How do you make your other half take your unhappiness seriously?

[Ally190]

Hi everyone. I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 2. We have an age gap of around 28 years. We also have a 13 year old child together. Recently, I’ve been feeling so lonely and unhappy. I don’t feel like I ever get to be selfish and take care of myself. Everything I do is for work, my husband or our son. I feel like I don’t even know who I am as a person anymore, I’ve just been lost somewhere in the process of trying to keep a family together. I’ve told my husband I don’t feel valued, noticed or important. I’ve told him I miss the man he was, the one who bought me small and inexpensive gifts and spent time with me, making plans and making me a priority. Over the last couple of years he has stopped being that man. I’ve explained it to him, I’ve told him I’m pretending to be happy in the hope that eventually I will start to believe it. He replied by saying he got me new tyres for my car so things weren’t all bad. He’s the sweetest, gentlest guy in the world and honestly I never for a minute imagined I’d end up with someone as kind and genuine as he is, I’ve always been so grateful for that. But I feel lost, I feel like I’m at the bottom of the priorities list and that no matter how I explain it to him he isn’t taking it anywhere near as seriously as he should be. I don’t want to walk away, I believe he is the person I’m destined to be with. But I’m unhappy, undervalued, underappreciated and generally feeling like I don’t matter to him as much anymore. I want him to realise, I want him to try, I want him to understand how down I am feeling and how much I want back the man I fell in love with. That man treated me like I was the moon and the stars. This version of that man treats me with kindness but he doesn’t make me feel like I matter to him. He acts like I’m just something he takes for granted, he assumes I will always be there. I’ve been working on trying to be more independent over the last year because often I can’t rely on him to do things for me… but if his friends ask then he’ll do what they want and often that same day. How do I tell him I love him but he’s changed and I loved him the way he was? The way he treated me before? I heard someone say the only thing wrong with being alone is being with someone who makes you feel alone. I know he’s the one but will he only realise that emotionally I am checking out of our marriage, once it’s too late? Will it take packed bags and a rented house to make him take me seriously? I hope not because I don’t ever want to to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt, but then neither do I. Help please. Thanks if you read this far xx

OP, honest question, how would you feel if in 6 years time your 13 year old son got a 48 year old partner and then had a child with them?

This is the exact point I was going to make. You slated him for just doing practical tasks for you to show appreciation but all you’ve listed is pretty much the exact same thing. I get you though as my relationship is the same but it’s because life is so busy and centres around life and family matters and chores etc. you lose sight of each other. I only have so much to give and practical offerings seem easier to show appreciation than trying to show appreciation in other ways when basically I’m knackered and have nothing left to give. To feel good in your relationship you need to feel good in yourself. Just stop and think what you would like to do for one night, cook a nice dinner together and have a wind down with some treats with your feet up and try to reconnect. Easier said than done I know as life gets in the way (I’ve got a toddler) maybe focus on a specific event and organise something special - bonfire night together at home or something .

Hey, I was gonna say the same thing. I'm sorry, OP, but the age difference between your DH and DD is a lot. He's way older, and I'm looking at my two , hibby and daught right now and feeling horrified. It's mean of me to say that, but you sound young and naive. If you were my daughter, I'd be devastated.

So, you had a tough upbringing, left home young, and fell for the first father figure who showed you some affection and mistook it for love. You need to love and value yourself. Take some time out. The things he does for you aren't big gestures; they're everyday things that need to be done. You work, so I guess he's the one at home. You both need to run the household as a couple. I bet he loves to brag about what he's done for you. You sound like a lovely and considerate person, by the way. He knows he's got a good thing without even trying. We don't know who we are at 19, but we do at 28 or 29.
I am sorry but you asked for advice and mine would be to start again you amd your son and you go on the holidays you pay for , it sounds very selfish on his part , taking advantage of a good soul.

This is not an equal partnership

You appear to be his maid/PA and paying for the privilege

Crikey OP, you're by the sounds of it working full time caring for others (I'm guessing social work?) , keeping your house running and trying to support your son. Meanwhile your dh works sporadically and 'helps out' with laundry. This isn't an equal partnership in any way and you'll burn yourself out if you keep going.

Op, have you ever had your needs properly met or do you always feel like you need to keep everyone else happy?

I imagine there's always been an incredible imbalance in your relationship and your husband likely manipulated you into a relationship with him, that kind of age gap is pretty unusual for good reason.
A shocking age gap in my opinion.

I think therapy would be a very good step for you. Do you have any friends? Do you socialise separately from your son or husband? Would you be allowed to? Because I think you should. There's a whole world out there and it sounds like your husband has imprisoned you into domestic service rather than a relationship/marriage

This. Your husband doesn’t sound at all like a nice individual, but your childhood meant you are unable to see it.

I don’t need to. After 35 years together, he usually realises before I do and knows how to mitigate.

Tbh, after being together as long as you have, I’m surprised yours doesn’t.

This was never going to end well, he was at his peak when you met and it was always going to be downhill from there. You can't ignore the elephant in the room

You are not at all unreasonable to want to be valued by your partner. But as you talk about wanting to increase your independence, I want to say that you need to stop thinking the other person in a relationship is responsible for your happiness. It's what very young children feel about their parents, which is why our toddlers rage against us. Why are we not solving all their problems, however unreasonable? Then when they grow up secure, they separate and develop independence and can meet their own needs. You are responsible for your happiness. You are in three common life stages that cause lots of people problems - approaching middle age, empty nest, and the age gap becoming more significant. Ouch, anyone would struggle with any one of those, and wonder what their identity is any more. So I say go forward in finding your own identity within this relationship and also outside it. Take responsibility for saying what you won't put up with - but you can't force him to respond, you can only stay or go. Be powerful, vulnerable, responsible, but not a victim, not attacking, not a martyr.