MIL trying to get very involved now that I'm pregnant, but it's giving me anxiety.

[AmberPoet]

Hi all,

Cut a long story short, me and MIL didn't start on the best of terms as she got very jealous of me coming into my partners life. As the years have gone on, we have got a lot better, but I have kept her at an arms length distance because I don't cope very well mentally with too much exposure as she is very anxiety ridden and her partner can be quite toxic in the things he says and does.

Since I have been pregnant, she has shifted and she has started to try to get involved much more in our lives. She's very excited about becoming a nanna for the 1st time and that is lovely. But sometimes I get a bit overwhelmed by the things she says, for instance that she wants her partner to be called grandad. I don't feel that comfortable with that because my husband has never seen him as a father figure and he's never had much to do with kids so I don't believe he'll be hands on. Another thing she keeps mentioning is putting a nursery together in her own house, I think she is expecting this child to stay over not long after it is born, which I don't feel comfortable with. Also, she keeps going on about looking after the child, which of course we are happy for her to have them once or twice a week when I'm back at work but I feel she is hoping it to be more because she is retiring for when the grandchild comes along.

Don't get me wrong I understand she's excited and I want her to be a part of our child's life as I know we will all benefit. But it's a bit full on at the moment, and my anxiety is building because as a 1st time mum I want to establish our routine as a family 1st. Maybe it's the hormones, but it's all just grating on me a little too much at the moment.

I was in the same scenario, set boundaries tell her how you feel, tell your partner as he should be supporting you with it too

@Lytlethings Sorry - my suggestion was to cut back on the stress that the OP might encounter by basically getting her DH to say that the plans for childcare are not formalised yet (they may want to use a non-familial child minder or use a nursery/creche - whatever). It was meant as a way to get the MiL off their backs, not to invite further frustrations.

You will have to have a discussion, no matter how uncomfortable (but hopefully not uncomfortable at all), with MiL and basically set out your stall as to what will and more importantly what will not be happening. She is sounding like someone who just won't take no for an answer.

So you don't want her overly involved until it's time to return to work and you then want her to look after your child for free.
Instead of letting anxiety build up, habe these conversations now. My parents had everything for a baby at their house as we were there twice per week from the start. My ILs also picked a few bits up for when we were there, but they didn't try and take over. Maybe they just think it's easier then thibgs needing to be packed every time.

Very presumptuous thinking I don't want her too involved until I get free childcare. This isn't the case. She is looking to retire completely, assuming she may have them 5 days per week, but may only have our child once per week because I want our child to bond with both grandparents and to go to nursery so they get the best of every world. I'm just concerned she's getting a little too ahead of herself retiring so early. We can get by without the free childcare. I've worked hard enough not to be reliant.

My MiL remarried (was with her DH long before that) when my youngest was just a bairn but all her DGC called him "Uncle Bob".
I had expectations to look after my DGC but that soon fizzled out when the DPs made it known this wouldn't happen for some time!
Now they want them to come and stay but I'll happily go childmind but not inclined to have them at mine because the room, which was put aside, is my hobby room now.

Why do women DO this? 🤦‍♀️

Bulldozing in when there's someone else's baby on the way. Stay strong, OP and hope your DP steps up - tho we see this story play out over and over on Mumsnet.

But if he's her partner for good, then he will be a kind of grandfather figure to your baby, despite no DNA connection. He'll need to be called something - has he said what he'd like, or is it all coming from her?

My nieces thought up their own name for their grandmothers partner; they'd never known their grandad.

OP, this is all about her and what she wants.

Stop being a go between if her son doesn't answer. Stop feeling you have to explain for him.
BIG mistake.
Mute her and stop responding.
She can make all her pushy plans but just ignore her.

Your gut is warning you.
Do not get involved at all.
Do not be bullied.
Step back now.
Start as you mean to go on this.

You are having a baby that she wants to play with, thats all.
His family is toxic.
Why would you want them near your baby?

They will ruin this special time.
Back off now and mute them.
You owe them nothing, certainly not your baby.

Just have a MIL/DIL relationship. That doesn't mean you are a go between. Anything to do with your DH don't respomd with or ask her to talk to him. Be honest, frank, kind and thankful.
Concentrate on the positives and never over share.
Set boundaries early, kindly.

It is normal for grandparents to decide what they will be called. That is not over stepping boundaries. Go along with their names. MIL will likely refer to her H as Grandad. You might be able to change it slightly and say Grandad Dave.

Make one of your rules around baby - No shouting in a house with a baby. Your husband will have to get used to that one too.
Some answers for you to use ..
Thank you, it will be easy to change baby when we visit your place.
Childcare...
We have already booked a place but it will be useful to have flexability to call on you sometimes, thank you!
We'll see how baby and I feel on the first birthday, thank you.
Baby will get to know both sides of it's family, including you, thank you.
Don't commit to anything and don't over share.

Once the baby is here everyone will see how unsettled it is without it's mother and you can always go into several private rooms in your home to settle the baby. Keep a few rooms MIL free. Use the pram to set out on long lovely walks to settle baby.
It will be easier than you think to set your boundaries.