My DP stays at his ex wife’s house when he visits home

[Happybunny80]

My DP and I have been together for just over a year and we’ve been living together for 3 months. He hasn’t told his grown children about me yet (31 & 25) and the majority of his friends don’t know I exist.

I lived in a different country and he moved to be with me. After one month of living together he went back to his homeland to see his doctor and stayed with his ex wife (separated not divorced) and one his 26 yr old son. His other son has a spare room but he made the excuse that he couldn’t stay there as there wasn’t a bed in the room. He stayed over night and now he has planned another trip for two nights still staying with his ex wife and son.

I find this very disrespectful but when I bring it up he gets angry and doesn’t see what the problem is. He says he moved away from them and gave up his life to be with me so why isn’t that enough to show how much he loves and wants me. He says he is going to tell them all about me in 2 weeks when he is back, but I just don’t believe he will. I’ve put my foot down and said that come Christmas, if he goes home, then I’m going too and suddenly the “I have to go to the docs every 2 months” isn’t a thing!

He regularly stays at my parents when I have a trip home and I never go anywhere without him. Apart from his gym time, he is with me 24/7 as he also now works with me.

I feel like I’ve shared my entire life with him as he has met all my friends, family and colleagues, yet there’s only 3 people in his life that know about me and my existence.

He won’t let me post any photos of him on social media as he says it’s not fair on his family to be splashing how happy we are when he has in effect abandoned them. He has put his foot down and said we won’t be having a foursome with his friend and his fiancée for dinner or drinks (she’s an awful woman to be fair and tried to stir things up in our relationship the first time I met her). I feel like I’m being hidden away and he wants me just to himself but equally share everything and everyone in my life.

Im almost 45 and don’t want to be flogging a dead horse. I don’t see why he has waited so long to tell his kids and I don’t see why he wants to stay at his ex wife’s house even though they had a very a amicable break up! Am I being ridiculous and harsh on him for not wanting him to stay there and wanting his family to know about me?

Please don’t be so naive. You sound intelligent. You know exactly why he stays there and why he doesn’t let you post about him. Sorry but, wake up. Move on.

You're being played, simple!

I would do what the other reader said post everything on social media after all you've got nothing to lose he has.

Oh come on. It's staring you in the face. The man had other options than his wife's (not his ex) house but still chose to have a sleepover with her.

Work on your self esteem and standards, this bloke shouldn't have appealed in the first place.

He's still married.
He's told her that he's working away.

You are his dirty little secret and he uses anger to shut you down.

You are being naive and played by him.

I totally agree with you! Sounds like you are the side chick. Don't keep letting him lead you on. Life is too short to be a side piece! move on 😏

Did you ask him why he suddenly doesn’t need the dr’s appointments every 2 months now?

It doesn't make sense because he's lying!
I think you're the "other woman" and he has no intention of building a relationship with you.. sorry

I don't understand...so the DC were told they only split up in January, but they all lived together the 4 years since they actually separated? And no one wondered why they no longer shared a bed or were no longer affectionate towards each other?

I can actually understand keeping it quiet if there are concerns the divorce can turn nasty (although from what you've said that doesn't appear to be the case), but now the Dr's appointments are no longer needed as soon as you say you'll go too?

At a bare minimum he has zero respect for you.

I think you need to do some social media digging. Are his children and wife on it? If so check their pages as you'll get your answer. Sounds like he's not being fully open with you and can't be trusted.

So after seven months you thought it a good idea to move this man in, knowing that you haven’t been introduced to his family or friends? I think you have made assumptions about your comparability with this man without knowing much about him outside of what he’s told you.

You clearly are not on the same page as this man and and I bet there’s more things that you aren’t on the same page.

The only people who know you are a coupe are people in your life. Not one person his his life knows this. Come on, he still married and you are the affair partner ? surely you are not that gullible to be falling for the 'visiting the doctor crap ? HES MARRIED. you only have HIS word for it that he is separated. People lie ....

I know a men who refussed to let his new girlfriend see his family/parents as he didn't want to admit to himself and his family that he had been having an affair and the hostility that would cause They have been together for 18 years now, moved in together when his children grew up and are very happy.
I also believed someone when he said that his long term girlfriend and him have split up as I didn't want to see him and have another women think of me badly. After a few months, I questioned him as he wasn't introducing me to his friends etc and he told me they didn't split up.
Maybe he doesn't want the agro of admitting the has found someone else or maybe his just playing you, I couldn't say.If he sleeps in the same bed as his wife, then I think it's fairly certain that they are physical with one another.
In your hearts of hearts you know the answer .

I’m afraid you are the OW here, and he has no intention of anyone ever finding out about you in his real life.
Move on.

Your last paragraph shows you already have your answer. You are "flogging a dead horse". If you are content with being used like this - carry on. I wouldn't bother giving him an ultimatum, he will find a reason to travel back to his home country and you will be back to square one worrying.
Your future with him does not look good. Value yourself and dump him

He met you and was having an affair with you while telling his wife and family he was going away on "business." Then he told his wife he got a great job abroad but would have to be separated while he worked, but don't worry he would be home every two months to be with them. In the meantime he is shacking up with you. Sorry OP, but you are the OW. This seems very clear.

My now ex would go off and stay with other women. He’d always call to say goodnight, but only when the OW was in the shower or he’d gone outside to have a cigar, I eventually found out. Calling is no proof of good behaviour.

Depends on the culture this man is from. In some cultures it would be quite acceptable to take a mistress in a country where they were temporarily visiting and working, provided this was not declared publicly. The wife would hate it, but would accept it as to not do so would be a significant loss of status. Are you sure this is not what is happening OP?

I think he's hedging his bets - seeing if it works out with you, and if it doesn't he can go back home, no harm done!

It sounds to me like you are 100% flogging a dead horse. Being kept a secret is not a good sign and his actions are both disrespectful and suspicious. You and I are the same age, I don’t think I’d want to waste my time on this one.

As another poster said, maybe ask to see the divorce paperwork. I'm very amicable with my ex husband and if he moved away I would let him stay with us to visit my son. I can also understand not wanting to rub it in on social media that he has a new relationship that she ia unaware of. If he has said things will change in 2 weeks when he will tell them, I think I would be willing to give the benefit of the doubt for that amount of time but have some serious questions if it didn't happen.Hope that helps.

I don't care on what grounds but which sane divorced/separated man spends the night with his ex-wife? Aren't there hotels, hostels, airbnb, temp accommodation anymore? Surely at 45, you should know that this dude is looking at you straight in the eyes and playing in your face! If i get you right, you facilitated his move abroad by giving him employment, you're now housing him, basically sponsoring his entire life abroad....You said you heard him speaking with his solicitor, lol, as if he can't get any of his friends to make a faux call, so you can get off his back.....He doesn't want his picture with you on the internet, because he knows there's every chance his wife will see it one day(you know how social media works with shares and repost)....Ma'am, i hate to break you but you are his affair mistress and he's still very much married back home...BTW, that he's with 24/7 means absolutely nothing...A cunny man will play you in your very presence and you wouldn't detect a thing!

You deserve better. Find someone who is free to be with u

With the amount of love scam documentries and stories like "WHO TF DID I MARRY?" (listen to her story on Tiktok - Search for Reesamteesa ) no woman should be falling for scams/men like this, in this day and age!