If you felt strongly that you would leave or stay if you husband cheated, what did you do in reality when he did?

[BirthdayRainbow]

So many posters are adamant they'd leave. I wonder if they did.

I wonder if they thought they'd stay but left anyway.

I am not sure I thought too much about it but I suspect I thought I'd stay if he did.

He did. I stayed. Divorced 9 years later for something different. Happy with my decisions.

This is for a discussion, not judgement on anyone.

Two things I said I’d never tolerate is cheating and lies. My ex partner did both and I was gone immediately.

If it’s a deal breaker than there’s no ambiguity imo.

A friend decided to take her dh back.
That was 12 years ago and they seem very happy.

I left. It wasn't an easy decision, but it was the only one I could ultimately live with.

I stayed with my ex-husband for a year after I found out he cheated, but that was partly due to covid.

I found further evidence that he had tried to cheat at other times in our relationship without success, so that caused me to finally end it.

To be honest by that point I had fallen out of love with him anyway as I couldn't get over the betrayal. It was a very lonely, difficult year.

In my case he was messaging other women behind my back but nothing in real life. I kicked him out for a while then we tried again with marriage counselling. He broke my trust a further time and now we're getting divorced.

If its a one off you think you can get past and the right actions are there from the person who cheated to support you to get past it and ensure it never happens again then I think it'd worth a try. If those things aren't happening or you just can't emotionally move on from it then I think it's good for children to see that you expect better for yourself.

I had proof, confronted him, he denied.
Stayed for a while because I felt I owed it to the children to have tried to hold everything together.
Realised marriage was dead pretty quickly so got all my ducks in a row, consulted a solicitor and left.
Best thing I ever did.

I left. I don't think I'd necessarily considered it before, as I tended to assume most people were decent and would end one relationship before starting another.

When I discovered DH didn't apparently share the same moral compass as me then I left. And filed for divorce on the grounds of adultery (in the days when you could do so).

It's so complex as everyone on this thread already has had a different experience. I've thought about this a lot and just got sick of yet again reading another thread where women were kicking another when she was down, sneering at how she'll probably stay and annoyed she's not left in seconds.

My dc know and are grateful I stayed but 100% supportive that I've left now.

I left. I knew I'd always leave in this instance as my boundaries are set in stone. The moment he had broken that boundary he was not a person I could ever trust again. I grieved for the idea of him I had, but he was not who I had believed he was. I was angry at the lost years. The waste of my life and my time and my heart. The betrayal cut me incredibly deeply, far more than I had thought possible - that was the surprise for me. I knew I'd leave and thought I'd do so with head held high, and get on with life. In truth I fell apart and remain, if not broken, but certainly forever changed by the experience.

I left. It's a hard line for me, I couldn't be with someone I couldn't trust.

It absolutely shattered my heart though. It took me years to get past it tbh.

I always thought I would leave, i wasen't forcing him to stay married.
I stayed. 19 month since I had proof. It was an emotional affair with regular facetime mastibating.
We have a new relationship everything is 50/50 before it was me doing everything, I will never fully trust him.

But I do love him, I don't want to start again. He is trying everyday to be better and does seem truly remorseful.

I was/am still devastated and it's hard not to dwell, I have made sure her lovely Christian mother found out (I have mixed feelings on this it was a shitty thing to do but she did seem to get away with the cheating & her husband still dosent know. Although if he ever goes into his twitter account he will soon find out)

I have some happiness and a lot of being a numb robot pretending to be OK. Who knows that could have happened anyway but I will never know.

People who cheat when they could have left the marrage are arseholes.

I was one of those people who thought it would never happen to me because my husband wasn't "the type". Now I believe no one is the type. Anyone can do something selfish if the circumstances are right. Just like all those selfish arses taking all the toilet roll in Covid. Good people do bad shit!

I left.

Another whose husband "wasn't the type". Got caught out with a school mum from the kids school by one of the other mums who told me she'd seen them on a couple of occasions right before Christmas.

Managed to keep it to myself until the first weekend of January to make sure the kids didn't suffer more than necessary, in the meantime gathering information myself and screenshots of his location (meeting up with her when he was supposedly somewhere else).

Packed some of his stuff up and messaged him that I knew where he was and to get his stuff off the doorstep and not come back.

They both denied it (she was married too) but funnily enough they came out as a couple 3 months later and are still together 4 years later!

Always said cheating would be it for me and I meant it.

When reading womens experience with cheating spouses, what I find really sad is the reasons behind them staying.

Most women agonise over the impact on their children and worry about "breaking up the family" - even though they did nothing wrong! They sacrifice their happiness and sometimes their sanity, to hold onto a dead relationship for everyone else's sake.

Yet these men are out there, shagging outside the marriage, obviously not caring about the damage they are creating in a life they've built and potentially ruining their children's lives. Astonishing.

In theory, I believe there isn’t a black and white answer to this as context is everything. And I think people cheat for so many reasons; usually related to how they feel about themselves at the time, and it’s often not related to how much they love their partner or spouse.

In practice though, I would have to leave as I just wouldn’t have the necessary self esteem to apply more objective reasoning to our relationship, and even if I could forgive him, I would keep returning to the situation and keep thinking I wasn’t good enough and it would play on my mind.

I have always said I'd leave. I still believe that as I know that I would never be able to trust him. But I'm old and wise enough now to realise it wouldn't be as simple as I thought when I first made this statement. And that it's not as simple for many women in this situation.

Separated the day I found out. Now divorced

I felt strongly that I would leave and when he cheated I did. Very happily remarried.

Not me personally but my parents- my mum has had multiple affairs, some throughout our childhood and one more recently- my dad worships the ground she walks on and has taken her back every single time.

Watching what that has done to my dad, and knowing what it was like to live through that for me and my sister, I know I would leave if my husband cheated.

I don’t blame my dad, I believe he thought he was doing the best thing for me and my sister by staying, but the reality is it has had an impact and I want to know that if my daughter has an arsehole boyfriend when she’s older I can, with absolute conviction, tell her that ISN’T what love looks like and to walk away.

I always said I'd leave if he cheated. He cheated when I was pregnant, I stayed and we went to counselling. He cheated again a few months later and left for the OW.

Am now with my wonderful DP, who was also cheated on and stayed, (his ExW left him for one of the OM) and we've both said that never again would we stay if the other cheated.

I would leave.
I'll be honest I struggle to get past the 7 year itch myself (not that I would cheat, but I definitely start losing interest in my partner at the time) so I'm probably not a person who would stick it out with one person forever anyway and probably would expect any relationship to finish at some point.

But monogamy is a basic requirement if you want a relationship with me. No if's, no buts.

Two very young children and ambiguous whether anything physical happened, I stayed. Huge mistake. He was unfaithful on an epic scale, destroyed my mental health. I am now 49 and alone.

I was always one who said it would be over, that no one should stay.
Then my husband had a brief affair.
I stayed and don't regret it.

Staying is not an easy option but was right for me.

Thought I would 100% leave.
He had a lengthy affair after 10 years of marriage when I was pregnant.
Split up for a bit. Had sperate therapy. Got together again.
This was over 11 years ago. All good now and tbh only remember it when I see threads like this. No regrets on my behalf. My biggest issue when getting I've over it all was letting go of my preconceptions that if we stayed together I was somehow weak or a doormat- I had to take a break from mumsnet for a bit(!).