Emotional cheating, deceit, pretending to be single advice please

[OneRubyLeader]

I (32 F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. Have lived together for 18 months. Throughout the relationship my partner has never posted me/ us on social media, despite using daily, although would post photos of himself on trips we had been away on together. I expressed how I found this strange and hurtful, however, he would become defensive and say it is his social media and he is not being controlled, made various excuses.

I also noticed he always slightly tilts his phone/ body away from me so I cannot see his screen.
I became suspicious and looked at his following, he has been following several women and has been liking their photos of them in bikinis/ small clothing. I had explained previously I found this type of behaviour disrespectful.

I confronted him calmly one evening recently, showed screenshots of what I’ve seen and asked to see his DM’s. He immediately became flushed and looked uncomfortable. He was very cagey, then admitted sexting two women. When I opened the messages he had been pretending to be single, asking several girls on dates over the course of the past year. One he had met at the gym and seemed to be pursuing her until she told him she had met someone. He denies anything physical happening. Also invited one girl to meet him when staying at a hotel alone on a work trip a couple of months ago.
He really wants to work things out and has offered to pay for couples counselling. He has sent me flowers this week and has been making small visible efforts in reconnecting. He also told me he was planning to propose in November, no ring bought.

other information - he told me previously his last two relationships ended when the woman cheated and that he would never cheat. I have also been struggling this year coming to terms with supporting and caring for mum diagnosed with fast progressing dementia in her 50’s with little family support (diagnosed February). This also led to a depressive episode I have started medication for.

What would you think about this all? I am struggling to think clearly and would appreciate any advice/ words of wisdom. Do you think it is possible to work things out? I feel so betrayed and like the trust is broken.

In my experience a man seeking other women is a man waiting for a better opportunity. Men are simple creatures if they are happy in a relationship they tend not to look anywhere else. I personally don't think he can be trusted he is actively looking for an opportunity to leave the relationship he is just no man enough to end it with you first. It's a horrible situation you are in but try to think about it without emotions attached look at it logically. He was ready to meet someone in a hotel which means he is ready to take that next step. He is only sorry because he got caught. I honestly wish you the strength to get through this difficult time, you don't need someone like him especially when going through something as difficult as your Mother having been diagnosed with Dementia. Big hugs. 🤗

Thankyou, I thought the same. I’ve been trying to make sense of it all, he said I have been busy with mum and he felt he could not talk to me on an emotional level and felt he was ‘losing’ me and was ‘looking for an out’. I had already said to him a few months prior I understand things are heavy with mum (I’m grieving loss of mum and caring for her) and that I would understand if he wanted to end things. I have been trying to focus on getting better the past couple of months and am pulling out of the depression. The liking of photos were of women he knows/ has met in some capacity - work/ gym/ friends of family etc. Appreciate your advice.

Bring this one to a close. He is using you, unfortunately, and views you as a convenient stop-gap - it's just that he hasn't been able to trade up successfully for 2.5 years.

If you are living with him, abstain from sexual intercourse with him until you move out as there is a high chance that he has casual unprotected sex with women he finds attractive whenever he is presented with a chance.

Sorry you have been through this. Thankfully, it is coming to an end now.

I’m sorry OP, but it looks like the only reason he didn’t physically cheat was because the gym girl and hotel girl didn’t want to sleep with him. That’s if he’s telling the truth.

As you’ve said, the trust is broken. Only you know whether you can get past this - I don’t think I could.

Flowers to shut you up because he’s not ready to jump yet.
He will though.
You can’t trust him. If he feels neglected now heaven help you if you have dc.

I would run for the hills. You're only 2 1/2 years into this relationship that has had red flags from the beginning. You don't have children and are not married so you don't have that extra tie. Given you presumably want marriage, if he's behaving this way now, how will he be after 15 years of marriage. His behaviour is appalling. If he hasn't cheated, he had the intention of it inviting someone to his hotel room. He sounds awful, disrespectful and has shown you on numerous occasions you cannot trust him.

You don't honestly believe he was going to propose to you do you with no ring and while simultaneously messaging other women? Run for the hills OP, you deserve much better than to tie yourself to a man who would treat you so terribly

As pp above,OP.

Also it’s a real possibility that in his previous relationships, he was the one doing the cheating and his partners found out and dumped him.Read between the lines.

If you dump him ( as you should), he will probably tell his next victim that his gf was cheating on him so he left.

What you’re going through with your mother is devastating, so of course it’s taken its toll on you. A decent man would be your rock and support you through it, not be actively trying to have casual sex with other women. It also sounds like he’s trying to blame his actions on your emotional state, which is appalling behaviour.

I agree with others that if you stayed this time, he’d leave the relationship further down the line as soon as it suits him. You deserve better than this.

Honestly cut your losses.
I know first hand what it's like to stay with someone after an emotional affair - well that I can prove anyway. It's torturous

He sounds like a liar and you will think about it everyday. Everytime he's on his phone, everytime he's at the gym or staying somewhere for work. It's no life op. Sorry he did this to you.

My issue would be with long term trust.

I wouldn't want to live out the rest of my days wondering what he's up to.

He's shown you who he is, there really is no acceptable excuse for this behaviour.

Dump. The man is a walking flag and a wannabee habitual cheat.

The likelihood is that he has already cheated.

You've got zero ties.

Walk away. - from someone who ignored red flags and would kill for a time machine!!

Sorry about your mum.

Dump him. He's full of shit

There’s literally nothing to talk about on this thread apart from this wise advice

His two previous partners cheated? No they didn't.
He would never cheat?
Yes he would.

Get rid.. hes not serious he's been caught out, now he wants to buy you flowers etc... the fact he even went to the extreme of inviting a woman over to a hotel shows alot... he sounds immature a boy not a man. If you do forgive him he will just think he's done it once and can do it again... you deserve so much better..

That's not emotional cheating
That's cheating
He's a cheat
End of
Please please get rid of this one he won't change

This!!! Spot on

Oh and to use the situation with your mum as an excuse is utterly vile

That sounds really tough with your mum, I hope you've got some support from other people around you x.
Sounds like you've got enough going on and need to look after yourself too...without this piece of crap making you feel even worse.

I think this type of persistent behaviour; trying to engage with other woman would suggest he’s not committed I’m afraid.

Bin. Immediately. Not only can he not keep it in his pants, he’s also a bit dim. Why on gods green earth would you ever want to marry a man who is (allegedly) planning to propose to you but trying to shag other women at the same time? And he is doing that while you are going through an awful time with your Mum? Was the poor little boy not getting enough attention? Wanker. It’s grim, he is grim and you deserve far better.

So he’s never been fully committed, he’s been looking to cheat, and now you’ve found out, he’s decided it’s your fault for going through a difficult situation in your own life?

No redemption possible. He doesn’t like or respect you and will only make your life miserable.

i’m really sorry for the situation with your mum. Look after yourself.

Absolutely this. You’ve only been together 2 and a half years. He is an unsafe partner for you or anyone. He will continue to be an unsafe partner. Don’t waste any more of your time on someone who is a ticking time bomb!

I’m sorry to hear about your mum, that is horrendous.

He's telling you what you think you want to hear to make you stay as you're easy and he can carry on using you. He would rather that than be single. Sorry OP.

You Will need all your strength to focus on your mum. Dementia is a horrible disease. I lost my mum to this. You need support from other loved ones not have to worry about your time being used by a guy who clearly doesn't care about you x

In one of your posts you say he admitted he was 'looking for an out' - you are to blame of course because you love your Mum !!!!!!!!!
He does need to look for an out if he wants to go he can leave; what he means is he is looking for a soft landing and the flowers and talk of a proposal are to keep you sweet until he finds it.
I'm sorry that he is adding to your pain (I cared for my Mum through dementia so have some understanding of what you are going through) but give him his out you deserve better. Good Luck. 💐