Emotional cheating, deceit, pretending to be single advice please

[OneRubyLeader]

I (32 F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years. Have lived together for 18 months. Throughout the relationship my partner has never posted me/ us on social media, despite using daily, although would post photos of himself on trips we had been away on together. I expressed how I found this strange and hurtful, however, he would become defensive and say it is his social media and he is not being controlled, made various excuses.

I also noticed he always slightly tilts his phone/ body away from me so I cannot see his screen.
I became suspicious and looked at his following, he has been following several women and has been liking their photos of them in bikinis/ small clothing. I had explained previously I found this type of behaviour disrespectful.

I confronted him calmly one evening recently, showed screenshots of what I’ve seen and asked to see his DM’s. He immediately became flushed and looked uncomfortable. He was very cagey, then admitted sexting two women. When I opened the messages he had been pretending to be single, asking several girls on dates over the course of the past year. One he had met at the gym and seemed to be pursuing her until she told him she had met someone. He denies anything physical happening. Also invited one girl to meet him when staying at a hotel alone on a work trip a couple of months ago.
He really wants to work things out and has offered to pay for couples counselling. He has sent me flowers this week and has been making small visible efforts in reconnecting. He also told me he was planning to propose in November, no ring bought.

other information - he told me previously his last two relationships ended when the woman cheated and that he would never cheat. I have also been struggling this year coming to terms with supporting and caring for mum diagnosed with fast progressing dementia in her 50’s with little family support (diagnosed February). This also led to a depressive episode I have started medication for.

What would you think about this all? I am struggling to think clearly and would appreciate any advice/ words of wisdom. Do you think it is possible to work things out? I feel so betrayed and like the trust is broken.

So many things wrong with this one. You'll be better off without him. You are going to need all your reserves to look after your DM. Don't waste your valuable time and energy on this man when he's shown you he's not worth it and doesn't deserve you.

I'm sorry about your DM, it's a horrible disease. Please make sure you have support as you look after her. I know she's not old, but the Elderly Parents board on here has lots of help and advice. 💐

Thankyou for all your helpful responses, it has helped me to see things more clearly as I think I’ve been feeling shocked since finding out a week ago.
This has been the most difficult year of my life, and I shouldn’t have to worry what my partner is up to whilst I have been busy caring for mum. Family and loyalty is important to me and it appears we have different values.
I asked him whether he would have admitted all this before proposing and he said ‘No, I had a drawn a line under it, seeing the old you coming back’ (because my depression is lifting). I don’t want to live worrying that it will be the same story if anything difficult crops up in life.

He is 100% using you until someone 'better' comes along. He sounds awful and what he has done is extremely cruel and is cheating (in my books!). I am not sure why you would want to keep trying with him - do flowers make up for him trying to sleep with other people during your entire relationship? He won't change.

Yes OP. He should have been supporting you through this difficult time. Instead he cheated on you and his response to you that the cheating finished because your old self is back shows that he puts all the blame on you : it was your fault he cheated.
You really really deserve so much better OP. Someone who loves you through the hard times as well as the good.

Men are simple creatures if they are happy in a relationship they tend not to look anywhere else.

Nope. Not buying it. OP, I personally could not trust a liar and that's my advise. Men are people; some people are good and some people are not. Don't lower your standards by believing BS like the one I've quoted above 🙏
Good luck with your health and your family situation: focus on that and leave behind anything/one who drains or drags you down.

You seem to have found one of these men:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/mar/30/the-men-who-give-up-on-their-spouses-when-they-have-cancer

What everyone else said.

Also, you have strong values around family and loyalty and sound lovely. If you'd like to have children one day, please please please find someone who is aligned with those values. You're young and have time.

This one will only get worse. He already cheats and gaslights...not good partner, let alone father, material at all. Don't waste your precious time.

Hello OP. I'm another one who thinks that this man isn't good enough for you and you can do better. He doesn't adore you, he looks at other women, he lets you down when you need him and generally - he is not good enough. I'd move out and start again - brush yourself down and find a better quality man. I've not been cheated on but I have stayed with men who weren't good enough, trying to get them to behave better. Never worked, total waste of my years. I'd have been better off being single and waiting for someone like my current partner who is a diamond.

Firstly, I'm sorry your going through thks. But the biggest thing I can say is when people show you who they are, believe them. He has shown you, now believe him and do yourself the kindest thing you could do, and walk away. x

Wow, what an immoral and selfish man. Please end it. He’s totally untrustworthy and he has betrayed you and will again.

OP, so sorry, this sounds horrible. And so does he.
This stuck out: I asked him whether he would have admitted all this before proposing and he said ‘No, I had a drawn a line under it, seeing the old you coming back’ (because my depression is lifting).
So basically, HE had drawn a line under all his cheating (until next time i'm guessing) and would have no issue leaving you in the dark over it all if thats what HE decides. So you don't get a choice! he took that choice away from you by deciding you'd be best off not knowing, even though it may change the course of your entire life because if you knew, you may not want to marry him!
How sick is that. Selfish at the highest level.
And the bit about 'seeing the old you come back'. Way to blame you for his cheating! I mean seriously! That makes my blood boil.

In one breath he is saying he was going to propose in November (how convenient hey, having that little carrot in his pocket - no ring though so I'm guessing he absolutely was not actually going to do that). And in another breath he was 'looking for an out'.
Has the guy not heard of a door? Just walk through it mate, no need to test the waters in other places to establish where your out is, whilst disrespecting and hurting the person you are supposed to care about above all others. What he actually meant was he was having a good old look round to see if there is anything better out there, and sounds like he did a fair bit of window shopping and quite possibly took a few for a test drive.
And now he is playing the 'want to marry you carrot' because he hasn't quite decided which one he is going to buy yet.

He has lied to you, cheated on you, was apparantly on his way out (but failed to mention this to you because he didn't want to actually close the door) and then decided it would be HIS decision for you to know nothing about all of this deceit.

As hard as it feels right now, move on. He is no good. I am sure he is spinning every line under the sun right now, throw in a few flowers and he thinks thats it. You will never trust him again.
I think you should give him his 'out'. Through the front door and lock it behind him. You can do a million times better than some lying cheating piece of crap who then blames you for his behaviour because you were dealing with your mum and all that heartache.
Most men would be supporting their partner through that, not thinking, 'oh shes so preoccupied, i'd better try and see where else I can stick my dick'.

Leave now whilst you still have youth on your side.

Only you can know if you can forgive him and trust him again. Unfortunately that may take time.

My husband did similar to me whilst I was VERY pregnant with our first child. I found out 4 days prior to going into labour at 37 weeks. So felt it was also a vulnerable time in my life, similar to you.

I forgave him, It’s been 6 years and on occasion I do struggle to trust him again. I would have a very emotionally raw chat about why and explain exactly how that has made you feel when you are emotionally vulnerable dealing with your mum, then take it from there.

Sorry OP, he would 100% have cheated on you if any of these women gave him the opportunity.

Also, you need his support more than ever right now, and instead of supporting you he’s actively trying to cheat on you.

This is a huge ewwww from me. He’s gross. You deserve better.

OP you sound lovely and deserve someone who adores you and treats you with respect. If you want children in the future, this man child is not the one to do it with. He wont be a good dad just like he isnt a good partner. PPs are all correct, throw this one back asap if you havent already. He wont change, even if you do get married and stay together a while he will still be cheating at any opportunity. Then one day he'll find something better and leave you alone with the kids. Really think about if thats what you want for your future.

He's just generic, boring trash. There are over 4 billion other ones out there if you feel the need. Or enjoy life unburdened by a man.

I would definitely end this.

Not just because sexting is cheating, but his excuse is that you're not giving him attention because your mum has cancer. That's abhorrent isn't it?!? And you appear to feel sorry for him that you haven't been your normal self. Rather than thinking that he's vile because a decent partners response to that would be to support you.

This bodes terribly for if you have dc where he would 💯 not pull his weight, rendering you exhausted from doing everything, and then blame you for not giving him any attention.

Run.

He’s only upset because he got caught
I would ditch him. The trust is gone

so sorry about your mum. My Nan has vascular dementia I wouldn’t wish it on anyone :-(

If a friend came to you with what you've written what advice would you give? You have a lot on your plate and ending things feels like another challenge but imo.its better than living life on eggshells, always wondering who he is messaging everything he picks up his phone, feeling on edge when he is out and periodically checking his socials and who is is liking/commenting on...its no way to live and you do deserve better.

In my personal experience of a similar situation, he was the cheat in previous relationships. He bounced from relationship to relationship only when found out because he "could never bring himself to end a relationship".

As far as I am aware, each time he was caught cheating, was a time when the woman (and me when it was "my turn") were going through a hard time and were not emotionally up for pandering to his insecurities and lack of empathy.

I'd recommend leaving him. I would say he's potentially emotionally abusing you with the whole "your too busy caring for you mum, that's why I <almost> cheated".
How would he act if you were ill?
Personally I'd never be able to trust him again. And without trust I can't have a relationship.

Don't bother with the counselling. He would have cheated by now if the women had been interested. You'll never trust him. End immediately and find someone better.

Thankyou everyone for you advice and supportive messages about mum. Sorry for my delayed response mum is back in hospital following a fall so have been back and forth.
You’re right, I feel a bit vulnerable to make big decisions for myself at the moment as I’m already dealing with so much. I feel disappointed that he was putting his energy elsewhere rather than in to us and being honest with me. I also agree if the gym girl hadn’t met her current partner he would have continued to pursue her. I’m usually a confident person but have gained weight this year due to comfort eating and have lost my self confidence. I’m working on this currently and introducing exercise and walks etc and trying to find bits of time to focus on me. Hopefully I will gather the strength to make the best decision for myself. I am very family orientated and would love children of my own in the future so I am also mindful that this is with the right partner.
Thankyou again, your different perspectives has given me a lot to think about.

He's cheating with other women but deflecting onto you. It's not actually your fault he does anything because duh, useless twat boyfriend you have free will...

Hi OneRubyLeader.
This makes me so angry.
I'm so sorry you are going through this awful disease with your Mum.
My Mum in law had the same, and it was the most difficult time of our lives.
Luckily I have a fab husband.
Big hugs to you.
I would throw this one back asap.What a horrible man, cheating and blaming you for it.There are no words to describe how wrong his behaviour is, and will continue to be.
I hope you find peace in your life and the strength to do what's best for you.

Couples councelling for a relationship of 2.5 years, when its him who needs councelling? For being a dirty dog.

Its the fact he's chatted up several different women that really boils my piss and shows he's just a sleaze, he wouldn't have confessed if you hadn't confronted him. Of course he was going to propose, and look what you'll miss out on if you dump him! NOT!

Do you think this type of man is good enough for your best mate/sister/daughter? If not then you know your answer