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Original poster

Ended due to selfish in bed - was it a mistake

100 replies

Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 16:22

I’ve just ended my relationship (mainly) due to him being very selfish in bed.

Outside of the bedroom he was so loving and affectionate but I felt like almost invisible when having sex.

Usually I’m very active / dominant / adventurous and it sucked all my confidence away in bed with him as he seemed to have very little interest in my enjoyment. It made me feel so shit and angry.

I can’t work out how he could be so amazing in other ways and affectionate but not in bed.

Yes he does watch lots of porn in case that is a factor. I did highlight that when we broke up.

Was it a mistake to end it should I have tried to communicate better about my needs / suggest counselling?

he’s been very stressed and tired with work so I take on board that would have an impact but he was still able to get his fill from it.

OP posts:
NPET · 17/10/2024 18:22

Afaic the way they act in bed is a - maybe THE - prime reason for having them! If they don't perform "correctly" (by which I mean to allow me to get the best out of myself - both for my own and his satisfaction), then what's the point? We can talk about it but in my experience they can't or don't want to change.
(I've read that thru and it sounds a bit officious of me but it's true - I have galmates for talk, fun, life whatever. I need, well to put it bluntly, I need d-ck for "relaxation".)

Pistachiochiochio · 17/10/2024 18:25

The cause is almost irrelevant. Rhe fact you discussed it with him and everythung youve said about him indicatea You did the right thing.

There were other things too, very moody at times / dumping emotionally on me so it probably was for the best regardless of the shite sex.
Remind yourself in the future if/when you start telling yourself the relationship was otherwise great (as you suggested in your OP)

Daleksatemyshed · 17/10/2024 18:59

Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 18:10

I said how did you have relationships and he said he didn’t want relationships just to get his end away.

I wrongly assumed that was in his youth and he had matured…

Show quote history

That tells you such a lot about him Op, he didn't want a GF, he just wanted a shag. That would have turned me off him long ago, a man who has no desire to have any real contact with a woman, no feelings or love or romance, that's a very cold heart

EarthSight · 17/10/2024 19:13

That amount of sexual partners would really put me off, personally.

And no, I don't think you made a mistake.

Original poster
Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 20:05

yeaitsmeagain · 17/10/2024 17:19

I would say he was when it was something he wanted to do. It was very selective.

For example he did laundry beautifully and folded it all neatly to pro level (no idea why or how he picked that one up, it was very off brand for him!). But you'd have more luck ending the war in Gaza than getting him to cook a meal.

I go for people-pleasers now, there's no one better in bed than a people-pleaser.

Edited
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He called himself a people pleaser. The irony.

Make sure you don’t bump into him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 20:17

Pinkbonbon · 17/10/2024 17:55

One conversation about them being attentive to your needs is bad enough. But if they aren't mortified and determined to change that then they're just using you as a wank sock. They clearly don't care about your needs.

I hope you told him clearly why he was getting the elbow.

Yep, very clearly. He said he’d never been so roasted, he was really shocked by all the truths I gave him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 20:19

NPET · 17/10/2024 18:22

Afaic the way they act in bed is a - maybe THE - prime reason for having them! If they don't perform "correctly" (by which I mean to allow me to get the best out of myself - both for my own and his satisfaction), then what's the point? We can talk about it but in my experience they can't or don't want to change.
(I've read that thru and it sounds a bit officious of me but it's true - I have galmates for talk, fun, life whatever. I need, well to put it bluntly, I need d-ck for "relaxation".)

I agree, I’m not looking for kids / marriage but I want to have good regular sex with my partner.

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 17/10/2024 22:54

WizardOfAus · 17/10/2024 17:54

Sounds like your mate is a shit shag,
too.

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Honestly not something I've ever thought about and definitely don't want to spend much headspace on 😂

I think it's pretty rank behaviour but not my body, not my business really.

MaxTalk · 17/10/2024 23:03

Go out with someone who has shagged 300 people? Sod that

NPET · 17/10/2024 23:33

Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 20:19

I agree, I’m not looking for kids / marriage but I want to have good regular sex with my partner.

Show quote history

Yes totally. If you're like me you NEED it and if your boy/man isn't going to give it, then he's not worthy.
Most men seem to think our possibilities are limited. I mean like we're back in the 1960s when my grandmother was with one man and he made the bedroom decisions. TG it's not like that now. When I'm p-ssed off with a boy I don't hang around to try over and over with him, telling him it's OK. Cos it isn't.
I KNOW I'm hard but, as my bff said to a boy who couldn't get it up, "someone's got to be" lol.

Lena05 · 17/10/2024 23:46

😂😂😂

oh my god, what?!??

300 women and he’s still THAT SHIT?!?

A guy who sleeps with 300 women will never know how to learn to satisfy the one. So he will never be good in it

XChrome · 18/10/2024 04:44

Yes he does watch lots of porn in case that is a factor. I did highlight that when we broke up.

Oh hell yes, that is a huge factor. Porn makes men terrible in bed. They look at you as an object to be used for their pleasure, because that's how it is in porn.
You did the right thing. He is obviously not capable of having a healthy sex life unless he quits the porn, and let's be realistic, he is not going to do that. Eventually he may become impotent with a partner as well.

XChrome · 18/10/2024 04:45

Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 20:17

Yep, very clearly. He said he’d never been so roasted, he was really shocked by all the truths I gave him.

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Good for you!

XChrome · 18/10/2024 04:49

Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 16:57

Yes I think you could be right. He likes it rough (which I do like) but there was an off feeling and he would put his hand on my throat which I know people have their views on both ways but it didn’t seem like he was capable of loving sex.

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Yuck. Classic pornsick behaviour. You dodged a bullet by dumping that creep.

XChrome · 18/10/2024 04:54

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 17/10/2024 16:47

He might be lacking experience of sex as part of a monogamous, loving, sexually generous relationship! If you're having regrets and missing him, couples counselling could be a way of helping him find a different way of relating in bed.

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It wouldn't help. A sexually selfish guy in his 50s with a heavy porn habit is not going to change. This isn't a communication issue. She communicated and it didn't help. Counseling doesn't change character, and his character is the issue here.

SmellyScrambler · 18/10/2024 05:00

Urgh you did the right thing. He has basically trained himself to be a crap shag with all the porn and ONSs.

Choking without explicit consent is a deal breaker on its own.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 18/10/2024 08:29

I know several men with v high numbers too - often it's people who have grown up in an area /community where lots of young people were partying hard, and/or people who've worked in holiday resorts. Seems bizarre to those of us who come from more sheltered backgrounds. There is no reason why a man who's had sex with a lot of women would be good in bed, but you'd think it would have shown him that all women are different & so you need to put effort into finding out what feels good for someone.
Most men really do want their partner to enjoy sex. Sex therapist and couples counsellor Dr Samantha Rodman Whiten has written that if given a choice between only them reaching orgasm or only their partner, most men say they'd rather their partner got off. It's a major red flag if this guy just doesn't care about your pleasure when you're supposed to be connecting as a couple.
These articles touch on it and are worth a read:
6 reasons you think men are selfish in bed

What men think about sex versus reality

6 Reasons That You Think Men Are Selfish In Bed

I wrote a post on reasons that men think that women don’t enjoy sex, which helped many male readers understand how their own experiences make them believe something that isn’t true. This companion post is designed to help women understand their own bia...

https://www.drpsychmom.com/most-men-bad-in-bed

DivorcedAndDelighted · 18/10/2024 08:38

WizardOfAus · 17/10/2024 17:14

To be honest I know a few guys with similar numbers!

oh come on… you believe them?
any “man” that boasts about his virility is lying and guaranteed to be a shit shag.

People can disclose their sexual history without it being boasting, though. I would not assume that he's lying, but I would guess that he's a good-looking guy who's not had to try too hard.

Original poster
Addictedtohotbaths · 18/10/2024 10:51

DivorcedAndDelighted · 18/10/2024 08:33

Agree that excessive porn use makes men bad in bed. Here's an article all about it, aimed at men :
https://www.drpsychmom.com/how-do-you-treat-your-wife-after-using-porn/

Nb I'm not sponsored by Dr Psych Mom, I just think she's brilliant!

Thank you that’s a great article.

OP posts:
Original poster
Addictedtohotbaths · 18/10/2024 10:51

DivorcedAndDelighted · 18/10/2024 08:38

People can disclose their sexual history without it being boasting, though. I would not assume that he's lying, but I would guess that he's a good-looking guy who's not had to try too hard.

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Attractive, probably more in youth. Very funny / charming.

OP posts:
username3678 · 18/10/2024 12:44

Addictedtohotbaths · 18/10/2024 10:51

Thank you that’s a great article.

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You didn't think it was full of clichés?

Polkad · 18/10/2024 12:56

He sounds awful.
Don't doubt yourself.

Original poster
Addictedtohotbaths · 18/10/2024 13:17

username3678 · 18/10/2024 12:44

You didn't think it was full of clichés?

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Not particularly

OP posts:
rubberduck68 · 18/12/2024 09:16

Addictedtohotbaths · 17/10/2024 16:57

Yes I think you could be right. He likes it rough (which I do like) but there was an off feeling and he would put his hand on my throat which I know people have their views on both ways but it didn’t seem like he was capable of loving sex.

Show quote history

"he would put his hand on my throat"? With consent? It's not okay to do this without prior verbal consent. I have had this from some men of late, and it's really starting to concern me. Also, that "off" feeling is you feeling uncomfortable with a man during your most vulnerable time with him. I'd run.

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