Should I be concerned?

[whatadaygirlie]

I've been dating a man for a few months now. He's very lovely and caring. He's in his 40s. I'm in my late 30s.
My only issue is that he does not make an effort to groom himself. For example, he won't shave routinely, doesn't dress like a grown/ professional man, can be quite disorganised - no wallet, no watch, no calendar to organise his schedule so he just runs from pillar to post and forgets stuff.
My whole life I've been a well dressed lady and have been attracted to men alike. I've asked him to make an effort to present well as I need this to keep my spark but I was met with feedback that i was trying to change him. This hurts as I can see my physical attraction to him going down. I'm not turned on by men who do the scruffy look. I'm just not.
After torturous years of OLD, I'm just glad to have met someone nice. Should I just be grateful or should I be worried that it won't get better from here and perhaps these are signs of bigger problems to come?

I would bin off this particular individual and besides which you and he are fundamentally incompatible.

He is already showing you who he is and you do not need a project.

Don’t start a relationship hoping that you can change somebody into what you’d prefer them to be. This is who he is, if that’s not for you then the relationship isn’t going to work out. Rather than make both of you irritated and miserable by carrying on and nitpicking, end things and you can each find somebody you’re happier with.

Not worth the effort. He will probably dump you soon too if you carry on trying to get him to change. If you are not as attracted to him already it’s not going to work so you might as well bring it to an end. OLD is crap and this is why you are probably settling for someone incompatible as the lack of choice is dire.

This is the package, never date potential, what you have is what ya got. They do not change.

What you see now is who he actually is. You don't like what you see so time to move on.

I don't blame you either.

oh dear. Your partner is not, and never will be, responsible for you keeping your “spark.”
that is … I don’t have words for how awful that is.

let him go, so he can find someone who sees him as a person, not a prop …

I'm very sad!
I certainly did not want to change him. I approached him from a place of 'darling I'd appreciate if you made an effort to present better as this is part of physical attraction.' But he doesn't seem to get it.
He's skipped meeting my girlfriends because he was too scruffy to see them and then I said that's why you should always go into the world prepared as you'd like to be seen! He's lost important things I gave him because he didn't have a wallet to put them in. When he kisses me, his beard scratches me and I have to then request he shaves. I wouldn't mind if he was open to growth but he seems to just be comfortable being scruffy and disorganised.
Lots of places I want to invite him to but I just don't see me turning up with a partner in teenage jeans and trainers. Told him and he said he will evolve over time and I shouldn't push it but it's been a few months and I've seen no effort.
I now feel that I have to dress down to match him and when I do this is when I see he is most comfortable around me.
It breaks my heart that I might have to let the relationship go.

"A well dressed lady"
"Should I just be grateful"
Is this the 1950s or is it ChatGPT?

@whatadaygirlie You can’t expect him to change. If he likes a more casual look, that’s just him.
Think how you would feel if he started knocking your confidence about what you wear, eg telling you that you look overdressed, you have too much make up on and that you need to dress down for him because he thinks you look like an embarrassment. Because that IS what you are doing to him.
You are incompatible.

There is a huge difference between casual and scruffy.

YANBU to not be attracted to his scruffiness but kindly, you are trying to change him. It doesn't sound like he is for changing so unfortunately I think you need to part ways.

He will never change OP. Take it from one who knows. He's showing you who he is you need to believe him. You might think it's a small thing but if he's pushing back then he's not interested in changing. I can tell you what will happen - you will start to resent him even hate him , but gradually you will start to hate yourself for settling for this cretin. Honestly save yourself now . Get out.

But he does tell me the dresses he likes to see me in over others. He'd say things like he loves to see me in x dress because it accentuates this and that and turns him on...
So, why can't I tell him what turns me on?

I agree but either way the point stands. He's scruffy, he should be left to be scruffy and this lady needs to find someone who is turned-out to her liking.

You can, but he is not listening so now you need to decide whether you put up with it or leave.

It doesn’t make a difference - it’s still him, and you can’t control how an adult dresses. She either puts up with it or leaves.

You’re being very unfair to be honest, and you are trying to change him. You’re saying “please do xyz because I like that”- that’s not fair.

Not everybody had the same dress sense, not everybody likes to be clean shaven, not everybody wears a watch. He’s just not the right match for you.

Can you IMAGINE the outrage if a woman was posting saying she’d met a lovely man but he told her to wear nice dresses and frilly pj’s? Honestly

You seem controlling. Each to its own. You don't like it, move on.

You're incorrect. Scruffy and casual are not the same things. Maybe check the dictionary.

I didn't say anything about controlling how someone dresses so not sure why are you explaining that to me.

They can be though depending on the person.

As an example my gran always wears amazing dresses, even if she’s just popping to the corner shop, full face of make up, hair done, dress and heels on.

She see’s me popping to the shop in leggings, a hoodie and trainers, hair up, no make up, as scruffy. She often comments on those dressed down as no effort, stuffy, didn’t bother getting dressed etc.

To HER that is scruffy, to me, it’s just casual.

I think you are misunderstanding what I said - I didn’t mean there is no difference between scruffy and casual. I meant it makes no difference if he is scruffy OR casual. SHE cannot control him.
Is that better? Not sure why you have twice picked apart my words though.

You are already dressing that way - he clearly isn’t interested in grooming and doesn’t want to change. It’s fundamental incompatibility.

Absolutely this.
I also sat here and thought what the responses would be if the post was the other way around.

I can't stand facial hair on a man, to the point I recoil. Some women love it, for me it totally freaks me out (I know, I'm probably weird!). Therefore, I have chosen a man, who is clean shaven. My husband wears jeans and trainers and he's 51!! Yes, he will smarten up if we go out, but he's a casual man. If I insisted on smart polo tops/shirts and trousers, all the time, he'd say 'he's not going to work'! You are fundamentally incompatible if his appearance is bothering you and you are finding yourself not inviting him places due to it. My husband is Mr Organised (probably the most organised man I have met in my entire life!). Your partner isn't. If he's in his 40's, he's not going to change. It's a case of putting up with it, or moving on.

OO, you are late 30s.
I will tell you the truth nobody wants to hear:

• the perfect man doesn't exist
• dating late 30s as a woman is ridiculously hard
• if you want to have a serious relationship, you will have to choose a serious compromise to make
• in their overwhelming majority, women have to compromise more than men

The most important questions are:

• is he respectful of you?
• has he got a good work ethic?
• are his finances OK?
• Is your worldview broadly compatible?
• Are you on the same page re: kids?

If all of the above is yes, then you need to give your self a good pep talk and accept the scruffy.
Also, my experience is that men can change over the long term for the better. It takes time and patience.