MIL trying to get very involved now that I'm pregnant, but it's giving me anxiety.

[AmberPoet]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short, me and MIL didn't start on the best of terms as she got very jealous of me coming into my partners life. As the years have gone on, we have got a lot better, but I have kept her at an arms length distance because I don't cope very well mentally with too much exposure as she is very anxiety ridden and her partner can be quite toxic in the things he says and does.

Since I have been pregnant, she has shifted and she has started to try to get involved much more in our lives. She's very excited about becoming a nanna for the 1st time and that is lovely. But sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed by the things she says, for instance that she wants her partner to be called grandad. I don't feel that comfortable with that because my husband has never seen him as a father figure and he's never had much to do with kids so I don't believe he'll be hands on. Another thing she keeps mentioning is putting a nursery together in her own house, I think she is expecting this child to stay over not long after it is born, which I don't feel comfortable with. Also, she keeps going on about looking after the child, which of course we are happy for her to have them once or twice a week when I'm back at work but I feel she is hoping it to be more because she is retiring for when the grandchild comes along.

Don't get me wrong I understand she's excited and I want her to be a part of our child's life as I know we will all benefit. But it's a bit full on at the moment, and my anxiety is building because as a 1st time mum I want to establish our routine as a family 1st. Maybe it's the hormones, but it's all just grating on me a little too much at the moment.

MIL's partner will be a granddad to your child if MIL is in your lives. My DS had a granddad who was his dad's mum's second husband. Not a father figure to dad at all. I think you are being a bit precious over this point tbh. You shouldn't try to micromanage all of your child's family relationships and remember although you are in charge of your child, this doesn't make you in charge of anyone else.

The rest of what you describe also sounds like she's being a bit overexcited but not sure why any of it's making you anxious. If you don't want baby staying just say to MIL there's probably not much you setting up a whole nursery as baby won't be doing overnights until about a year (or whatever).

She's not really doing anything wrong, she's just a bit overexcited but that's a good thing. Surely you want an overexcited loved up granny for your child? Better than one who is completely disinterested.

You need (with your partner in agreement) to decide some boundaries and stick to them BUT you shouldn't also expect 2 days of free childcare every week.
Unfortunately you can't have it both ways

This is an excellent response.

I think Grandad title is up to your DH to resolve but maybe your pregnancy is a good moment to make contact with his Dad and tell him about this and see how he reacts.
But there is an element of overthinking at this stage, see how it will go, my nephew didn’t call mum’s partner - Dad but his child called him Grandad and actually adores most of all ( but he is a really good person I should say).

Cut all the conversations about nursery at her house etc and give out less details at this stage.
But bear in mind your MIL might be one of this grandmas who talks a lot but it never results in actions.

Her mother in law is not overexcited though; she wants to play at being mother again to OPs child. Given too the relationship OPs H has with his mother now that is another red flag amongst many here.

OP is worried and for very good reason; her feelings are valid and should not be minimised. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are real trouble. Look too at the relationship she has had and now has with her son. Its not at all good.

Ah bad luck OP, this is a type of MIL (and sometimes DM!) you often see referenced on here. Not remotely interested in their DIL until a baby comes along. Then still not interested in the DIL other than as a vessel for a grandchild. Grandchild is feted as being the centre of their world, not yours. Demands for baby to come and stay alone with grandma almost as soon as he or she is born! Constant nagging about wanting the baby to themselves, buying their own nursery, pushchair, highchair so baby can be looked after without any involvement from the vessel/ DIL. Racing you to do the firsts - food, haircuts, big Xmas presents etc. Calling the baby “my boy/girl”. Calling them by a preferred, different name too sometimes! Tears and recriminations abound if they don’t get their way.

Often these MILs are people who have a difficult relationship with their own son, who have ignored or belittled them. It’s as if they don’t like their own child and they can’t bear their own child to now be a parent - they want to take over and do it all themselves again, having been a shit parent the first time round (with no acknowledgment of that of course)!

If you’re going to keep this person - who remember previously showed no interest in you and resented you for being the partner your DH chose - in your life you need to set the boundaries NOW and stick to them. And if this MIL doesn’t bring joy and happiness to your lives at a time when a baby should allow joy and happiness to abound through a whole family but with the baby and new parents at the centre, rather than worrying about how to ensure you get to look after your baby on your terms - then reduce contact. As soon as you give an inch she will take a mile.

Hmm I think with your updates about your partner's response to his mother and his poor communication, that this is going to get MUCH worse once you have a baby. Does he acknowledge there are issues with his mother and how his upbringing was? If so would he be open to talking to a therapist about how relationships should work, communication and boundaries? That's your best way out of this long term. Empower your partner basically.

Atilla - are there many red flags though? OP doesn’t mention any actual actions that are concerning, other than ‘screaming and shouting’ and we don’t know who was doing it or why. OP appears to have gone along with MILs plans so how is MIL meant to know it’s a problem if OP doesn’t tell her!!

You need to have an open, honest conversation with her before she makes life-altering financial decisions based on her assumptions. You can't let her retire just because she expects to look after your baby when you go back to work, that's bonkers. Speak to her!

We haven't necessarily gone along with it, we've just not got to the point where we know fully what our plans are as we're still in the early stages and have been so focused on growing this little human 1st and foremost. I have tried to be open minded, but I am now getting to the point where I feel anxious, and needed to open up about my thoughts before I start having these conversations with my DH and my MIL.

I honestly think she will retire regardless of what we say

But at least you will be able to say when it all goes wrong (and it will) that you told her.

Totally agree

It might help to remember that all this is pipe dreams right now. All the plans she’s making for a nursery at her house and what your her partner will be called. You don’t need to reply to it right now and not confronting her over it isn’t the same as agreeing.

Hi sandysoles

re your comment to me
Atilla - are there many red flags though? OP doesn’t mention any actual actions that are concerning, other than ‘screaming and shouting’ and we don’t know who was doing it or why".

This has been explained further in OPs posts.

There are plenty of red flags re his mother sadly.

MIL was never really bothered about the OP beforehand and likely sees her as a mere vessel for her grandchild now. "OP and MIL didn't start on the best of terms as she got very jealous of me coming into my partners life" is a very telling comment.

OP has herself kept her at an arms length distance because, "I don't cope very well mentally with too much exposure as she is very anxiety ridden and her partner can be quite toxic in the things he says and does".

She wants her partner to be called grandad; a term neither of them are happy about. As she explains, "I don't feel that comfortable with that because my husband has never seen him as a father figure and he's never had much to do with kids so I don't believe he'll be hands on"

Another thing she keeps mentioning is putting a nursery together in her own house, as OP writes, "I think she is expecting this child to stay over not long after it is born, which I don't feel comfortable with".

Her H's lack of relationship with her nowadays. She texts OP when she cannot contact him.

Its really not possible to have an open and or honest conversation with someone like his mother. She will either scream the place down, blame them both for her woes/inherent ills and or turn on the tears.

You won't know how comfortable you feel about her doing childcare until baby is here and starts to develop so don't promise anything
Tell your partner to stop her buying too much until you're ready for her to babysit

Attila - I agree that all these things are worrying and don’t sound great. But they are all also based on op’s interpretation- which may well be correct but might not be.

We don’t know for sure that she was jealous of op, maybe she is shy, or slow to trust people or op did something she didn’t like. OP says that now she does make an effort.

OP says that the ‘MIL’ is anxiety ridden so she keeps her at arms length - maybe a little kindness would help on both sides.

It’s not clear how if op’s partner has told his dm that he won’t be using ‘granddad’ so we don’t know if dm is insisting or not.

OP hasn’t told the mil that baby won’t be staying over for a long time so again we don’t know if it’s a red flag or not that she is preparing a nursery- she might think that’s what op wants!

I am sympathetic- had a deeply unpleasant MIL myself. But at the moment OP hasn’t communicated any of her ‘boundaries’ so it’s hard to interpret MILs actions.

She also barely mentions her own dp - and it’s him who should be sorting this.

I think your makn issue is the poor communication between you and you Husband . This will get worse A LOT WORSE when baby is here and your lives completely diverge. His will continue just as before and yours will be blown apart.

You will be away from work and all your friends, you will lose your social life if you have baby 24/7. Your Hisband will work 40 hours a week and you will work 168 hours a week, so you will be exhausted.

I very strongly suggest that you and your DH go to counselling NOW to help you improve your communication. Babies put a huge pressure on any relationship, even a strong one .

Once you and your Dh can communicate better, you can agree how to address the MIL issues, childcare etc . Like many PP, I suggest that your husband doenst use his mother for free childcare once he goes back to work, that’s a recipe for disaster. You also need to agree about nursery pick up / drop off / sick days and the division of housework and child are when you are both at home.

This is a case of ‘pick your battles wisely’. A lot of things can be solved by doing nothing. I expect she says things to goad you both. Probably she is articulate, so you replying or telling her anything is giving her ammunition to fire randomly at will.

Do not acknowledge the grandad request. Once the baby is born always use his name in conversation. Sign cards using his name . A good trick I find is to just look directly at her and say nothing. If you say we don’t want to call him grandad she will give reason after reason. There maybe a few awkward silences when begin and you need a lot of patience.

The same with the, retiring, the nursery and the baby sitting. Let her decorate her nursery if she wants. Smile and say it’s nice. When the baby does not go for sleepovers , she will try to guilt trip you. You have to smile, nod and say nothing.

Under no circumstances allow her to provide child care or financial assistance. Pop yourself over to Gransnet and read the posts about estrangement . Almost without exception there will be a list of things that have been done or paid for. I suspect a lots of these ‘gifts’ were not asked for or wanted. Those people never seem to take any responsibility for themselves.

I would think that both Ops and her Hs interpretation of events is correct. This is what we have to go on. they both have a poor relationship with his mother for good reason. The writing was on the wall here a long time ago and this rotten dynamic certainly predates the op.

I wish I had known how my mother in law would behave after having my baby. It was hellish. Popping round all the time. You really need your partner to be the strong one as you are going to feel more and more vulnerable towards the end of pregnancy. He needs to help set the boundaries. My husband doesn’t so I have had to be the bad guy but I no longer care.

I agree with others accept no gifts or childcare if you can as the years owed in gratitude can be too much!

Unfortunately I cannot give anyone else's depiction other than my own, and I would be here forever giving the whole story. My reason for this post is not to give me ammunition, but it's to get a range of opinions so that I can try and navigate this feeling that I have: A deep sense of unrest in my intuition.

If you feel she's awful then don't use her as childcare once or twice a week - that's just common sense.

@AmberPoet - you wrote in your first post "Another thing she keeps mentioning is putting a nursery together in her own house, I think she is expecting this child to stay over not long after it is born, which I don't feel comfortable with. Also, she keeps going on about looking after the child, which of course we are happy for her to have them once or twice a week when I'm back at work but I feel she is hoping it to be more because she is retiring for when the grandchild comes along."

In relation to her possibly putting a nursery in her house - let her. She'll spend the money and it will be wasted money. It shouldn't be any skin off your or your DH's noses if she wants to waste her money. You could both ask her instead to put a little money aside for your baby for it when it grows up instead. Get your DH to be the owner of the account perhaps?

As for looking after your baby - you and your DH need to say really clearly " we haven't yet decided on what style of childcare we'll be going with but really appreciate your very kind and generous offer. We don't think you should be deciding to retire simply because we're having a baby - you're still quite young and you might want to do things yourselves but won't be able to because you'll be tied to arrangements you agreed to. That would be very disappointing if you made the offer and then rescinded it later on. "

You (as in you and your DH) will be the parents of this child. You need to set that expectation in place now and not after your baby is born.

i don’t know, @LookItsMeAgain if you have anyone in your life like this MiL.
If I was to say that to my mother I would be sitting back and count how many sentences she would utter in response. When it got to double figures, I would be so stressed.I don’t think the op needs to keep justifying her plans to MiL.