My DP stays at his ex wife’s house when he visits home

[Happybunny80]

My DP and I have been together for just over a year and we’ve been living together for 3 months. He hasn’t told his grown children about me yet (31 & 25) and the majority of his friends don’t know I exist.

I lived in a different country and he moved to be with me. After one month of living together he went back to his homeland to see his doctor and stayed with his ex wife (separated not divorced) and one his 26 yr old son. His other son has a spare room but he made the excuse that he couldn’t stay there as there wasn’t a bed in the room. He stayed over night and now he has planned another trip for two nights still staying with his ex wife and son.

I find this very disrespectful but when I bring it up he gets angry and doesn’t see what the problem is. He says he moved away from them and gave up his life to be with me so why isn’t that enough to show how much he loves and wants me. He says he is going to tell them all about me in 2 weeks when he is back, but I just don’t believe he will. I’ve put my foot down and said that come Christmas, if he goes home, then I’m going too and suddenly the “I have to go to the docs every 2 months” isn’t a thing!

He regularly stays at my parents when I have a trip home and I never go anywhere without him. Apart from his gym time, he is with me 24/7 as he also now works with me.

I feel like I’ve shared my entire life with him as he has met all my friends, family and colleagues, yet there’s only 3 people in his life that know about me and my existence.

He won’t let me post any photos of him on social media as he says it’s not fair on his family to be splashing how happy we are when he has in effect abandoned them. He has put his foot down and said we won’t be having a foursome with his friend and his fiancée for dinner or drinks (she’s an awful woman to be fair and tried to stir things up in our relationship the first time I met her). I feel like I’m being hidden away and he wants me just to himself but equally share everything and everyone in my life.

Im almost 45 and don’t want to be flogging a dead horse. I don’t see why he has waited so long to tell his kids and I don’t see why he wants to stay at his ex wife’s house even though they had a very a amicable break up! Am I being ridiculous and harsh on him for not wanting him to stay there and wanting his family to know about me?

How long was he actually separated when you got together?

Sounds like you’re a rebound convenient partner until he either reunites with his ex (if they’re even truly separated) or he moves on to his next stage once the dust settles.

Anyone who hides you from his life does do because they know you’re not a permanent fixture or they’ve got a parallel life.

He isn’t a partner in any real sense. Hes using you as a convenient stop gap.

he was separated for 4 years but living in the same house as he got on well with his ex wife. He was never in the house but when he was, he would call me at night when he was in bed or at the weekends so I never felt like he was lying to me.

The only possible explanation for keeping you secret (and of this is the case he should just say so) is that as the divorce is going through perhaps the ex is doing it all quite amicably at the moment. This would seem to be the case as she let's him stay when he is back in the country.

Does he think if she knows he is already seeing someone else she will kick off, become nasty about things and it throw a spanner in divorce proceedings that are being worked out between them at present.

Sit him down and ask why the secrecy. If it is because he thinks it will hold divorce up or cause it to become nasty you can take a view as to whether you are prepared for it to remain so. As regards papers ask to see them. If its his degree nisi then it could only mean another couple of months ro be dealt with. If he won't have this conversation or show you what papers then I would reconsider my position then.

I left my xH and it was very traumatic. Even though it was the right thing to do and the relationship was unhealthy/maybe even abusive, I felt very guilty.
when I met someone new I was terrified of my xH seeing us together and felt like I was doing something wrong even though I wasn’t. I was also afraid of being judged for moving on even though it had been over a year.
so there can be complicated feelings about it and I get the not posting on social media thing. My new DP and I don’t do that still and we’ve been together a year, I just feel like it’s not anyone else’s business and it would hurt my XH.

the staying with her is a different issue but not necessarily sinister

Sorry to be blunt OP but it sounds like this guy is using you. You’ve provided him with employment and are sharing your bed with him. Yet he’s treating you like his dirty little secret. 🚩🚩

Sorry OP but you're being used.

Break it off immediately.

This is not what a good relationship or a good man would be doing.

I couldn't be with a person who, after a year... Hasn't introduced me to friends and family.. (unless they've got young children but that's by the by)

I'd like to believe that any man that claims to love me would be proud and happy to be seen with me and introduce me to the people in his life.

He's keeping you a secret because you are a secret.

Can you be sure that was a genuine call to the solicitor? You were starting to question his advantageous set up, job, home, sex on tap, wife back home. He's controlling you to make sure his secret affair doesn't get discovered. Dump him.

This was silly OP but lesson learned. Its one thing to take a punt on moving in with someone you don't really know, I've done it myself, but getting him entwined with your company too is a bit of a mess.

The reality is hes using you and most likely still with his wife, you need to get him out your house but getting him out your company is going to be a bit harder.

There is no fixing this 'relationship' its only just started and its making you feel shit. You need to get rid.

You are convenient. The being angry when you ask a perfectly reasonable question is the key.he'll be off as soon as his divorce is sorted.

I’ve put my foot down and said that come Christmas, if he goes home, then I’m going too and suddenly the “I have to go to the docs every 2 months” isn’t a thing!

Among all the other red flags, this is the reddest to me. This means that all the other times he was going home "to see his doctor", he was lying to you. He was looking you in the eyes and telling you lies because he didn't think you deserved the truth. And he's such a good liar that you didn't realise he was lying.

Trust me, I'm not just sticking the boot in. I know what it feels like when the trust you have in someone crumbles before your eyes and you start realising the depth and extent of the lies. I know how crushing it is. But I'd bet you £100 that his wife thinks he's just working away and that his boss is so mean he only gets to come home every couple of months.

If someone shows you they are untrustworthy you'd be a fool to yourself to nevertheless trust them again.

Oh mate, this has red flags all over it.

No one knows about you. No social posts. Stays with 'ex' when at home.

He's leading a double life.

he was separated for 4 years but living in the same house as he got on well with his ex wife.

That's a lie that's been around for as long as people have been having affairs.

He was never in the house but when he was, he would call me at night when he was in bed or at the weekends so I never felt like he was lying to me.

He would call you when his wife wasn't there. He's a master manipulator.

They have been 'separated' for 4 years but have only just got round to the divorce, and they have lived in the same house all this time? Sounds like the kids left home, his marriage got a bit boring, he suddenly met a woman ( younger presumably) who offered him a job abroad and a bed and he thought 'why not?I'd be surprised if his wife knew they were officially separated and he had filed for divorce. If he really has been separated for 4 years, what is the problem with his children knowing he'd found someone else? Chances are, they would be surprised to hear their parents were 'going through a divorce' too.

Nobody knows about you because he is still married.... Time to bin this one op.

Oh c'mon OP, it's obvious.

Apparently they had no intentions of divorcing until we met, as he was happy just trundling through life and going where he wanted when he wanted.

one of the kids left home and one still resides in the family home.

yes I am about 10 years younger than his ex wife.

the job didn’t come about until about a month before he was moving here. It was a sensible option but not guaranteed long term due to my placement being project linked.

his grown children were only told at the end of May or June that he was leaving but they told them that they had only separated from January 2024.

there’s lots that doesn’t make sense as I’m typing it myself to be fair!

I’m not worried about my DP staying at his ex’s house when visiting his son. I even tolerated him staying with another ex when they met up as she lives a few hours away and it saved him hotel fees. But I wouldn’t be ok with being kept a secret. To me that’s the real disrespect here. I trust my DP not to have sex with someone else just because he’s staying at her house (as he pointed out when I originally objected, if he wanted to shag her she could come to his hotel room!)

It's more that the relationship seems unequal - you’re integrating him into your life, he’s keeping you in a separate box - compartmentalising makes it’s easier to split up so I’d be thinking he’s not that serious about you regardless of the ex situation.

his grown children were only told at the end of May or June that he was leaving but they told them that they had only separated from January 2024.

So someone who you already know is perfectly willing to lie to your face, has told you something he won't give you the opportunity to verify. Nice.

His words are worthless because he's a known liar. When dealing with known liars you need to ignore what they tell you and pay attention to what they do:

• He lies to you.
• He hides you from his friends and family.
• He's stopping you from posting pictures of the two of you together.
• He tells you things that don't add up.
• He gets angry at you when you question him.
• He changes his story when put on the spot.

Those are all the behaviours of someone who's having an affair.

Honestly OP sure you can see he’s lying through his teeth and waving more red flags than a Moscow communist party parade?

I would bet money he hasn’t been separated anywhere near 4 years if at all.

He's using you in plain sight

My Dad basically did this. Went to work abroad, told his girlfriend out there that he was seperated from his wife. My Mum was quite surprised to find this out, as he'd not bothered to tell her and she was happily under the impression that they were still (not that) happily married!

Many years ago one of my mums friends jet a man who worked in oil rigs 4 weeks on 4 weeks off. She was with him nearly 5 years when someone saw him in London with another woman during one of his offshore periods.

Turns out he actually worked in the oil companies London office, never offshore and his wife also believed the 4 weeks off 4 weeks on story he’d used for many years to conduct numerous affairs.

Christ, thats almost impressive in an underhanded way. My Dad was rather less good at keeping his secrets, and it all came out within a period of months.

spot on !!

I would hang in a bit and see what happens at Christmas.
If he is in the process of a divorce it may be that he wants to go for a ‘clean break’.
If it comes out that he’s been having an affair this may make the divorce very difficult. The “soon to be” ex wife will turn very nasty.
I’d hang on in there for a bit if I were you.

They were separated for 4 years, in same house and kids present, but only told the kids they were separated in January?

Nah….

He may well have left his DW now, but as a new thing, on the basis of ‘new job abroad’, and is hiding you in order to minimise the fury of his DW. And she may or may not know that he has left, rather than just got a job abroad.

But 4 years of amicable separation which the kids didn’t know about?

Nah.

He needs to come clean and be honest about what is going on.

In principle, staying with his amicable EX isn’t an issue. I know people who do this sort of thing and they are not messing about. Usually there is a friendship with the respective new partners etc.

But no one is hidden. There is no scent of rat anywhere.