Ended due to selfish in bed - was it a mistake

[Addictedtohotbaths]

I’ve just ended my relationship (mainly) due to him being very selfish in bed.

Outside of the bedroom he was so loving and affectionate but I felt like almost invisible when having sex.

Usually I’m very active / dominant / adventurous and it sucked all my confidence away in bed with him as he seemed to have very little interest in my enjoyment. It made me feel so shit and angry.

I can’t work out how he could be so amazing in other ways and affectionate but not in bed.

Yes he does watch lots of porn in case that is a factor. I did highlight that when we broke up.

Was it a mistake to end it should I have tried to communicate better about my needs / suggest counselling?

he’s been very stressed and tired with work so I take on board that would have an impact but he was still able to get his fill from it.

I would say you did the right thing by ending it. Watching a lot of porn is not good and imo this is the reason he’s rubbish in bed and it would only have got worse.

I know it’s not exactly the same thing but I have a gay male friend in his 50s and I reckon his numbers is in the thousands.

He went on a stag do to Bournemouth a few weeks ago and shagged 8 men in one weekend. He uses Grindr where it’s possible to find men who want to hook up almost instantly.

Me and other friends have been on nights out with him when he’s disappeared with someone, plus he’s not the bragging type so I do believe him. He’s a close friend, he doesn’t broadcast his conquests.

The number of people some men have sex with are honestly mind blowing. I’ve known women who enjoy casual sex but never on the same kind of scale.

I imagine it is harder for someone who has slept with so many people to see sex in an ' intimate ' and 'special' way. To be honest, it would put me off anyway as I would worry that I was being compared to Louise/Clare/Rachel etc.. I think you deserve someone less selfish.

I think you did the right thing. There wasn’t a physical connection and the resentment would build and build and build

Don't doubt yourself Op, you told him what was wrong, he tried then went back to his previous poor performance. All those ONS he didn't care if they enjoyed it, now he's stuck in a cycle of just pleasing himself and he couldn't be bothered to change. Sadly for him now he's in his 50s he's going to find ONS pretty thin on the ground, hopefully he'll learn something from you dumping him

Bloody hell. That is a horrifying 100% dealbreaker right there - the hand on the throat business. Especially since you didn't agree it with him first.

I would never believe anyone who says they have slept with 300 people. How has he keep count of that? Has he been updating a spreadsheet at regular intervals for years and years? I'm not saying that it isn't possible to have slept with 300 people, but that someone would have lost count long ago if they had actually done it. I would have thought about 20 people + is when people lose exact count. So either he is a crap shag (well, he is, you already know that) and no-one wanted a second encounter with him, or he is talking bollocks.

That number would put me off big time

He clearly treats women as objects rather than trying to find out how to keep them happy inside and outside of the bedroom

Did you mean to say he was a big dick?

He’s also slept with about 300 women, so it can’t be lack of experience.

Chinny reckon 🤔

And any man talking about how many women he’d shagged would give me the immediate ick anyway, he wouldn’t even make it to the bedroom.

Have you tried doing more chores around the house?
(That's usually the Mumsnet advice in this type of situation.)

Reckon he added an 00

Sounds like your mate is a shit shag,
too.

Did you ask him if he was from Boston (him being a ''strangler'')?

One conversation about them being attentive to your needs is bad enough. But if they aren't mortified and determined to change that then they're just using you as a wank sock. They clearly don't care about your needs.

I hope you told him clearly why he was getting the elbow.

He is either a huge fantasist or he will have sex with anything that breathes (yuck) either way he is rubbish in bed, and he has a penchant for strangling you.

You obviously don't love each other, so, if you are happy to settle, stay.
If you want someone who respects you out and IN the bedroom, which is a huge part of most relationships, he obviously isn't the one.

Obviously many of the women didn't want a repeat performance

300+?
More than once?

Nobody can tell you whether it was a mistake or not- it depends how you feel/ regret it and how much you miss everything outside of the sex

@Addictedtohotbaths He’s also slept with about 300 women!!! if he was a woman he would be a right slapper!!! you are well rid of that one. now just go and get every std test available!! he will have or had something at some point!!

I said how did you have relationships and he said he didn’t want relationships just to get his end away.

I wrongly assumed that was in his youth and he had matured…

Many men exaggerate their number of sexual partners as they think the higher the number they quote, the more masculine they seem and the more attractive they appear, but they’re wrong. The best sex I’ve had is with someone who had slept with 4 women previous to me, and the worst was with someone who bragged he had been with almost 100.

I think it’s likely your ex is lying about his number, either that or I would be questioning is the number so high because no one wants to be in a relationship with him or keep going back for repeats, so he keeps changing partners 🤣

No one needs counselling to be less selfish in bed.

I've definitely dumped guys for being bad in bed. You did the right thing.

I will miss all the good bits but a good sex life is too important.

There were other things too, very moody at times / dumping emotionally on me so it probably was for the best regardless of the shite sex.