How do you make your other half take your unhappiness seriously?

[Ally190]

Hi everyone. I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 2. We have an age gap of around 28 years. We also have a 13 year old child together. Recently, I’ve been feeling so lonely and unhappy. I don’t feel like I ever get to be selfish and take care of myself. Everything I do is for work, my husband or our son. I feel like I don’t even know who I am as a person anymore, I’ve just been lost somewhere in the process of trying to keep a family together. I’ve told my husband I don’t feel valued, noticed or important. I’ve told him I miss the man he was, the one who bought me small and inexpensive gifts and spent time with me, making plans and making me a priority. Over the last couple of years he has stopped being that man. I’ve explained it to him, I’ve told him I’m pretending to be happy in the hope that eventually I will start to believe it. He replied by saying he got me new tyres for my car so things weren’t all bad. He’s the sweetest, gentlest guy in the world and honestly I never for a minute imagined I’d end up with someone as kind and genuine as he is, I’ve always been so grateful for that. But I feel lost, I feel like I’m at the bottom of the priorities list and that no matter how I explain it to him he isn’t taking it anywhere near as seriously as he should be. I don’t want to walk away, I believe he is the person I’m destined to be with. But I’m unhappy, undervalued, underappreciated and generally feeling like I don’t matter to him as much anymore. I want him to realise, I want him to try, I want him to understand how down I am feeling and how much I want back the man I fell in love with. That man treated me like I was the moon and the stars. This version of that man treats me with kindness but he doesn’t make me feel like I matter to him. He acts like I’m just something he takes for granted, he assumes I will always be there. I’ve been working on trying to be more independent over the last year because often I can’t rely on him to do things for me… but if his friends ask then he’ll do what they want and often that same day. How do I tell him I love him but he’s changed and I loved him the way he was? The way he treated me before? I heard someone say the only thing wrong with being alone is being with someone who makes you feel alone. I know he’s the one but will he only realise that emotionally I am checking out of our marriage, once it’s too late? Will it take packed bags and a rented house to make him take me seriously? I hope not because I don’t ever want to to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt, but then neither do I. Help please. Thanks if you read this far xx

That's quite an age gap, are you on the same page of how you want your lives to be just now?

Do you like reading? There is a book I could recommend Why Women Talk and Men Walk or How to Improve Your Relationship without Talking about It. Written by man-female team of family therapists so both perspectives

You’ve said it all in your OP so send him the link and tell him the ball is in his court now.

It is a big gap. I don’t know to be honest. I am the younger one but I don’t want to be out clubbing and meeting guys or living that kind of freedom. I’m done with that side of things. I’m happy to have my job and my car, my family and my house. I’m content to get fulfilment from those things but i really need to feel valued and important. I don’t know when this slow slide happened but suddenly the thoughtful gestures and kindness were gone. Replaced by him doing everything for everywhere else and expecting me to be happy to sit quietly while he does it. I want to feel important, like if I need something or ask for it he’ll do it. Instead I feel like if I ask enough eventually he’ll call me a nag and do as I’ve asked. But I’ve seen him agree to do so many things for his friends at the drop of a hat, it’s like again his priorities are clear and I am not on them. I just want him to make an effort, to be who he once was. I remember a couple of years ago he was going on holiday so left me a box of chocolates in my car with a note about how much he appreciated and would miss me. A couple of years before that he was going on holiday and wrote on our bedroom mirror that he loved me, so I didn’t forget that while he was away. He went on holiday last week and told me he had done the laundry and made the bed before he left. I appreciated it but the comparison from how he used to treat me seemed so clear at that point. He doesn’t make any effort for me, he seems to see my continual presence as proof that I won’t leave and he therefore doesn’t need to make an effort. I am terrified that I will keep feeling this lonely and unhappy and that by the time he realises I want out of our marriage (at the moment I don’t want out of my marriage, i want my husband to show me love and affection and effort) my heart will be closed to him and then he’ll pull out all the stops to keep me, but none of it will be enough. Does that make sense?

You really can't. If he's been like this for years, ever since the honeymoon period ended, he's really not going to change. He knows you're unhappy, he just doesn't care.

I'm sorry.💐

So it's been ever since you tied the knot, basically?

That's an insane age gap.

Leave him and enjoy your life.

I think that’s probably true yes. For the wedding he organised most of it and he made an incredible day/week for us both. I can’t fault him for that effort because he really did it and I was so happy. I just think there’s been a clear change since around that time. I sometimes wonder if because i came from a shitty family and was so desperate to get married and be loved that I focused on getting him to marry me, terrified he would change his mind and I would again be alone. I thought he was the answer to everything and I’d have a marriage so different to my parents. It is incredibly different to my parents, he isn’t like my dad and I’m not like my mum. But the loneliness and unhappiness is present in both marriages.

I don't think the age gap is necessarily the problem. My friend is married to someone with exactly this age gap and the have the most loving, kind and considerate relationship.

How old were you when you met him? I'm guessing pretty young. Maybe you've just grown apart? He is slowing down but you still have plenty to give?

I’m looking at it from another angle.

You’ve been together a long time. You have a child. Those romantic gestures of notes and chocolates don’t last, but in your case they’ve changed into something else that I think it actually nicer. Changing your tyres, doing the laundry before he leaves for a holiday - those things still show that he is considerate of you. The laundry is a household chore fair enough, but seeing that you needed new tyres and doing it for you? I’d take that over a box of chocolates any day.

True, but what I think the OP wants is not just to feel cared about as a friend. She wants to feel like her husband is in love with her and values her personality.

Sometimes men prefer doing a task rather than actually spending quality time with their partner because they can do those tasks alone, don't have to spend quality time with their partner, and don't have to fake their feelings when they're around them. Then, they shut them up by saying 'Look what I do for you!' when they know full well that what their partner wants and is missing is emotional connection.

I am trying to look at it from another angle... Do you make him feel appreciated? Do you do nice things for him?

Yes, he’s told me things years ago which didn’t make him feel appreciated and I’ve changed all those behaviours to accommodate him and he has agreed with this. I pay most of our bills because he doesn’t get much work at the moment (not his fault). I support him with our son who seems to rail against his dad, I always take my husbands side. He spends every Sunday in his garage with his friends (his hobby) and I never complain about this. I book holidays for him, pack his bags for a holiday. I answer his phone and speak to his customers for him. I do some shopping to save his money because he doesn’t have a huge amount of it. I run him a bath when he wants it and make him dinner even if he won’t be home until late. I think so.

I was 19 when we met, he was 48. I don’t know, I never considered that the age difference could be an issue.

Earthquote you are spot on!

Earthsight you are spot on!

He's now 61? You're now 33?.

I totally understand your point of view and the things he does are important. The laundry and the tyres are all so helpful and necessary but realistically, these are all things which i could be paying someone to do for me. But making me feel loved, appreciated, seen, heard. Having someone show me unconditional support and making an effort to show me I am important and valued, those are the things a partner should do. Those are the things I need from him.

Yes that’s correct

I don’t mean to place judgement on aspects of your relationship you haven’t asked advice on, but I am confused at the idea that he seems to go on holiday regularly without you, and yet he doesn’t have enough money to do his own shopping. Do you get to go on holiday? Who pays for the holidays? And whose laundry is he doing that he seems to think is doing you a favour?

I don’t know long term but short term, it sounds like you could do with a few days away for some me time away from all the usual demands. Could you go somewhere nice or have a city shopping break or go away with a friend for a spa thing for example? A bit of distance can be useful also for assessing things.

My dd is your age. My dh is your dhs age. There is a huge difference in energy levels, expectations etc. He is too old for you..l'm sorry. And he is living off you as well! It's all very unevenly balanced. Try and make your own life. Take up exercise, hobbies, friends and maybe as you gain more independence he might be shocked back to paying you attention. Unfortunately the more we seek something the harder it is for the other person to respond which isn't fair, l know. Build your own life up.

No I totally understand it would come across as weird. He goes on holiday once a year with our son, for a week. I’ve always encouraged their father and son time, I think it’s healthy. Also because I work in the care sector I can rarely get the October break off which is when they go. It’s become a tradition they book look forward to and again one I encourage. I do go on holiday fairly often although I pay for the majority of our holidays. He does the laundry for me, him and our son. The laundry does help me out and I’m abit useless with it so I appreciate the help but again it’s just not enough.

That’s the thing it’s been a while since I’ve done anything for myself, always seems to be something else that needs my time or money and I prioritise that first. Definetly sounds like a good idea though, some space is likely to be a good thing.