Is he having an affair?

[YourAquaBee]

So, bit of a long story.

I had a female friend who lived across the road, sadly her husband died from cancer and we were quite close - frequent wine night at her house, walking the dogs, shopping etc. She needed odd bits doing with her house and I asked my husband to help. Fast forward a year, she moved a little further away (5 miles), and we continued our friendship (wine night and occasional nights out) and my husband would go round and help her when she asked me. A few months later, my husband got a job at the same place as her and they frequently called each other work-wife or work-husband which never bothered me.

About a year ago, my husband started complaining about her (word related) and complaining about our nights out and how she shouldn't act that way at her age (I'm 33, husband is 41 and friend is 50). I eventually stopped going round for wine nights and he has continued complaining about her doing this or that at work and making it sound like they don't talk unless they have to.

Now on to yesterday - I saw my husband's phone messages from her (yes I looked which I feel awful for, but now I think there is a reason I made the decision to look). They have been exchanging messages calling each other work husband and wife, with lots of x's, and in one message he said something along the lines of "order me round to do it, I'm your work husband and have to perform my marital duties". I didn't have time to see more as husband realised he didn't have his phone and came back upstairs for it.

The last few weeks, he has also been muttering about women being cheaters and they all do it. Keeps referencing a work boyfriend I have, which I don't - I work remotely too. Am I going crazy and being paranoid, or is this normal behaviour?

For context, we have been together and married for 11 years and have two children together.

It does sound strange, the whole work wife/husband thing has always felt a bit odd to me though in general.

I’d speak to him about it properly and see what he says.

i would also be really uncomfortable with this

the transference - accusing you of doing something to justify his own actions and alleviate his guilt - is classic cheater behaviour

It sounds odd. You say he's been complaining about her a lot - throughout life, I've often found men will obsessively criticise the thing they secretly desire! I've seen it over and over again. That in itsekf would make me suspicious.
The text is also very suspicious but could possibly be a silly joke. I wouldn't confront him just yet, but I'd do a bit more digging. I'd want to gather so much evidence that he can't deny it.

Listen to your gut. ‘Doing marital duties’ does sound dodgy. I think more snooping is in order to gather more facts. I wouldn’t say anything yet, until you have more to go on.

If they are not having sex I would be really surprised.

You need to get a hold of his phone again and read everything. Don't ask him first, he will deny it and delete all the messages.

Go through his phone. Take it into the bathroom with you and lock the door. You can say he must’ve left it in there. Read all the messages, including checking the deleted messages. Check social media and emails too. This sounds very dodgy, especially since he’s accusing you of things. That’s projection. He’s projecting what he’s doing onto you. Don’t say anything to him. Do the digging and screenshot it forward any messages to yourself. If he’s cheating, get your ducks in a row. Speak to a lawyer and make sure you and the kids can remain in the marital home at least in the initial period. If he’s not cheating, speak to him about their relationship and tell him it seems weird and you’re now uncomfortable with it. Tell him no more texting unless it’s specifically work related and no more doing odd jobs for her. She can hire a handyman. Also, if he isn’t cheating and not projecting then he doesn’t trust you or have a very high opinion of women. That’s a problem in itself.

Sorry OP but they are having an affair.

He is absolutely projecting his behaviour on you to justify it to himself. Straight out the cheats handbook.

Do not confront him yet, gather evidence. I'd leave a spare mobile hidden in his car on silent but with life 360 to your phone so you know what he is up to and if he is lying about his whereabouts.

Thank you so much for your replies, unfortunately I doubt I will be able to get his phone again, him leaving it upstairs was a once in a blue moon situation. So, I'm not sure how I'm going to dig deeper - I thought of getting a spy app, but that needs access to his phone to install. Private investigators are crazy expensive too. :-(

If you’re at the stage where you’d be hiring a private investigator if you could afford it, it’s time to end the relationship. You can’t live like this. You’ll drive yourself nuts. At this point I would just be sitting him down and telling him to tell you the truth because you know all about it and unless he takes this one chance to come clean, you’re ending the relationship. I’d also be telling him he needs to show you his phone immediately and let you go through it. If he won’t do it, he’s hiding something. Don’t let him go away and then give you the phone as he will have wiped it. If he gets all defensive and angry, he’s lying. If he calls you crazy, he’s gaslighting. If he comes clean, then maybe you can work on it if you want to but that would take a lot of work for likely years. And he’d need to change jobs and block her everywhere and never speak to her again. Have a look at surviving infidelity. Just google it.

Eugh
I've said it before and I'll say it again
This 'work wife/husband' bullshit is so utterly inappropriate when either party is in a relationship and screams at the very least an emotional affair
That would be enough from me to put my foot down .
She needs to back the hell off and he needs to stop being a prick before this goes any further if it hasn't already .

Voice recorder in his car that’s voice activated. That is where they will have private phone calls if he’s cheating. Sorry I’ve been where you are and I made the mistake of asking him and he became more secretive for a year until he left me for her.

im early 30s and it was a women two decades older too for some reason you feel safe by this as you assume it’s always some younger women they go after but I assure you what you are saying doesn’t sound right.

Don’t ask him out right as he will be more secretive.

If you can’t get to his phone voice recorder in his car.

I know people will say that’s bad but when you’re married and have kids you need answers and men won’t willingly come clean in my experience. Look at internet banking too I ended up finding they went to a country the other side of the world for the weekend and he acted like he just went to work it was like something out of a movie how these men can compartmentalise.

Also want to add don’t even bother reaching out to her it will just push them closer together some women truly don’t care if they are married and have kids. He’s bad mouthing her to you but in order for affairs to take place it generally consists of people talking ill of their partners for the door to be open for these things to happen.

I have resigned myself to the fact he is having an affair, not sure if it is physical at this point, but definitely emotional. I would like to have proof, so that I can end the marriage and we can co-parent the kids. He is very good at manipulating, hence why I have no friends, and only leave the house to do the school run or do the food shopping. We haven't been in a healthy relationship for a long, long time.

If the relationship is shit anyway do you even need proof?
You don't need an excuse to divorce him if you are already unhappy
Pull the rug on him and end it before he leaves you for her anyway

Sounds like he got you to stop seeing this woman to limit the chance of you finding our about the affair.
Very weird txt to send to just a friend.

Confronting someone about infidelity nearly always gets the same results which is anger, denial and gaslighting. Why give him the power to emotionally abuse you and call you crazy.

Just get rid of him.

OP I think you could be jumping to huge conclusions here. Your marriage and kids stability is at stake here so please don't be rash. It could all be nothing, the marital rights thing could be some lame injoke thing about him using the drill or whatever. I don't like the work wife phrase at all and that in itself would irritate me so I do get where you are coming from. Just be very careful

Does he take his phone to the shower? Could you check it then?

It does sound very dodgy. Him referencing your "work boyfriend" is him projecting his own behaviour onto you, which is not reassuring in this situation.

There is no way he will tell you the truth if you ask, so I think that you should keep quiet, check his phone and investigate a bit.

I have sent you a PM @YourAquaBee

So sorry you are in this situation. He has distanced you from her so she doesn't let it slip when you are having one of your wine nights. He is manipulating you trying to make you focus your attention on proving you don't have a work boyfriend, trying to throw your focus elsewhere. You will find men this with men are manipulating and is cheating, they will try and and blame you.

The texts with the x's and referring to marital duties when he apparently can't stand her, personally I would go through his phone when he is there - just pick it up and open the messages and start reading aloud - his reaction will tell you what you want to know. Just tell him you have read them all (even though you haven't) and you need to know when it started - don't give him the opportunity to deny it

or on the other hand you could get an apple airtag and put it in his spare in the boot or under the back seat of the car - the charge on these things is about 7 months, and then you will see where he is going - but you are going into dangerous territory with tracking someone

I thought of this, but he has an iPhone, which means it would notify him of an air tag close by.

PAJ GPS EASY FINDER 4G - Mini Personal GPS Tracker for Kids, Elderly, Luggage and More - UK & Worldwide Real Time Tracking, Safe Area, Route Memory System and Alarms - Battery up to 14 days (Stanby): Amazon.co.uk: Electronics & Photo

You can buy cheap voice recorders that are like a pen for example off Amazon you can put it in his car that’s voice activated that will turn on when he’s in the car. Then you can get it after a few days most have earphones you can plug in and yeah it’s messed up but gaslighting literally ruins your health. I had one just for the conversations we had as down the line he would deny what he had said. I truly didn’t know what was up or down.

Honestly the car is where they will talk if it is indeed an affair they won’t want too much being in messages. If his car has addresses in that’s another one to check too. Internet banking even if joint. My ex had two Lloyd’s accounts and would often accidentally tap with the joint card and that’s how I saw he was in a different country and even then he tried to lie about it.

To people saying just leave it isn’t that simple for many especially if you are reliant on them you need to be sure to have some peace and will to go through with leaving when there are kids involved, as you go through a cycle of thinking maybe it’s not that bad and some do need it in black and white that they are having an affair if that’s what they deem unforgivable.

If you do look at his phone looking at app usage recently downloaded apps. My ex gave me his phone to look through after he deleted everything and it was google search where he had been typing the ow name into google images that caught him out and he went I must of accidentally typed her name into google. The lies they go to are ridiculous.

Hope you find some peace OP was one the worst things I went through.