Ex making divorce so difficult

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He has phoned me 3 times and also showed up to my house unannounced in the last week, all to talk about the divorce we are going through.
I had to file a court order for him to show his financial details as he ignored all correspondence.
He stands to lose potentially a lot of money through this divorce and it is killing him. He told me yesterday I'm ruining his life and putting him through hell.
I just want a divorce. He wants one too but does not want to have to pay or give me anything. We have an 8 year old child together.
He had been drinking and phoned me last night saying some horrible things, it's honestly this awful big black cloud hanging over my life and at every stage of this divorce he has made it difficult and awful.
We are only at the start of it, I'm worried he might do something to himself and then my son would be without a dad. I really don't know what to do.

Haha! Ancillary relief is sweet. He has just realised that if you get that then he will be in a very bad position.

No wonder he is turning the heat on you. Your solicitor is doing a good job. You stick with her

Tell him since you had to go to court to force financial disclosure that mediation is obviously not possible now. Block his phone , set up a new email address and block all contact except through that email, then you can control when you read it and everything is in writing. He's being an arse because he can, just keep reminding yourself you'll be free of it when it's done.

(TW) To be honest, if someone was able to tell me that he definitely won't kill himself over this, then I would go ahead all guns blazing. But I have this awful feeling he might, especially when it gets real, we are only at the beginning of it now.

Rubbish. Everything he is doing is me me me. People like this don’t kill themselves. He is thinking about his future and manipulating you.

Do NOT settle for less than you are entitled to!! This is your future and that of your child!! Tell your solicitor everything, and make sure you tell your family and friends about his behaviour and attitudes. Do not think about 'protecting' him because he, sure as hell, will not be doing anything to protect you OR his child...

@bombastix thank you 🙏 I'm an anxious person by nature, so if course I catastrophise and think of the worst case scenario which would be that.

You are welcome. Do tell your solicitor about his behaviour. She will be able to show it for what it is clearly.

Also do reach out to friends and family. They too will have a perspective that is independent of this selfish, manipulative man.

Nobody can tell you for sure, however it's such a common tactic used by men it's highly likely he's playing you. If you genuinely feel he's suicidal then call for a welfare check, and do this whenever he makes these comments.

Go for what you're entitled to, he has a child to support and won't do so willingly. Your solicitor sounds great, no wonder STBXH doesn't like her! Tell her everything he's doing and take her advice, you'll be in a stronger position when it's all over and be thankful you did.

I very much doubt he will. I think he's just weaponising his mental health to make you back down.

He knows you're an anxious and compassionate person so it's his best shot.

No-one can make that promise, but it's more likely he's just going full on drama to manipulate you.

He’s really not going to kill himself

@Gonegirl7 thanks, I really hope not

He's also saying stuff like, we need to stay on good terms for our sons sake and if we go down this court route we will end up hating each other with a passion

Hi OP. There are a range of emotions swilling round during a divorce. My strong advice is to be very clear (via your solicitor), that you will not be dealing with him directly and only via the solicitor. Work out clear and fair time for him to spend with his 8 year old but do not allow this as a way for him to have contact with you via the backdoor. Ideally use grandparents to do any handover. 50/50 is the starting point for a split with you then adjusting for any specific needs as prime carer. The fact he feels entitled to more is not at all unusual and it is his problem to get over it. Make sure your solicitor is aware of his suicide threats. This is a quite common form of male control when women look to leave and simply say (via your solicitor) you are sorry and suggest he gets appropriate help.

The thing is I don't want to ever get married again, like ever, so part of me thinks , is it worth getting divorced if I don't want to get married again and putting us through this. But I also don't like the idea of staying married to him either.

In mediation you can have legal representation. Does he actually mean true mediation though or just him guilt tripping you to accepting less? (I suspect the latter). It would be difficult to mediate unless he has completed disclosure (Form E) and do so honestly and cleanly- do you know where all the savings and pensions would be? Given behaviour I would be reluctant to mediate. Interesting to see if he would start from a 50/50 process?

If you stay married this will never stop and he will demand emotional engagement from you will next to no financial support.

Get the ancillary relief. It means you will be provided for for the whole of the proceedings however long that takes. His aim is that you don’t apply because then he will be in a very poor position and be under financial pressure to settle. You must do it.

I don't have any assets and didn't bring any to the marriage , so he isn't going to get much from me, unfortunately he is the one with the assets so he feels it is totally a one way street and that it's unfair.

Can see why he feels annoyed, but at the end of the day he was foolish enough to get married- if he didn't think about the fact that if you divorced he'd be liable to give you half and you had nothing to split then that's his stupidity. I can't understand why anyone with more assets than the others gets married tbh, but he did and it's tough. Go for what you're legally entitled to!

It benefits his child that they both come out if the marriage provided for.

Never understand why people want to hoard their assets away when their child would be affected.

The world is overflowing with men who said they would kill themselves over relationship break-ups and are still very much alive.

Grey rock. Stop communicating unless it's about DC/essential to sorting the divorce. He can rant on all he likes but you don't have to listen and you certainly don't have to respond.

You need to report his behaviour to the police, it's escalating.

They need to know so if you ever dial 999 your address is flagged.

He's being abusive and you shouldn't do mediation with someone abusive.

Lots of great comments already - his mental health is not your responsibility, OP.
Marriage is a legally binding contract that both parties should be fully aware when they sign it that it means joining assets and then splitting them in the case of divorce. If his mental health is affected by a standard contract he and millions of other people enter into willingly, that's everything to do with him and nothing to do with you.
Also, not to be morbid about it, but if he did kill himself, you'd get everything anyway... he is panicking because he has realised that it's his own choices that have led him here and that's a hard pill to swallow. Let the lawyers deal with it.
If you stay married, he's your next of kin - he would have final say over any decisions made in your medical care if you became unable to make them yourself. He could run up mountains of debt, which could mess with any financial split arrangements. He could use it to emotionally control and manipulate you. None of these things are right for you or your son.
And the thinly veiled accusation that if you take him to court you are ruining any amocability for your sons sake - that would be HIS CHOICE. He would be CHOOSING to let his feelings about the financial affect how he interacts with your son, or how he interacts with you about co-parenting. He would be choosing to break down the relationship. If he'd do anything for his son, he would of course be able to lay nice for his sons sake and leave any animosity for private discussion about finances only, as any good parent would do.

He's being both abusive and manipulative. My ex said the same, let's do it ourselves and not give the Solicitors all the money, we can both be reasonable etc. What he meant was he didn't want me to be advised so I would give him what he wanted and I'd walk away with nothing. Your solicitor has seen it all before and is there to advise you. Listen to them, not your abusive ex. It's a long old road but you will get through it and be so much happier long term. Stay strong and take each day as it comes.

Don’t be silly. Of course he’s not going to do you the massive favour of killing himself. Whenever he threatens it call the police for a welfare check. Be clear that you think it’s a manipulation tactic but obviously he is the father of your child so you need to be sure. He won’t do it again

Hi OP Please tell your solicitor everything, and don't accept less than you are due, for your DCs sake as well as your own. I don't agree with posters upthread who say be in contact him via apps etc. Your solicitor needs to be tough and do all comms with him. It is particularly unacceptable for him to come to your home. if he does, do not let him in. Speak to solicitor about him harrassing you, and evertything else.

He's an Alcoholic.

Alcohol has ruined his marriage.

Alcohol will ruin his life.

Alcohol may very well be the cause of his early death.

You can't save him. You need to look after your child and yourself.

Don't engage with him at all, only through solicitors.
Don't hesitate to call the Police if he harasses you, turns up at your door, makes any threats (including suicide).

Grey rock.