief order And make him show his financial statements etc.
He says she's all about the money and wants me to go down this route, he cant accept any accountability that he didn't engage with me at all for a year and now here we are , at this point.