Together 15+ years. How’s your relationship?

[Gymmum82]

Dh and I together 16 years. Married 12. We bumble along ok. But I feel the closeness has gone.
We rarely have sex, admittedly my sex drive has upped and left since perimenopause hit.
I feel like we’re more good friends nowadays. Is this normal?
Many of my friends either haven’t been together as long or have gotten divorced and are now in the throes of new and exciting relationships and I guess I feel a bit jealous? Or just like I don’t really know what’s normal anymore.
Dh is not a talker and would never agree to counselling or anything like that and I definitely am not looking for divorce or separation or a new relationship. I just don’t really know how to get that connection back which i feel is missing.

Anyone care to share what your relationships are like 15 + years in?

Ps yay to all those still in love, hugs to people struggling x

Married 21 years. Still having great sex. Have discovered mdma - amazing !

I think you have to work a marriage like you do a job. Then it’s really good.

Been together 15 years and our relationship sounds exactly like OP.
We're more like good friends. Sex has amicably fizzled out and neither of us brings up the subject.
We have nice meals out, days away and holidays.

Your post has got me wondering if I'm perimenopausal. Every single morning I wake filled with absolute dread, I wake with terrible mind chatter,, very negative thoughts. Also mood swings, going from extremely overwhelmed and easily triggered - to almost crying thinking of my kids as babys and how they are now teens/preteens. Also noticed my cycle has went from 26 days to 19/20. I just assumed at 38 I was too young 😮☹

Together 18 years, married for 16, we have 2 teenagers.

I admire my husband, he's very out of my league looks wise, successful, very kind and caring, clever and a fantastic dad, husband, son, brother and son in law. He is the whole package and we have amazing conversations and deal with everything life throws at us which has been a lot. He loves me and is very loyal, generous and affectionate and supports me to achieve things in my life and career.

The downside is we don't have sex which is killing me. My sex drive has recently returned so I'm really struggling. He has said he no longer has a sex drive and is happy with things the way they are.

I focus on the nice house and good living situation so I don't see myself leaving or doing anything that would jeopardise that or disrupt our lives.

22 years, married 16.

first 8 years great then we had a child and it got tough. Very tough. Sex dwindled to almost nothing and now we haven’t had full sex for 3 years. We had a bit of a fumble recently after a bottle of wine each which was actually quite nice! Been a bit more tactile recently so maybe that has sparked the spark again! Who knows…..

We get on well though, have nice holidays and parent well together.

We don’t have a great deal in common now though. Seperate interests.

He had some contact with an ex a few years ago which I stumbled on. That set us back a. Bit and whilst I decided to stay, it hurt even though it wasn’t sexual.

Life isn’t always how you dreamt it would be. However maybe expectations don’t have to be so high and most people have these struggles and challenges.

@newyear2024 You are young but it’s not impossible to have perimenopause symptoms at your age. Might be worth a chat with your GP.

Been together nearly 20 years and had our only DC 3 years ago.

We have always been happy together and now as parents we have what feels like an almost unbreakable bond.

I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else.

If you luffs him, then shag him, for God's sake! Gird your loins, lol! Sounds like you have an amazing man, so make the effort!

All the happy marriages on here make me wistful. My husband turned out to be deeply emotionally abusive. I wish I'd married someone normal and had the happy-ever-after that many posters here have.

Been with my Mr for very nearly 8 years and our sex life is still fantastic he's my soul mate my best friend I would never leave I can't see it changing our sex life has gotten better and better

Together just under 15 years and marrying soon. Got together as teens but we are still very happy together. Occasional annoyances which I deal with by daydreaming of having no ties at all and travelling the world solo 😜 but usually he is like my best friend but I still feel the romance is there!

for what it’s worth, I know lots of people in long term relationships like mine and none of them seem to be having lots of exciting sex regularly! I think life is quite full so if you aren’t someone who has a really high sex drive, you are probably having it less regularly when you reach a decade in!

Together 18 years, married 12, 3 kids.

Honestly, it's not great. Going from being a professional, career oriented person to the mother, dependent, wife, really to its toll on our dynamic. The feeling of inequality, the power shift, the mental load, it really wasn't something I was prepared for at all and the effects are pretty significant. Lots of resentment and very little connection. Feels like we're business partners, room-mates. I really miss the connection and intimacy but we have a lot of repair to do before that's back on the cards. My sex drive disappeared after first child and then secondary infertility so that didn't help, although I was always more into sex than dh.

We're in fortnight therapy. It's hard, but we're both committed to it and want us to work. Under all the shit we do really love each other, value each other, and want to be together. I know that once the kids are grown we'll have the chance to be a bit more free to spend time together, but we can't wait for that, the relationship needs to be mended and nurtured right now.

I really relate to a lot of these posts. The familiarity after so many years can really affect how sexy someone appears to me, so I'm keen to explore ways to introduce unfamiliarity or spontaneity as otherwise it does feel like I'm trying to be intimate with a family member.

Been together 30 years married for 21 and we are mid 40s.

We get on well, happy to get out and do things together and we have a laugh.

It's been a hard road in the last 5/6 years. He moved out for 4 years (another woman) we've had bereavement serious illnesses, financial difficulties and housing problems.

We have two teens the youngest of which has been a real handful.

I've supported him emotionally and financially. Dragged him through severe depression as I truly believed he was going to commit suicide. Currently working through his alcohol dependence.

I'm the main wage earner and accountant for the family. I sort the house and teens out.

Life is not what I thought it would be in our 40s.

There is no intimacy between us since he left and then came back. We are good friends and don't argue.

It does all feel one way though and I tend to deal with my emotions on my own.

Together 35 years, married 32, we’re both mid-fifties. 2 adult DC who have left home.

I got up first this morning to let him sleep in for a change and he’s just come to find me having breakfast, greeted me with a ‘Good morning lovely girl.’, a cuddle and a kiss on the head. Just about sums it up really. We’re still very affectionate and loving and want to make the other happy. He told me last week, ‘I’m so glad that we’re still in love with each other.’ We are. He’s my best friend but I still fancy him like mad. He makes me laugh and is on my side. There’s no one I’d rather spend time with. We still have regular sex and it’s better than ever, especially now that the years of keeping the noise down because the teenagers were prowling around the house at all hours are gone! He shows me in loads of small ways each day that he loves me and I hope he sees the same in me.

We do- but not frequently. It’s not really about effort for me though- it’s a bit more complicated!

Married 44 years next week and we, usually enjoy a twice a week average. We've had our "dry" spells but talking is key.
We respect each others boundaries as well, which, for me, would be a real turn off.
Life is not always rosy so telling my DH when I'm feeling sad/upset/angry (suspect he's ND) is important for a conversation to start.

22 years, married 18 years.

Not always a smooth ride as we are both difficult people (!) but our teens are doing alright, we have lots to talk about and although not sex crazed we still do it and look forward to it every weekend! In fact there is a little frisson in the air this lunchtime as we know tonight is the night ...

Very close emotionally and know each other very deeply.

Drive each other mad sometimes and occasional quite bad phases of fantasising about divorce - but these are only fantasies in bad patches - if this ever actually happened we would both be totally broken and lost.

I wish he was more x and y, he wishes I were more a and b, but we have learned to live with that - after all we do not exist on this earth just to be someone else's ideal.

And also increasing over time is a knowledge that we are together to make each other's lives better and support each other, help each other grow and develop and move forward in life. Rather than competing with each other and resenting each other for not being totally perfect (see above!)