How do you make your other half take your unhappiness seriously?

[Ally190]

Hi everyone. I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 2. We have an age gap of around 28 years. We also have a 13 year old child together. Recently, I’ve been feeling so lonely and unhappy. I don’t feel like I ever get to be selfish and take care of myself. Everything I do is for work, my husband or our son. I feel like I don’t even know who I am as a person anymore, I’ve just been lost somewhere in the process of trying to keep a family together. I’ve told my husband I don’t feel valued, noticed or important. I’ve told him I miss the man he was, the one who bought me small and inexpensive gifts and spent time with me, making plans and making me a priority. Over the last couple of years he has stopped being that man. I’ve explained it to him, I’ve told him I’m pretending to be happy in the hope that eventually I will start to believe it. He replied by saying he got me new tyres for my car so things weren’t all bad. He’s the sweetest, gentlest guy in the world and honestly I never for a minute imagined I’d end up with someone as kind and genuine as he is, I’ve always been so grateful for that. But I feel lost, I feel like I’m at the bottom of the priorities list and that no matter how I explain it to him he isn’t taking it anywhere near as seriously as he should be. I don’t want to walk away, I believe he is the person I’m destined to be with. But I’m unhappy, undervalued, underappreciated and generally feeling like I don’t matter to him as much anymore. I want him to realise, I want him to try, I want him to understand how down I am feeling and how much I want back the man I fell in love with. That man treated me like I was the moon and the stars. This version of that man treats me with kindness but he doesn’t make me feel like I matter to him. He acts like I’m just something he takes for granted, he assumes I will always be there. I’ve been working on trying to be more independent over the last year because often I can’t rely on him to do things for me… but if his friends ask then he’ll do what they want and often that same day. How do I tell him I love him but he’s changed and I loved him the way he was? The way he treated me before? I heard someone say the only thing wrong with being alone is being with someone who makes you feel alone. I know he’s the one but will he only realise that emotionally I am checking out of our marriage, once it’s too late? Will it take packed bags and a rented house to make him take me seriously? I hope not because I don’t ever want to to hurt him. He doesn’t deserve to be hurt, but then neither do I. Help please. Thanks if you read this far xx

How can anyone say the age difference isn't an issue, I'm sorry but 19 and 48, that's perverted. He probably thought he'd won the lottery. OP you're young!!!!! Leave him. You have a lot of life ahead of you. Your 30s are a wonderful time!!!!!!

Sorry but just get out.

Wow! I'm not sure he's going to be of a flexible and adaptable mindset at that age, to really change how you would like him to.

Good. And you can’t guarantee this, so don’t do it for this reason, but your mini absence may give him pause for thought.
But do it for yourself, go enjoy something that’s just for you.

I don't understand why you can't do anything for yourself? Your son is 13 so doesnt need all your time, and it doesn't sound like your husband is super busy. Why can't you find things for yourself. It feels like you've been relying on this much older man to make yourself feel special.

Our son is 13 but pretty sheltered and immature. He’s been acting out and in lots of trouble recently including setting fires (fire brigade were involved) and stealing (police were involved). So he can’t be trusted to be home alone, meaning I can’t go and do things I want to do for myself. My husband has a car hobby which takes some time, he helps friends a lot and he is self employed so although there isn’t a lot of work it can involve him travelling for a few hours just to earn a small amount of money, but he has to take the work when it is there. I also work in management in the care sector, it is not a 9-5 job although on paper it is. I am spreading myself pretty thin on the ground, meaning I get forgotten about in the process.

Why do you always take your DH's side against your son?

A 48 year old man getting together with a 19 year old is so wrong.

Our son is going off the rails and for some reason he seems to find it easier to argue back against his dad rather than me. I don’t know if it’s just a boy thing, masculinity or whatever I don’t know. I think saying it’s so wrong is unfair. 19 is an adult, I had my own house and a job and some dating experience under my belt before I decided to be with him.

I’d concentrate on arranging things you like to do on your own or with friends or family. I try not to make your life all about what your DH does or doesn’t do.

This is always a terrible idea I don't know why people suggest showing someone they've been talking about them on the Internet. My husband would be furious.

It’s a massive age gap. He will be elderly when you are in your early 50s. Unless he is wealthy, you are getting the rough end of the deal.

It seems that you have much bigger things to worry about than chocolates and sweet gestures. The whole dynamic is unhealthy - 19 and 48, and now your son is struggling. No idea what the answer is but the two of you need to focus on supporting your son.

None of these things are romantic though and it sounds like what you want really is romance - buying little gifts, organising the romantic wedding. I think romance often does slide over time.

Maybe that's what you need to discuss with him as perhaps he thinks he is being supportive and appreciative by doing the laundry and whatever - but what you actually want is romance.

Maybe you could plan something romantic together?

Op, you are so young. Why are you wasting the only life you have with a 60 year old man? He is only going to get older and more selfish and likely sick in some way. You will be his carer. Is that really what you want?

The age difference makes me feel a bit sick if I'm honest. Having your own house and dating a few boys by 19 doesn't make this ok.

We do support our son. Our son has been experiencing issues with bullying at school, difficulties making friends etc. This has not been caused by his dad and I’s age gap.

Yes that’s a very valid point. I am maybe wanting something which neither of us are receiving. I’ll give that some thought and I really appreciate you taking the time to reach out x

He is not wealthy no. He was when we first met (although that was not part of the attraction) but he is not now. I love him though so it doesn’t feel like the rough end of the deal, he feels like my best friend and my partner. I just need to get across to him how lonely and neglected I’m feeling at the moment.

I wasn't criticising you about getting together with your DH when you were 19 - i was criticising him.

I’ve worked in care since I left high school, I was always aware being his carer in the future was a possibility and no it’s not something I relish the thought of, but people my age get sick, have accidents etc and need their partners to take care of them. I said in sickness and in health and I meant that, then and now. I love him, it doesn’t feel like a waste of my life. I just wish I knew how to get through to him so we can improve on the areas which aren’t working. As for the age gap I can’t comment, you are entitled to feel how you feel. That’s the risk you take when you post your private life on the internet haha

An almost 50 year old man love bombing a girl still in her teens is deeply wrong. I really think you should look at some counselling for yourself.

Couples therapy

start prioritising yourself sometimes

find your own fulfilling hobbies

go on some weekend adventures with friends, have time apart

introduce date night each week.

its very wary to lose yourself and each other when juggling kids and work and household running

Why? We met and fell in love. I was his first younger girlfriend, it wasn’t a pattern of behaviour he was in. We loved each other and still do, you can’t help how you feel about someone. I appreciate the suggestion of counselling and couples counselling might be beneficial but counselling because I married someone older is not needed. I am not a victim because I am younger.

Absolutely. I think that’s great advice and a really good place to start. Thank you for reaching out x

Would you have concerns if in 6 years time your 19 year old son is dating at 48 year old woman?

You say you had a shitty family, which makes we wonder if he is really as lovely as you think? Not saying he's awful, not commenting on the age gap or anything, but maybe at base you had pretty low expectations of a relationship, sort of 'as long as it's not like my parents'?

But I may be wrong @BlackToes suggestions sound good but he needs to accept this all needs some work and he needs to give you not just more 'stuff' but actual time and emotional attention, you're not a household object.

How do you know you were his first younger girlfriend? Because he told you?

You had literally been a schoolchild less than 3 years before dating, and that's if you left at GCSE.

Think of it this way. How would you feel if one of your friends (your age) started dating your son in 3 years when it was legal? Ok, you say he's young for his age. Let's say it is just a romantic but non sexual relationship. And let's say it's actually your friend's mum, because that is closer to the age husband was when you met.

You were only 3 years older than that. Maybe the most streetwise 19 yo in the world but still 19. The man was seeing you in between meetings with his pension advisor.