Why did I text? Feel like a complete fool

[DontDarnMe]

Is anyone in a similar position with online dating?

I am 40 and matched with someone about 18 months ago on Tinder. Things went well, initially, but then he started to slow-fade. I reinstated contact and we met up again, was really nice. I really like him, he's the first person I have liked a lot since a horrendous divorce 7 years ago. Again it kind of fizzled out and this time I let it as I didn't want to demean myself! I didn't block him and he didn't block me, could see when he changes his whatsapp profile. Today was a significant day for us (an in-joke) and I text him. He's not replied. I really really feel stupid now. I don't know whether to just delete or wait and see if he replies. Even if he does, it'll be me doing the leg work and that hurts too. I just feel like a complete fool. I've seen a few threads where posters have said 'you'll know if he's into you because men who are into you make it known' and this guy hasn't ever done that (apart from right at the beginning).

I have tried to go on dates with other guys this year but I'm just not feeling it, I don't feel attracted to anyone I've met so far apart from this 1 guy. I really have tried to put myself 'out there', done speed dating, singles parties, all the apps...

I absolutely hate online dating, or just dating in general, I suppose. I hate the ruthlessness and weirdness of some people, the vanishing profiles when you're in the middle of chatting to someone you're matched with, the slow-fades, the men who are clearly just looking for sex when they say they want a relationship.

I don't know if I should even be dating, but I'm so lonely and so fed up of being the only single one in my friendship group, in my large extended family, at the school gates...

Any advice? Thank you xx

Someone up-thread mentioned ‘The Rules’ , it’s worth considering

This is it, I'm a total numpty. But if I don't get his meagre crumbs I get nothing at all.

Just read this - please don't feel bad OP. What did you do wrong?

You sent him one message. Perfectly reasonable thing to do if you like someone and feel there's a chance things may work out.

It's not like you turned up drunk and crying at his house, or boiled his pet rabbit or something......

I think there is a lot of pressure put on women to conceal our feelings all the time (sadly this often comes from other women - telling us we are "acting desperate", asking where is our self esteem, etc). and why should we? If we like someone, why shouldn't we make that clear to them? It doesn't demean us in any way...... My self esteem is fine, and part of it derives from the fact that, if I like someone, I have the courage and confidence to make that liking known.

I actually think there is a somewhat sexist stereotype around that men should make all the running in relationships and women should be some passive "prize" to be won.

Fuck that. I wouldn't want a man who thought it was his role to chase me and mine to be caught ....

You did nothing wrong, nothing silly, nothing shameful. And there are plenty more fish in the sea - honestly. I really hope you feel better soon.....

It's shit but you have to find a way to take it less personally. Maybe he's not into you. Maybe he's seeing someone else now. He might be having a hard time/busy with work - the list goes on. The one thing you do know is: he's not available. Don't waste your time pining after someone who isn't available. The reason doesn't matter.

There's a guy called Matthew Hussey on YouTube and Instagram who talks about this very well, and helpfully.

Also it's not just men. I'm gay and it's the same with women.

It was me that mentioned it. It’s by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. They have done lots of versions to accommodate for internet dating etc. I think this is the last one.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Rules-digital-generation-bestselling/dp/0749957247/ref=asc_df_0749957247/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=5289298003486358767&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9189584&hvtargid=pla-2281435177418&psc=1&mcid=54b1281b7d9f34188522fdaf236999b2&th=1&psc=1&hvocijid=5289298003486358767-0749957247-&hvexpln=74&gad_source=1#immersive-view_1729973602113

Some out dated fashion advice but the actual dating and communication advice is very good.India Kang also did a kind of shortened version with her own take and that’s pretty good too and she has a section on all the questions men ask on dates and the right way to navigate them. https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Date-Single-Dating-Manual/dp/1911175114?ref_=ast_author_mpb
There’s also a number of Facebook groups that are pretty supportive.

It really does seem to be the only way 😕 I can't meet someone through work as we're all remote working. Not had any luck at clubs / hobbies (though as PPs have said, it is hard to build a friendship or a romantic relationship if you're only seeing people for 2 hours a week! And also it's fair to say you should be doing a hobby for it's own sake not to meet a future DH!).

I have seriously considered joining an old-school dating agency / lonely hearts thing but I don't know if I'd have any luck either doing that.

Thanks so much.. I thought people were talking about Jordan Peterson's book 🤣

Do you have any names of Facebook groups? Are they specifically about 'the rules' or just groups for singles?

Thank you x

I'm sorry that really does suck but I think that there are so many of us in this boat.
Modern Life / the apps seems to have given men free rein to be really unkind.

I came across the term "breadcrumming" on mumsnet and it honestly it made so much sense to me. I think having the vocabulary to succinctly describe behaviour is really helpful x