Is he having an affair?

[YourAquaBee]

So, bit of a long story.

I had a female friend who lived across the road, sadly her husband died from cancer and we were quite close - frequent wine night at her house, walking the dogs, shopping etc. She needed odd bits doing with her house and I asked my husband to help. Fast forward a year, she moved a little further away (5 miles), and we continued our friendship (wine night and occasional nights out) and my husband would go round and help her when she asked me. A few months later, my husband got a job at the same place as her and they frequently called each other work-wife or work-husband which never bothered me.

About a year ago, my husband started complaining about her (word related) and complaining about our nights out and how she shouldn't act that way at her age (I'm 33, husband is 41 and friend is 50). I eventually stopped going round for wine nights and he has continued complaining about her doing this or that at work and making it sound like they don't talk unless they have to.

Now on to yesterday - I saw my husband's phone messages from her (yes I looked which I feel awful for, but now I think there is a reason I made the decision to look). They have been exchanging messages calling each other work husband and wife, with lots of x's, and in one message he said something along the lines of "order me round to do it, I'm your work husband and have to perform my marital duties". I didn't have time to see more as husband realised he didn't have his phone and came back upstairs for it.

The last few weeks, he has also been muttering about women being cheaters and they all do it. Keeps referencing a work boyfriend I have, which I don't - I work remotely too. Am I going crazy and being paranoid, or is this normal behaviour?

For context, we have been together and married for 11 years and have two children together.

Whatever you do don’t ask him about it, he will cover up and deny and hide even better

My mum used to complain about her boss ALL the time to my dad. Saying he was awful. Turned out months later she was having an affair with him.
she needed to talk about him (mentionitis) but couldn’t be seen to like him too much

It does sound fishy and is very confusing but you must calmly speak to your husband about this and insist he is frank with you.

This. The relationship is already shit. In a way, this affair is a positive thing as it will make you walk away from an awful situation.

Work wife

Work boyfriend.

What a load of rubbish

My DH work colleague, cheats on wife. His mistress he met at gym and started fictitious rumour about her so wife wouldn’t suspect. He says she has really bad body odor, specifically he calls her “smelly box” and she prob has bad STD. Says bad things about her behavior at the gym. Dont think wife knows he hired her. He had gone on to hire her, and overpay her salary - giving her salary much higher than worth.

He started the rumor so wife wouldn’t suspect, so wife wouldn’t want to befriend her ever.
He’s disgusting.

By the sounds of it, it's irrelevant whether he's cheating or not. He's a manipulative arsehole and you're unhappy in the marriage. You don't need an 'excuse' to leave - just leave.

I think there is a difference between having a work wife and mentioning marital duties. Work husband/wife are just usually members of the opposite sex that you wouldn’t hang around with but have a bond just because of work, marital duties have a whole different connotation.

I would be tempted to casually tell your husband that you spotted her out and about with a new man looking loved up, and gage his reaction.

Organise a dinner /lunch / supper at yours. Invite her without telling husband. Then when sitting down with your 1st glass of vino just say so which one of you is going to be honest snd tell me WTF is going in between you. Should get a reaction.

Nah the work wife/husband shit really gets on my nerves. How insulting to your real partner, and it almost gives off 'permission vibes' to do what you want. The lines become blurred

Yes I agree. I have known three sets of colleagues spouting this shite and they were all shagging.

OP has explained that she feels like the marriage is done anyway.

Can you not just say oh shit my phones died, can I use yours for a second and see his reaction?

If he is manipulating you, it's time the marriage ends anyway. You don't deserve to be treated like that!

My ex used to conplain about an older women at work and how ugly she is. Fast forward a year later I found out he was sleeping with her whilst I was pregnant. He's definitely cheating with her. Confront her maybe x

@YourAquaBee My husband had an affair with a colleague 15 yrs older than him.

They got married after our divorce, but the marriage foundered after two years.

Of ALL the people he could have been unfaithful with, she was the last one I suspected.

Now that........is GENIUS!

You will see him react if he is having an affair with her.. a momentary blanching.
A slight pause of breath..

I think that the other problems you mention are important enough to be deal breakers tbh. He sounds awful.

If he wants to have sex with her, so be it. Actually….it might be easier to offload him if he has a hole to put it in. She may be doing you a favour, inadvertently.

As you are in a renter, things are easier. If he won't leave, you can speak to the LL, end the contract and move into one on your own.

Look forward to your life of freedom from manipulation and one day, when you see madam out and about, let her know you knew all along about the affair but simply didn't care any more after everything he had put you through.

Life will be sweet.

Seems very odd that he insisted to end your friendship with her, but he continues to text her and call her his work wife etc.

This. Unless that message about "marital duties" was an old one, before he apparently stopped doing odd jobs. And even then it was dodgy. You don't need proof of his cheating because he is abusive and manipulative and you will be happier and healthier out of this marriage.

I think it’s insulting he calls another person his wife. It invalidates everything you do for him as his actual wife. Why doesn’t he see and appreciate you as his wife. Stop doing anything for him and see how quickly he starts to appreciate you

You know it's not normal behaviour. Why do women doubt themselves or do the fake unsure if this is okay shit.

There is an inappropriate relationship going on here and she is meant to be your friend. She's either complicit or if not, she's not telling him to pack it in is she?

I would go round to her. Say he's told me everything. You want her side. See what she says.

Hmm, it's best to be with your gut on this one.
"Marital duties" is especially suspicious and I would be inclined to confront him on this really.

Not illegal at all.