MIL trying to get very involved now that I'm pregnant, but it's giving me anxiety.

[AmberPoet]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short, me and MIL didn't start on the best of terms as she got very jealous of me coming into my partners life. As the years have gone on, we have got a lot better, but I have kept her at an arms length distance because I don't cope very well mentally with too much exposure as she is very anxiety ridden and her partner can be quite toxic in the things he says and does.

Since I have been pregnant, she has shifted and she has started to try to get involved much more in our lives. She's very excited about becoming a nanna for the 1st time and that is lovely. But sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed by the things she says, for instance that she wants her partner to be called grandad. I don't feel that comfortable with that because my husband has never seen him as a father figure and he's never had much to do with kids so I don't believe he'll be hands on. Another thing she keeps mentioning is putting a nursery together in her own house, I think she is expecting this child to stay over not long after it is born, which I don't feel comfortable with. Also, she keeps going on about looking after the child, which of course we are happy for her to have them once or twice a week when I'm back at work but I feel she is hoping it to be more because she is retiring for when the grandchild comes along.

Don't get me wrong I understand she's excited and I want her to be a part of our child's life as I know we will all benefit. But it's a bit full on at the moment, and my anxiety is building because as a 1st time mum I want to establish our routine as a family 1st. Maybe it's the hormones, but it's all just grating on me a little too much at the moment.

Put boundaries in place immediately or things will only get worse. Putting nursery in her house starts red flags and alarm bells ringing.

My step mum is Granny despite my mum being around (and furious) but she's all my DC have ever known.

The rest you need to manage her expectations for - not expecting to have baby to stay, no proper nursery required - it's all when you're ready and not before.

I'd be researching alternative childcare as you will find yourself beholden to her if you are reliant on her for childcare.

You need to get your partner on board now and present a united and consistent front. He needs to have your back as you both set boundaries with this woman.

Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy.

Just get your DH to talk to her surely? It's kind to warn her not to spend money on a nursery or to retire early when you don't know how your set-up is going to look once baby is here. Say you're planning to bf (even if you're not) so the baby definitely won't be able to stay away from you until you stop anyway, so that's probably the first year (or two).
Re the step dads name, what does your DH call him? If 'Dad' then it makes sense for the baby to call him grandad. But if it's 'Brian' then DH can just say he's comfortable with the baby calling him Brian too.
If there's any problems with open and easy communication about this stuff, then THAT'S your actual problem.

Do NOT rely on her for regular childcare when you go back to work.

My mums husband isn't my dad (they didn't get together until I was 40/ds was a few months old), but he's my ds' grandad for sure. But I do love him, and ds adores him, so a bit different to your scenario.

You need to get your dh on side here. What's his take on it all?

You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, just make sure that you and your partner are on the same page.

You can’t predict how you are going to feel when baby is here - you might not want the baby out of your sight or you might need a few hours to yourself from time to time.

You haven’t committed to anything and no expectations can be put on you. Partner needs to be firm with mum.

MN users hate MIL! I'm one baby due in weeks. I've never had expectations about anything bit give the woman a break. Just say nicely, the baby will not be staying away for the first year. Why not wait. Establish if she'd like to have GC a day each week when you're back at work. Save you a bit in childcare. Probably jump at the chance and gives her bonding time and you probably then don't need to visit as much. Allow her yo be involved a little bit. As you probably are with your mum. Over time, granny's are the best. Chill out relax don't answer your phone or text messages so often.

Thanks for your input. I believe he's with me with regards to the Grandad situation. He believes its an earned title not just a given one. In all honesty I haven't spoken to my DH with regards to the rest, I have been trying to see it all in a little bit of a different light. But it's starting to bubble up inside of me. I do have to tip toe with these conversations with my husband, but I will be mentioning it tonight while we're out for a meal

Many red flags are flying here re his mother and partner. Sounds like she wants to play at being mummy again to your child. Overbearing people are not helpful and will try and ignore any boundary you care to set.

Your husband and you need to present a united front when it comes to his mother. He is also key here; how does he get along with his mother and her partner generally speaking?. If he is distant from these two it will be easier all around.

Why on earth do you want her to look after your child once or even twice a week when you go back to work?. Is this really at your H's behest so putting your doubts to the back of your mind?. Give your head a wobble here particularly as you keep your distance from her and are uneasy about her for good reason. Your man may not see all the toxicity re her and her man as he's grown up with her but you do.

And indeed do not rely on them for childcare when you go back to work. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are real trouble. You have already kept her at arms length for good reason and you should continue to have firm and consistently applied boundaries when it comes to them. You need to keep your child away from her and her partner; a man you also do not like for good reason.

Feeling the need to tiptoe around around your dh on this is worrying - why do you feel like that?

Amber

re your comment:

"In all honesty I haven't spoken to my DH with regards to the rest, I have been trying to see it all in a little bit of a different light.

You've seen it with your own eyes; do not give his mother and partner here the benefit of the doubt. Speak to him and do not sugar coat it. You are uneasy for good reason, do not ignore your innate senses here. If you do use her for childcare there will be a price to pay here and not just financial. You will kick yourself for rolling over so and you will need to find alternative childcare.

" But it's starting to bubble up inside of me. I do have to tip toe with these conversations with my husband, but I will be mentioning it tonight while we're out for a meal"

Why do you have to tip toe re these conversations; is is because he cannot and or will not deal with his mother?. Is he afraid of her and or still wants her approval even now as an adult?. Is he mired in fear, obligation and guilt when it comes to her? All these scenarios are problematic. He is key when it comes to his mother. Where is his biological father, is he still alive?.

Not all of MN hate MILs but people can and do miss red flags here because their own relatives are nice and kind so equate all older people to being nice too. Its not so sadly.

I’d recommend breastfeeding. That way she won’t be able to baby sit for the first year until the baby is weaned.

That’s what I’m currently doing and there’s other benefits to exclusively breastfeeding too!

He does shut down a little bit when it comes to these conversations so I don't always know where he stands.
Communication isn't his strong point.

Why do you think he shuts down?. I am wondering if this is also started in his childhood, has he ever talked to you about that?.

I am sure he can communicate with people in the outside world and his work colleagues just fine. He feels very uncomfortable talking about his perhaps because he's been led to believe by his mother the sky will fall in on him if he "upsets" her. He's likely never talked to anyone about his family before.

Honestly I wouldn’t worry too much about this yet. The grandad thing, I’d let go, because it really doesn’t matter. If she is going to my grandma and he is her husband then he will be grandad by title even if not by action, I wouldn’t get too worked up by that.

The nursery in the house, depending on what they mean by that, I’d just let them. It’s not the hill I’d die on, my parents did this when I was pregnant and although at the time it felt unnecessary it has actually been useful since we had our baby because it saves me having to pack up a million things every time we go round. They have a play mat, a changing mat, a crib, nappies etc when we go round which actually makes my life so much easier. It made them happy to do a nursery at their house and we have benefitted from it even though I didn’t initially see the point.

With regards to the comments about looking after baby, again, I’d just keep stating you’ll see how you feel when baby is here. Once baby is here, if they offer then you can accept or decline, and if you get tired of being asked you can simply say you appreciate the offer and you’ll let them know when you would like to take them up on it.

Id just question, in a nice way, face to face

why are you putting a nursery in MIL? It will be a long time i imagine before baby would be able to stay over. By then youll only need a travel cot you can fold away!

FIL (partners dad) will be grandad. Step-fil will probably Gramps (or what ever). We dont want to confuse baby with two grandads do we?

Oh your planning to retire next year? That will be nice for you. Ill be going back to work when baby is around 9 months but will use a childminder/nursery close to work/in our village.

play innocent and stay calm, not get upset. With a partner with poor communication, i wouldnt bet he will step in to set her straight unfortunately

Thanks for your insight. His mum is the only person he really has a relationship in his family. His family are really quite toxic and there has been a lot that's gone on over the past 15 or so years. He doesn't speak to his dad as his mum and dad went through a messy divorce, but sometimes I think he might benefit from getting back in touch. I feel sometimes he would rather just ignore his mum when she texts and rings (then she texts me asking if he's okay), than have an open and honest conversation with her.

He probably has never been able to have an open and honest conversation with her for many reasons; perhaps she would scream and shout at him in response, say, "after all that I've done for you!" or otherwise turn on the tears. Also she is not built that way.

He may well find her completely impossible to at all deal with and cannot reason with so does not and equally cannot. His family are all toxic and I daresay the relationship he has with his mother now is tenuous at best. She is not a person you want to leave your child with when you go back to work.

How do you respond when she texts you after not being readily able to contact him?.

It’s hard to tell from your description if this is an overbearing MIL who wants to control you and her ds and is bullying you into letting her have your baby more than you feel comfortable with.

or

a kind and helpful MIL who has retired early to help you by looking after your baby and you have gone along with this plan. If she is having baby two days a week a nursery of sorts makes sense - she’ll need some for the baby stuff and for their naps.

I don’t think it’s entirely helpful to talk about worries as ‘anxiety’ unless you have a diagnosis - might be worth talking to your midwife. Sometimes we are generally anxious (understandable before a first baby) but that manifests by focusing in on a small detail that we try to control at her than trying to address the bigger picture. Your baby will probably invent their own word for your mil’s partner anyway, it’s not something to worry about.

There certainly was a lot of screaming and shouting, and a lot of emotional blackmail when he lived with her. It's no wonder he struggles with communication now.
Usually she texts with something else, like how are you feeling this week, then once I respond it's instantly "is he okay, he hasn't responded to my messages" she starts a conversation knowing I'll respond to ask me why hasn't he been responding. I do get quite angry because I feel this is the only time she actually texts me. The other day I just text back saying "as usual he's fine, he's been busy working and doing other things" she responded after that but I never got back to her

I think having grandparents who live close is the greatest parenting hack ever. Is she a good person? Would you feel safe leaving your child with her when the child is a bit older? Do you think she will respects your boundaries?
If the answer is yes then, as @Mog65 says start the conversation now about the expectations.

Basically you must TELL her what your childcare plans are and that you will be bf (even if you don’t end up doing it, you can start to manage her expectations). If you want her to look after your baby twice a week you will have to accept that she will have a big role in baby’s life and she will have some autonomy on those days, otherwise pay for childcare.

"There certainly was a lot of screaming and shouting, and a lot of emotional blackmail when he lived with her. It's no wonder he struggles with communication now"

It was not his fault; he was but a child at the time. He likely blames himself though.

Would he ever consider seeing a therapist re his relationship with his mother. Would he read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward?.

I would not readily respond to her texts messages and also ignore them; she is basically using you as the "weaker link" in the chain here to get back at her son for not responding to her. Do not use her for any form of childcare!!!.

Was the screaming and shouting a two way thing between your partner and MIL?

Yes, and his mum with other family members