Why did I text? Feel like a complete fool

[DontDarnMe]

Is anyone in a similar position with online dating?

I am 40 and matched with someone about 18 months ago on Tinder. Things went well, initially, but then he started to slow-fade. I reinstated contact and we met up again, was really nice. I really like him, he's the first person I have liked a lot since a horrendous divorce 7 years ago. Again it kind of fizzled out and this time I let it as I didn't want to demean myself! I didn't block him and he didn't block me, could see when he changes his whatsapp profile. Today was a significant day for us (an in-joke) and I text him. He's not replied. I really really feel stupid now. I don't know whether to just delete or wait and see if he replies. Even if he does, it'll be me doing the leg work and that hurts too. I just feel like a complete fool. I've seen a few threads where posters have said 'you'll know if he's into you because men who are into you make it known' and this guy hasn't ever done that (apart from right at the beginning).

I have tried to go on dates with other guys this year but I'm just not feeling it, I don't feel attracted to anyone I've met so far apart from this 1 guy. I really have tried to put myself 'out there', done speed dating, singles parties, all the apps...

I absolutely hate online dating, or just dating in general, I suppose. I hate the ruthlessness and weirdness of some people, the vanishing profiles when you're in the middle of chatting to someone you're matched with, the slow-fades, the men who are clearly just looking for sex when they say they want a relationship.

I don't know if I should even be dating, but I'm so lonely and so fed up of being the only single one in my friendship group, in my large extended family, at the school gates...

Any advice? Thank you xx

You didn’t make a fool of yourself at all. You remembered your joke and naturally messaged. If he responds, then be civil. If he doesn’t, then you know to draw a line under it and move on.

Sorry OP, this sounds shit. It's not you. You haven't done anything wrong. It sounds like you need to forget about him now though and move on. Would it be worth trying some new hobbies or going along to some in person things to try and make new connections? OLD can be so wearing.

The way we meet people now is abnormal and uncomfortable. There's something so much more lovely about a natural meet and attraction. I feel we put our hearts and souls into things now online but the reality is alot of people on dating sites are having their cake and eating it. Meeting up with several people. Messaging several people. How can you truly fall for one person if you are giving so much of yourself to other people.

It's not your fault and it's absolutely not embarrassing you messaged. He's not going to sit there laughing about it. You've given him a final chance before he loses you.

Keep your chin up x

I messaged someone today who is a friend who has pursued me in real life, told ne how much he liked me, walked me home from the pub on Saturday night and kissed me passionately. He hasn't responded 😔 I feel your pain op.

Don’t feel daft but if he doesn’t respond you need to forget about him. I’m sure someone great for you is out there but it can take a while to find. Don’t give up hope.

Thanks for all the lovely kind responses, really appreciate it ❤
I feel like a complete melt. But you're right; this isn't about me.

I really do just feel like throwing in the towel; I can't stand Tinder/Bumble/Hinge and just the way men (not all, but a lot of them!) behave.

Think about it this way, you dangled a carrot (message) and he hasn’t bitten. It’s over. Hopefully it’s some real closure. You can just say fuck em and move on.

Delete his number

The way we meet people now is abnormal and uncomfortable.

Yes!!!

Would it be worth trying some new hobbies or going along to some in person things to try and make new connections? OLD can be so wearing.

I am quite shy and honestly have tried a few hobbies (hiking, kayaking) but surprisingly not had any luck. I thought lots of people there would be singletons in their 40's, maybe divorced / separated who would want to be interested in mixing afterwards but people just sort of turned up and went home afterwards 😅 maybe they had other halves to go home to?!

One of the many problems with OLD is that it facilitates dating multiple people at the same time. This is particularly an issue for women as we are conditioned by society to find traits that men who are dating multiple women exhibit.

These men are comfortable with you from the start - as they are well practiced with meeting new people; they are well turned out, have interesting stories to tell, know nice venues, listen to you, and ask the right questions - as they know which formula works; and they are not pushy for sex - because their sexual appetites are already being met by other women they are dating.

You have been sincere and genuine in your engagement with this man but unfortunately he has not, and has not had the decency to highlight to you that your intentions are not aligned.

He is charming but he is not available. Block, delete and move on. And perhaps take a hiatus from OLD, pursue hobbies, study, volunteer - love has a habit of finding us of it's own accord when our heads are in the right place.

“At least with the apps you know that they're single”

😂

Don't beat yourself up.

Besides this, sadly for you, it's very obvious the relationship wasn't going anywhere anyway.

All you can do is learn from it and don't message him ever again.

He's realky not worth it, no matter what you think.

Your time will come with the right person.

Let be honest, the old meet someone at an art class or running club or church choir is load of bollocks.

Meeting someone should not be the motivation for participating in activities outside of work.

Live, develop, find meaning in life - we don't need a bloke to be complete. Icing on the cake - yes, but not the be all and end all.

You never know if someone is single or not until you've ben to their house, met their family and friends and he or she is presenting you to everyone as their partner.

Even the old lonely hearts ads were full of partnered folk looking for a leg over.

Why should a man do all the leg work? Takes two to make a partnership, he might be shy or feel he is always rejected so hangs back waiting for some sign you like him. If you like someone, tell them what's wrong with that, will our little female brains explode with over heating or do you think men should avoid women who know what they want and aren't afraid to speak it?

OP you haven't made a mistake at all, we all want to make a connection. Even if he doesn't respond, you've not made a fool of yourself. If he does reply it's up to you whether you want to respond.

Sounds like you aren't in the right place for a relationship right now. Be gentle with yourself and please don't berate yourself for just being human.

Equality quote of the week!

I “chased my husband “ and we are still happily married 35 years later. Don’t feel embarrassed OP.

I’m so glad that back in my days of meeting guys that it was before the dating sites, where meet ups happened naturally in pubs on nights out. Men had to approach you then and didn’t have social media to hide behind. They treat OLD like sweet shops - just grabbing multiple dates, with little real effort. That’s how a lot of guys are wired. Hope you strike lucky OP and meet someone - there’ll be your prince out there, but you might have to wade through a swamp of frogs to get to him.

Ah now pipe down Andrew Tate! (pats little furious baldy head)

🤣

The problem with this vision of male-female relationships is that the men that really like the chasing - see it as a sport, almost - tend to lose interest once they have won their prize or "slow-fade" as the OP put it.

And again, it has the woman falling prey to a man that can say the right things, take you to the right places, and be patient for sex - as he will simply hop into bed with one of his regular squeezes after a "continuation" date in the pursuit of you where he perhaps just puts a lingering hand on the lower waist or gives you a reserved peck goodbye.

Let's leave this internalised patriarchy behind.

I started dating on old again after my divorce. I got my fingers burnt twice with guys who weren’t that into me plus lots of really bad dates. I really felt like giving up the whole thing. Then I read the updated ‘Rules’ book and honestly it all got so much easier and more fun when I stuck to it. I met dh within about 6 months then and we’ve been together 8 years now.

Matched only by the earlier But no decent woman should be doing the legwork. If the fella is interested he needs to do the wooing.