If you felt strongly that you would leave or stay if you husband cheated, what did you do in reality when he did?

[BirthdayRainbow]

So many posters are adamant they'd leave. I wonder if they did.

I wonder if they thought they'd stay but left anyway.

I am not sure I thought too much about it but I suspect I thought I'd stay if he did.

He did. I stayed. Divorced 9 years later for something different. Happy with my decisions.

This is for a discussion, not judgement on anyone.

With my first child father. He cheated I begged pleaded and played pick me for a long time. Because I didn't want a "broken" family. I destroyed myself in the process. Alot of therapy later and I understand why I did.

I'm married now more kids, house, shared finances family etc. I love my husband in ways I didn't even know was possible.

If he cheated I would divorce. For the simple fact I know I couldn't make peace with and let it go. Nothing he would could change that so there would be nothing to save. It would turn into something truly toxic and I wouldn't open myself up to that again.

I wouldn't fear being a single mother again I know I would cope and be happier long term.

I think it would depend on the circumstances . A silly drunken one might stand or a snog and a grope , possibly. A full on affair where lies were told and money was spent on the O/W possibly not . An affair with a friend or relative then I don't think I could get past that .

I always said I'd leave if infidelity was involved. He had an emotional affair. I left.

It was the tip of the shitty marriage iceberg to be fair so my ducks had been in nice little row for a while. It was just the final straw. But for other people's situations it isn't as clear cut and getting ready to leave took me years of being the boiled frog. I was actually thankful he did get involved with the OW in the end as it gave me the push and a concrete reason to GTFO. The marriage was never quite bad enough to leave, but after that it was never good enough to stay.

I hadn’t really thought about it as a possibility in advance. But I got some suspicions that my H was up to something, while on a family holiday, just before we arrived home. In the day we got home I did a bit more digging and confirmed my suspicions. That evening I told him to leave and that was that. Oddly, I didn’t feel as though I was “deciding” anything, it was just obviously what I had to do, like I had no choice. Perhaps I went into shocked auto-pilot.

After we separated I found out he’d had various other affairs over the previous decade. It was so traumatic, a kind of out-of-body experience for about six months.

But truly and honestly I am so happy I did it, and so much better without him, five years on.

I kicked him out.

I discovered it on the Friday. We had been due to go to a party at some friends' on the Saturday. He suggested he still came to that for 'appearances'.

I said no chance and he'd have to get used to living with what he'd done, that the children and I were going to the party and I wanted him gone by the time we got back.

We went to the party and I made sure we all had a good time (I was in shock really). He spent an evening crying and packing his bags on his own.

I stayed. Then ended things 3 years later. Wish I had ended things in the first place but in hindsight it took those three years to find myself again.

I'm not the type of person that can forgive & forget that. I could forgive it, tho it would ruin me in the end.

So I know I'd have to leave.

I always thought I'd leave but l didn't

Found out about his affair. Confronted him. He said our marriage is over. I did ask him a few times to work things out. He refused. They are still together and now married 7 years later.

Truthfully our marriage had been over for years but there was no reason - until he met OW - for either of us to split. Financially we were well off, we both had our separate social lives, no abuse, children were loved and cared for by us both..... and l wanted him to stay for those reasons....not because l actually loved or even liked him as a person anymore.

Once l realised that financially l could cope without him (he was a high earner, l was on a very PT wage then)... l very happily waved him off.

I stayed initially with my first DH. We got together very young at 17 & we separated at 27, divorced at 28. Over the years I’ve tried to analyse why I stayed as I was financially independent & had no children. He was abusive in many ways. Nearly 30 years later I think I was conditioned to stay. By him, by friends & family. Turns out he’d cheated multiple times as he decided I needed to know the “truth “ towards the end. I was so miserable in the relationship I eventually realised nothing could be worse than staying together. Turns out I was right. The moment he walked out the door, I felt relief and knew from day one I’d never take him back. I moved and haven’t seen him for over 25 years. I can’t forgive him (it wasn’t just cheating) but for me, I reached a better place almost immediately, which was indifference. I had a fabulous time after he left living my best life & now have a DH & two DS’s. He isn’t even worth a tiny piece of headspace

Found out about husbands long term emotional affair a couple of years ago . Affair was 20 plus years ago but still affected me really badly ( felt like I had lived a lie all my marriage and went through all the same emotions same as everyone describes who has been betrayed in this way) , I stayed but wish I hadn't .I have actually recovered from affair ( sometimes have tiny niggles about it ) but he didn't treat me or our relationship the way he should have afterwards and that is what changed my mind . I know if he had shown me determination, kindness and whatever else I needed to heel I would feel differently . Also have to add that we do have other problems but for me him not doing everything in his power to heal our relationship was the catalyst for things changing .Tbh still don't know what will happen with us . I think it's a very individual thing and only the people in the relationship know what's best but ....for it to recover the BETRAYER HAS to put in the work .

I agree @WishIcouldfindausername . I feel I did more to get us back and he was the one who cheated! While I stayed for years the minute he walked out after I said I wanted a trial separation I felt relieved, I expected to need him back within a few days. Never happened. Divorced now.

I was there for mental illness, I was there for false accusations and character assassinations that were the opposite of who I am and how I think, I was there for his porn habit and erosion of my self esteem with humiliating sex and sexual rejection. I was there when he’d go cold on me for weeks at a time. I was there every time he decided the relationship wasn’t for him and tried to project his own behaviours onto me. I didn’t glance at another man, my life revolved around him, and making him happy. Nothing made me stop loving him or having compassion for him with all his struggles and mistreatment of me.

when I found evidence of his cheating, I walked away, and never touched him again.

I also knew that I would leave if he ever cheated. Firstly because it would show us to have vastly different moral standards, secondly the deep love I felt for him meant he definitely didn’t feel the same for me if he could shag someone, and also lie about it. Thirdly and most importantly, the anger and bitterness I knew I would feel plus the insecurity would be no good for either of us moving forward. It was his decision, he left me the moment he started something with someone else. Me leaving while he begged for me not to, doesn’t mean I was the one that ended the relationship- I just saw the reality of it, and knew that to continue would be to delude myself and set myself up for a toxic future.

One of my best friends- she knows. They have four kids (two adults daughters, still at home, not his) and they have two older teens at college. The public face is that they’re a wonderful family. I know from her (she has solid proof) that he’s had affair after affair with young women at work. One even lasted four years. He would face time his bit on the side whilst my friend lay in bed listening (during lockdown - he was even going in to work to shag her apparently).

They pretend all is perfect but when I see her alone she looks haggard. My beautiful friend is a shell of herself. Everyone thinks he’s wonderful and I know what an absolute bast@rd he really is.

She won’t leave as she’s a SAHM. He’s on over 150k. She values her financial comforts over her mental comforts. All I can do is support her and wait for the next time he does is. Because he will - he’s had at least four or five affairs that she knows about.

As soon as he told me he had cheated I literally threw him out of the door. Pushed him out and slammed it in his face. I have no regrets, but the whole experience really broke me. I'm not the same person now, the divorce really changed me. But I am much stronger and resilient because of it.

He had a drunken Christmas snog with someone. I left, he made his vows and broke them as far as I was concerned. I’m worth more than him having a drunken snog, his loss. 23 years later he still regrets that night, his remorse isn’t my problem.

I don't know how people stay. It would eat me alive anytime they left the house or where on their phone.

Chested on twice. Left as soon as I found out.

She should plan prepare and get her ducks in a row ( photographing paperwork ) for when she leaves him .

Always always said cheating was a deal breaker no way would I stay but 22 years, two children, a life, new area, no friends or family I tried to save my marriage. He didn’t want to save it so we divorced. I am happily married to someone else but my heart still breaks for how he treated our children and the effect on their lives.

i stayed (as did she, later).

we're better than ever 10+ years after.

we met when we were 17, she had an incredibly distorted view of what an adult relationship should look and feel like (thanks PILs), and was incredibly damaged by the model she had, desperate for the validation she never felt she got from MIL (and the validation from me didn't count, as i was "supposed" to love her).

we stayed together for the children initially, then i had an EA. not for revenge, but an extremely immature and selfish response to feeling i deserved some of the love and support i'd always worked hard to give her.

after that, we both talked about what we wanted for our futures, and both agreed that we still loved each other. we committed together to make our marriage the best it could be, and to give our DCs a healthy example to follow. this has worked very well for us so far!

i'm conscious that our DCs are getting older, and i understand it's possible once they all fly the nest things may be different, but at present we're still happy with our choices, and remain actively committed to them.

she has done a huge amount of work on herself, and has changed so much from the person she was in her 20s. she has much higher self-worth as a result of her career, and other activities she's involved in, so is no longer so desperate for validation from MIL.

if things don't work out for us longer term, i'm happy with the choices i've made, and will have no regrets.

I wish she would. I know she enjoys their standard of living but I really wish she’d see that there’s more than that in life. She thinks when he’s out with work he’s doing it again…. I can’t fathom how she copes. But I love her and I’ll support her and be there for her. My ex had an affair and I was clear I couldn’t stay in that relationship. Her first husband was unfaithful and had a baby when her second was just a newborn. She’s thoughtful and kind and a wonderful woman and mum. It makes me feel so sad. He acts really quiet and behaves generously and thinks no one will notice his behaviour. I know it’s awful of me but sometime I wish he would just go and leave her in peace.

I stayed my oh left me sitting on a coach in friends house and jumped up to talk to my best friends in hall while I sat alone.... in our twenties before marriage but engaged living together.
Next day I asked him about it and he played down. I felt I was reading into nothing!
When our one of our kids age 5 he went to cinema to see a Christmas carol( a film I always loved that I can't watch anymore) with a lady he apparently met at a work meeting that day!!?? More to story but I let it go as was shocked and had young child.
Five years ago he went to nice restaurant where we had been together and said he was working. When I confronted him he said things that davastated me. After 30 years he didn't want me anymore but five years on still together. He still has contact with this lady so I'm just never secure but just suck it up,
he also was in two towns different to where he said but I never ask him as it will blow up that I'm checking up him.
He watches porn when I out but never initiates sex for along time. I have lost alot of weight but still not initiating tired etc but watches porn so I've stayed but feel sad.
We are happy alot of the time but I don't feel our relationship special anymore. We love each other but I feel more like best mates. I am really attracted to him but I think the attraction he had to me long gone. Not sure why as make an effort but its not there anymore on his part. I can't remember the last time someone looked at me with desire.

I don’t think I’ve been cheated on but how can I know. Absolute deal breaker for me though, no matter how happy I was, how many kids, how skint I would be. The end for me.

At first I thought we could work through it but when I found who the OW was I knew it was over. (I had been close friends with her for years).

With the benefit of time and hindsight I realise she wasn't his first OW. I was naive and thought we were soul mates. It was certainly me who was the last to know.

I thought it would never happen to me or that I would stay, but I did stay. Lots of reasons too many to go into here. I am 16 years on from the affair and though we had a few really horrible years, I am glad I stayed. We worked on our marriage together and are really happy now. I would say I am even happy about the affair. It woke us both up and we are happier after the affair than before. Controversial I am sure…