Why did I text? Feel like a complete fool

[DontDarnMe]

Is anyone in a similar position with online dating?

I am 40 and matched with someone about 18 months ago on Tinder. Things went well, initially, but then he started to slow-fade. I reinstated contact and we met up again, was really nice. I really like him, he's the first person I have liked a lot since a horrendous divorce 7 years ago. Again it kind of fizzled out and this time I let it as I didn't want to demean myself! I didn't block him and he didn't block me, could see when he changes his whatsapp profile. Today was a significant day for us (an in-joke) and I text him. He's not replied. I really really feel stupid now. I don't know whether to just delete or wait and see if he replies. Even if he does, it'll be me doing the leg work and that hurts too. I just feel like a complete fool. I've seen a few threads where posters have said 'you'll know if he's into you because men who are into you make it known' and this guy hasn't ever done that (apart from right at the beginning).

I have tried to go on dates with other guys this year but I'm just not feeling it, I don't feel attracted to anyone I've met so far apart from this 1 guy. I really have tried to put myself 'out there', done speed dating, singles parties, all the apps...

I absolutely hate online dating, or just dating in general, I suppose. I hate the ruthlessness and weirdness of some people, the vanishing profiles when you're in the middle of chatting to someone you're matched with, the slow-fades, the men who are clearly just looking for sex when they say they want a relationship.

I don't know if I should even be dating, but I'm so lonely and so fed up of being the only single one in my friendship group, in my large extended family, at the school gates...

Any advice? Thank you xx

Has anyone even pitched woo since 1938? 😆

I find the whole concept of men being weak just because they are shy or nervous of asking someone on a date and they really want to get it right first time utterly ridiculous. Just because a woman asks a man on a date or sent him a text doesn't mean she is putting it all out there on a plate either.

Yes. The phrases "decent woman" and "weak men" do nobody any favours.

You have very much hit the nail on the head there.

First off, it's a him problem, not a you problem. It's rude to not reply to someone with anything, even generically non-committal.

And I think 35-45 is the toughest time to be single, because most people that age aren't divorced yet, they're staying together for the kids or the marriage isn't fully stale yet. And of the ones who are single that age, they want to go out with someone in their late 20s/early 30s or have something casual.

I think aiming lower or higher age-wise would help if you haven't tried that already?

I was expecting much worse from your title! It's fine. Maybe block him if it will be easier for you to move on.

Definitely don't feel embarrassed! Most people would text him on the in-joke day. It's natural to make a connection with someone and think of him when something comes up that you've talked about.

I'm just thinking though that it's causing you stress to not know where you stand - does he like you but has genuinely been busy, or is he seeing someone else? - so is there any way you can delete his number and draw a line? I think it's called breadcrumbing, when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you interested? I don't think it's good for you to stay in contact with him, and IMO the only way to move on is to stop communication...

You sound like a really nice person, OP.
I don't have advice about the actual dating scene, but wanted to say I think you need to stop chatting to him..

I remember a long time ago being told.
•they don't lose your number
•they aren't really busy
• if they don't call/make a date

They're just not that into you.
Sack him off & move on

His loss. You're absolutely not an arse - don't give him another minute's thought

Oh fuck him, who cares what he thinks?! You sent him a text so what? But if he replies, it will probably be after a few days just do not reply, you don't need this kind of flakiness in your life, I've been there, they play with your mind, just ignore him he's not for you. I'm also with you on the man front, I'm in an unhappy relationship, I'm trapped, it's complicated I would do anything for him to leave but he owns a proportion of the house. I often think about what life would be like single and honestly I cannot think of one man I even know of who I'd want to have in my life, the quality these days is so low. Try and refocus your energies and thoughts back onto yourself, can u do something nice for yourself this weekend? Honestly don't waste another second of your precious time worrying about someone so insignificant to your life.

It doesn't sound like you have embarrassed yourself at all.

It sounds like he probably likes you as a person but something isn't quite there enough for him to pursue it as a relationship.
After a gap you have quite naturally texted him on a specific day about an in joke.
You have a lot of emotion / attraction invested so are anxious about a reply and reading into whether he replies or not.
He, on the other hand, probably read the text, smiled at the joke, meant to reply but got distracted and forgot. Because he isn't invested, to him it was probably just a nice text from someone he dated for a while last year.

He probably won't even be aware that you have so much hanging on the text & his reply so no need for you to feel embarrassed

I actually think both of those are true. Equality might be desirable but dating hasn’t caught up and these are the reality. Women pursuing men by and large just leads to a lot of wasted time and disappointment. I didn’t pursue or do any legwork. It made me feel more in control rather than less. Men asked, called, texted. I just responded to what I wanted to respond to. I’m very happy with my husband so I don’t think I missed out on anything by not asking out men who were not that interested in me.

The main issue with pursuing men is that the vast majority will say yes to you because they’ll have sex with basically any woman who looks willing. He will tolerate you for months even years if it serves his penis but you won’t be his preference.

The problem is the assertion that a woman is indecent if she doesn't make men do all the work.

@Delphiniumandlupins I think the word ‘indecent’ has connotations of being promiscuous but the person who used the word ‘decent’ didn’t really mean that any woman doing the opposite is ‘indecent’. I think it was meant as in someone who has high regard for themselves. The truth is that if you pursue and are willing to sleep with men with no commitment or without knowing them well many men will view you as lower value. It’s wrong and unfair but it’s the way it is.

Let it go. Life's too short to constantly go over a few gaffes we all do.
But I agree - if I guy wants, he lets you know.

I'd suggest you pursue hobbies simply because you enjoy the activity. A by-product might be you make new friends (male or female) from them....eventually. It takes a lot of time to do this if you only see people for an hour or two once a week. The only lasting friend I can recall making from a hobby was at an evening class I went to every week for a year or maybe two. I think we started by sitting next to each other.

Only do OLD if you can emotionally step back from a bit and see it as a bit of fun, rather than something that must have a good result at all costs. Being desperate to find a partner is not a good place to be in, so if you can enrich other aspects of your life, you may actually have more success.

Don't beat yourself up you're a human being and us humans need connection to others.
He certainly wouldn't lose sleep if he messaged you and didn't get a reply he'd just message others.
No one likes online dating but it's the only way often, sadly :-(
Matthew hussey love life - listen to this on audible and you will feel so much better x

Thanks @FrauPaige for your lovely reply xx

Thanks for this advice
Yeah I'm slap-bang in the middle of this age-bracket and it really does feel like everyone else is partnered off. I obviously wouldn't wish a divorce on anyone but I have met people who are a bit older who are single so actually I might look for someone older. X

Yeah to be honest I think that I do need to step back, and good point about not making friends easily if you only see someone for an hour or two at a time!
I miss uni and being young, when making friends and boyfriends was so much easier 😭 it seems impossible to make either at this time! I do wonder if having a few more friends would make being single more tolerable? But everyone is partnered off so I don't see them as much as I used to. And having young families makes it hard to meet up as well.

The main issue with pursuing men is that the vast majority will say yes to you because they’ll have sex with basically any woman who looks willing. He will tolerate you for months even years if it serves his penis but you won’t be his preference.

I have noticed how this; I don't know how they can be so un-picky? Men I have barely had any time to talk to let alone get to know are so eager to hop into bed. It's wild.

Thanks @Towerofsong I think you're probably right; he has no idea how much is riding on this for me... I know we all pick up our phone, read a message then forget to reply or don't feel the need to. He definitely knows how much I like him on one level, in a shallower sense, but not on another level.

I'm always texting a man who has no interest in me, he'll find time for a shag if there isn't a better option. I do it because I'm desperate for him. It's pathetic. No good ever comes from it.

We've all done it op
Best thing you can do is remove all contact info for him so you can't be tempted to do it again
Delete all messages and try to forget about it

I'm sorry - that really sucks. I was in a similar position when I was younger and then again with this guy more recently... It's like I've not learned a thing! It is a horrible feeling; I am sending you good vibes for the future. This guy you describe sounds horrid. But I totally get that feeling desperate for someone and sort of not caring about the situation because you like them so much xxx

This is absolutely one of the best things I have learned from being on Mumsnet ❤ even though it is not nice to have to acknowledge it. "You'll know if a man is interested". I have seen it when a man actually is interested and how they will go to great lengths to contact the object of their affections.

(The other great takeaway from here is that "No" is a complete sentence!)