Together 15+ years. How’s your relationship?

[Gymmum82]

Dh and I together 16 years. Married 12. We bumble along ok. But I feel the closeness has gone.
We rarely have sex, admittedly my sex drive has upped and left since perimenopause hit.
I feel like we’re more good friends nowadays. Is this normal?
Many of my friends either haven’t been together as long or have gotten divorced and are now in the throes of new and exciting relationships and I guess I feel a bit jealous? Or just like I don’t really know what’s normal anymore.
Dh is not a talker and would never agree to counselling or anything like that and I definitely am not looking for divorce or separation or a new relationship. I just don’t really know how to get that connection back which i feel is missing.

Anyone care to share what your relationships are like 15 + years in?

Married 20, together 25.

The spark has gone.

For us though we've survived infidelity(his). I discovered it years later.
We did marriage guidance sessions which helped massively and the hysterical bonding was great.

I have thyroid issues and my sex drive was non existent for ages.
It's come back with a vengeance this month though and we've been talking more.

Marriage takes work.

I'd be forcing a conversation TBH. Effort needs to be put in from both sides for things to work.

17 years together (had to count). Second marriage, empty nest. The best it’s ever been to be honest.

Together 16 years married 11

Very close still, have great times together weekends away holidays nights out

We had a very rough patch last year with a few external factors in play but we worked through it

Genuinely like him and excited for the next step/stage in our life

18 years and I'm miserable

17 years on and the best it’s ever been. We are comfortable together and know each other so well. I love the very bones of him.

Been together 10 years. Second time around. Survived one affair after a prolonged spell of online cheating (hers, not mine). Took years for her to admit to the affair. I developed erectile dysfunction after that for a long spell due to anxiety. That didn't help matters.

Anyway, stuck together. Things are better now but I wish we were better friends. That's what I'd like most of all.

20 years. Best friends, brilliant parents, not lovers though. Very little intimacy, not sure how to get it back. Seems almost unnatural now.

26 years together, married for 21 this month. We are content. We laugh a lot and still find lots to talk about. We don’t raise our voices at each other. When we disagree on something or one of us annoys the other, we sulk a bit for a few hours and then one or both of us apologises and we move on.

We have lost the crazed lust of the early years and my sex drive upped and left a while ago. He is very patient and doesn’t pester (nor seek sex elsewhere). Intimacy is the only thing I worry about really. I could happily never bother ever again and I dare say he would accept that, but it would feel unfair to him. So I’m still trying to work out what to do about that.

But aside from that, it’s lovely. He is the first person I tell things to. He understands me so well, which isn’t always straightforward as I’m a weirdo who obsesses and overthinks and is prone to out-of-proportion anxiety.

One of the most wonderful things about being with him for such a long time is seeing him as a father. He is a really excellent dad. He was brilliant when they were babies and toddlers and little children- always fun and cheery and supportive of them. And he is a great dad now to them as older teens. In particular, I think he’s an excellent role model for our son which makes me really happy.

I luffs him, I do. Apologies for the nauseating phrase but he really is my ‘person’.

15 years. We got together young so are now in our thirties in the throes of life with young kids. We have very little time alone together but we make the most of what we have! I feel like we're a team and pulling in the same direction.

My sex drive is back now but was very low for a prolonged period during pregnancy and breastfeeding (which I did back to back with three kids over seven years, so it really was prolonged!). We did talk about it a lot though so my husband knew that I wanted to want sex, I just didn't because of how my hormones were.

Does your husband know how you feel about sex and perimenopause and so on? Do you aim to have more sex at some point? (No need to answer here, but I mean are you both on the same page about it.) I instigated sex about once a month even when my drive was very low, although I wasn't gagging for it I still wanted to have sex with my husband if that makes sense, and I did always enjoy it when we got going. He didn't instigate at all because he didn't want to pressure me bless him.

If your husband wants a healthy marriage then he's going to have to talk at least a bit! Do any churches near you run The Marriage Course? It's not just for Christians, it's run to support anyone's marriage (there's not a faith based element to it). It is done entirely in couples (no group anything), would he go for something like that as an investment in your relationship? It's great for scaffolding awkward conversations, it does cover sex and also money, in laws, different styles of conflict etc.

18 years and just had a surprise baby 14 years after our last one. He's my best friend and I don't think I could love him anymore. Go together young and grew together.

@Waitingfordoggo so lovely to hear a positive story. Long live love 😘

30 years, married 25. I probably should have bailed 10 years ago.
I think we're both lazy, there's no emotional communication he just got fully into his hobbies and I sadly fell into a wine bottle.
We've just had a massive row so perhaps this is the start of a new chapter together with more talk.
I mostly dislike how the loneliness has made me quite bitter or isolated from friends and family, so it's not just about the two of you.

30 years together, 26 married, while we may not do it as often , the zing is still there.
He's my favourite person

We've been together for 27 years and married for 21. We're really happy - I still think he's awesome and love spending time with him. Our sex life isn't what it used to be though.

Not quite there yet but 11 years for us. Couldn't imagine life without him, he's my best friend and the most loving husband. Still gives me butterflies 🥰

Married 30 years this December. Still get a little zing of excitement / lust / love when I see him unexpectedly, or when collecting from an airport / train station.Of course he's a pain in the derriere sometimes (as am I), but he is my best friend and I love every single bit of him.

Together 20 years , 3 children . We have dealt with a lot , our youngest two being diagnosed with autism, being made homeless and depression . I absolutely love him to bits , intimacy comes and goes , it’s not great at the minute due to teenagers, but I can’t imagine being with anyone else , I’m 51.

Been married for 22+ years. He complains that it's like living with his sister, which seems a shame.

34years together. Living together since first date ( He never went home!!!l
Great. We've had our ups and downs over the years bit the lat 15 years ha e been fun

He makes me laugh, he has my back and he makes me feel safe.
He will drop everything to support our adult children no matter what.
We are good together.
In fact I've had a dilemma today and he has put everything aside to come and get me

I am 16 married, 18 together (second husband).
Yeah, perimenopause doesn't help closeness, mood, or will with intimacy - I get it.
I love my husband millions however - though he annoys me hugely on occasion (!) SO I went to the doctor. I told her all about my lack of desire etc. She prescribed me antidepressants and I take half a tablet a day. Worked a treat! 😊

Almost 17 years. Absolutely adore her and feel incredibly lucky to have her. (I think she'd say the same about me.) We laugh a lot and both of us share a huge commitment to our respective lines of work (though we are looking forward to retiring in the next 5 years) which helps compatibility. As 2 post-menopausal women, we don't have sex as often as we used to but still quite regularly and very happily.

Married 15 years, together 20, we were young when we got together so still only mid 30s, kids teen/pre teen age. He's very much my best friend, good sex life. We have had to work at it over the years largely because my husband struggles to communicate and being young we both had a lot of growing up to do, learning about ourselves as well as each other, but we are happy, face the world together, he's my favourite person, lots of shared dreams and ambitions. I do think we are a lot happier than many of the couples I see around us, I feel very lucky.

(Very nervous about perimenopause, I am a different person when I am hormonal, struggled with PND and PMT over the years, very scared I'm going to lose myself and the impact that could have on a marriage).

This has certainly made me feel much better about my situation e.g. normal!

@limapie, if your husband is a good egg, he’ll hopefully be a good support to you- mine is. It’s like any other difficult life stage that most long-term couples will come up against- pregnancy and babies (sleepless nights!), house moves and job changes, illnesses, including mental illness, bereavements, difficult stages with kids/teenagers, perimenopause… My DH and I have supported each other through all of this, and of course it isn’t always easy, but it is always worth it, because my DH is a good person and I love him.

Hopefully your perimenopause won’t feel too unmanageable. My mood change was awful- I could cope with the flashes of rage (just take myself off somewhere for a brisk walk!) but the feeling of doom and terror first thing in the morning upon waking, was really awful. HRT has helped me massively, but I know it’s not for everyone.