Is he having an affair?

[YourAquaBee]

So, bit of a long story.

I had a female friend who lived across the road, sadly her husband died from cancer and we were quite close - frequent wine night at her house, walking the dogs, shopping etc. She needed odd bits doing with her house and I asked my husband to help. Fast forward a year, she moved a little further away (5 miles), and we continued our friendship (wine night and occasional nights out) and my husband would go round and help her when she asked me. A few months later, my husband got a job at the same place as her and they frequently called each other work-wife or work-husband which never bothered me.

About a year ago, my husband started complaining about her (word related) and complaining about our nights out and how she shouldn't act that way at her age (I'm 33, husband is 41 and friend is 50). I eventually stopped going round for wine nights and he has continued complaining about her doing this or that at work and making it sound like they don't talk unless they have to.

Now on to yesterday - I saw my husband's phone messages from her (yes I looked which I feel awful for, but now I think there is a reason I made the decision to look). They have been exchanging messages calling each other work husband and wife, with lots of x's, and in one message he said something along the lines of "order me round to do it, I'm your work husband and have to perform my marital duties". I didn't have time to see more as husband realised he didn't have his phone and came back upstairs for it.

The last few weeks, he has also been muttering about women being cheaters and they all do it. Keeps referencing a work boyfriend I have, which I don't - I work remotely too. Am I going crazy and being paranoid, or is this normal behaviour?

For context, we have been together and married for 11 years and have two children together.

He could also explain being round there, as he does jobs for her.

Slagging her off is a tactic to throw you off the scent. It’s obvious.

Hmm it does seem a bit weird. The wifey and husband talk is just plain annoying and disrespectful to a certain degree. It’s not funny. The text is what got me..I mean who knows what it really means, but it’s easy to read between the lines and think it’s a reference to intimacy.

I would go for it and confront him.

You need to leave him anyway due him isolating you (sounds abusive to me). This should be the push you need to do it.
Just start making plans. Don’t confront.

As far as I know, that stopped early this year

It sounds like you're unhappy in the relationship and that your husband is controlling? If this is the case, you don't need proof of his affair to end the relationship - you don't need any justification if you don't want to be married to him any more! Start by getting some legal advice so you know where you stand financially.

Get a recording device from amazon put it in his car. Get one that can be left for a month, some have a magnet and you can stick it under the seat. The sound isn't great but you will hear phone calls Magnetic Voice Recorder, 350 Hours Long Battery Recording Time, 32GB Sound Voice Activated Recorder Long Lasting Audio Recorder Device. You could also add a GPS tracker.
They lie, gasslight and make you feel like shit.

My husband was stupid enough to have messages also going to his home computer. Check everything pockets/computers/ does he smell of someone else when he comes home?
Has he had a midlife makeover? There are lots of clues when you start looking.

Do the traditional mumsnet 'get your ducks in a row' if true it always turns nasty & money is where you will be worst hit

*Put the voice Recorder on voice Activated or you will get Hours of silence

I would contact her, arrange a wine night catch up as it has been so long. Drop this into conversation with your Husband, say how great it was to chat with her, but something seems off and she suggested getting together for a chat. Really play it up. Watch his face, i'm betting he will make some excuse to get away from you so he can call her as he will freak out

You're unhappy anyway so leave regardless ? If it was an affair it will naturally come out in the wash.

He's encouraging you to stop being friends with her, meanwhile he's kept in touch with her, as recently as yesterday.

I'd say there's something going on. Breaking up the friendship you have with her, allows him to see her without risk of you showing up or him slipping up.

Work husband and wife 🤢

Be very careful if you go down the tracking/recording route. It’s illegal and you could get into trouble (not to mention it’s slightly nuts).

All the amateur detectives in the comments. If it's at the point where you're considering literally spying on your husband then it's already over. You don't need proof. Your marriage has been shit for ages, he's highly likely having an affair. Get your ducks in a row and when you're ready, tell him it's over.

Based on your update, you’re in an abusive relationship. He’s isolated you from your friends (including her) and you never go out except for domestic reasons. This is a bad marriage for you anyway.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I think it’s time on this marriage. Even without investigating, the marriage is over because the reality is, even if he is cheating I feel nothing. I’m not upset, I’m not angry. That tells me everything.

unfortunately, we have a holiday coming up next week for our daughters birthday, so I’m going to behave like everything is normal and then have a conversation once we get back. I need to get everything in order - not sure how everything is going to work, the house is rented and it would be easier if he moved out and saw the kids on the weekend, but I foresee an argument about that. I work from home so I’m able to do school runs without impacting anything, he goes out to work full time. We already have separate accounts and pay our individual bills.

Tell him you think arranging to do something nice with her for Christmas is on your plans... See his reaction..

I second this. There is some seriously unhinged advice on this thread.

At best, a gross invasion of privacy, at worst, stalker ish and probably illegal. If he finds out, he’d be well advised to ask the OP to leave the family home while he files for divorce.

Speak to shelter about the legalities of renting your home. I assume both names will be on the lease? Is it a private rental or a housing association/council? You can apply to the court for an occupation order so that you and the children can remain in the home, especially as the relationship breakdown is due to his infidelity and you are able to maintain the children’s routines because you work from home. However, check the legalities with Shelter and speak to a lawyer about your rights as well.

There is THREE people in your marriage.
Hes having an Emotional affair.
Emotional Affair IS A deep friendship.
There's nothing physical but a strong friendship which YOU KNOW NO DATAILS ABOUT . It's his little secret.
Are you happy about your husband having a party of his life hidden from you which also happens to be another female.
It could be that he gets huge satisfaction from his secret little friendship with another rival. This is sinister stuff.
Turn the tables- start disappearing yourself a few nights a week. Watch him squirm. These types cannot stand the taste of their own medicine, in fact : it could even trigger a confession out of him.

He's having an affair, confront him with evidence a.s.a.p.

Def having an affair, sadly. I know the signs well enough

Occupation Orders are for domestic abuse, not infidelity.

I agree with the rest - it's good advice - but an Occ. Order isn't easy to obtain and should only be used where necessary. It's draconian; you can oust someone from a property they own, and allow the victim (and kids, if any) to live in it pending long term settlement, unless its' completely changed character in the last decade or so (wholly possible!)

Shelter is definitely an excellent suggestion.

@YourAquaBee

He is very good at manipulating, hence why I have no friends, and only leave the house to do the school run or do the food shopping. We haven't been in a healthy relationship for a long, long time.

Sounds to me as if your marriage is dead in the water, regardless of whether he's having an affair or not.

I’m going to behave like everything is normal and then have a conversation once we get back. I need to get everything in order

Yes to behaving like everything is normal, but absolutely NO to having 'a conversation'. At least, no conversation until after you've gotten everything in order. You say he's 'good at manipulating', so you don't actually want or need a 'conversation'. What you need is to see a solicitor. Take a 'snapshot' of monthly expenses and both your and his income and assets and educate yourself on what divorce may mean to you, financially and wrt child access and maintenance. And find out about your rental; joint or single tenancy? Private or social rental? Is there a way to keep it or would it be better to just find a new place.

Once you get all these questions answered, then you have that 'conversation'. But that conversation should consist of "I want a divorce. I am leaving/asking you to leave". Don't 'discuss', he'll only try to talk round and round until you don't know which end is up.

Any man who talks about all women being cheaters is a toxic misogynist so get rid on that basis alone.

And he's also likely to be projecting his own cheating nature so that's another reason, before you get onto whether or not he's having an emotional or sexual affair with your 'friend' in particular.