Friends affair with a married man - my opinions changed

[yellowsnowman]

My close friend of 10+ years confided in me recently that she's been having an affair with a married man for the last 2 months.

We've always been close but due to work and other commitments we just haven't seen each other very much lately and decided to have a catch up over the weekend which is when she told me. It made sense as she has been more quiet than usual, slow replies etc.

Apparently they met online, some dating app I think. He only lives around the corner from her with his wife and kids.

Is it wrong that my opinion of her has somewhat changed?
I feel guilty for some reason, maybe because we've been friends for a long time and she's not actually done anything to hurt me but I still think it's a shitty thing to do to someone else. I've never taken an interest in married/taken men myself and I don't really understand the appeal. I guess she sees something in him though but I don't think it's love, just an attraction or something.

It leaves a bad taste in the mouth doesn't it. When younger, I was of the opinion 'she( the non married affair partner) hasn't made any promises to anyone, it's all on the married one, but older, wiser and married myself I agree with you it's a bit shitty and I can see why you're question her morals. Especially if this is just a fling and she's not stupid enough to think he'll leave his wife for her.

You're allowed to have whatever opinion you like. I wouldn't have much respect for a friend who chose to have an affair.

It's definitely left a sour taste yes, surprised because it just doesn't seem like her. But how well do you really know someone I guess.

I got the feeling from our conversation, that it's just a bit of fun, nothing serious which in some way seems worse to me because they're both willing to destroy a family/marriage over just sex.

I can see why he likes her though as he's 36 and she's younger (we're both mid 20s)

If you are close I would tell her how you feel. If you don’t your opinion of her has already changed and your friendship may fade anyway. Telling her allows you to be honest and it may give her a kick to end a fling with cheaty mccheater.

I think people can fuck up and then grow from the experience. So I would tell her and hope she has an epiphany. Literature and films portray affairs as sexy and exciting. They don’t show the harsh reality and damage they cause. Or the poor characteristics of married people who think cheating is acceptable.

I think affairs are back of the back shed - snogging spotty Simon from year 10 who’s going out with Claire. All a bit grim and seedy. Sneaky, sly, syphilitic Simon was never a turn on, just a bit of a saddo.

He only lives around the corner from her with his wife and kids.
I mean .. this takes a special kind of stupidity, doesn't it? Even if you could somehow get past the shabby behaviour of having an affair, having an affair with someone who lives round the corner is just spectacularly stupid. (On both their parts).

I agree. You realise your values are very different. She is someone who can do that to another woman. I wouldn't want s friend like that. It just wouldn't sit well with me.

Hmm similar to a good friend and colleague who was sleeping with our boss. Yes it changed how I felt about her. She was single. He had been with his long term partner since 2006 and apparently he’s had multiple affairs since his first kid was born. Whilst he appears a kind family man I actually think it’s all an act. He only loves himself and is thinking with his dick. As for my friend - I’ve stepped back from chatting to her now as it’s awkward. Him too unless it relates to work.

Is she single? That may be why she can justify it to herself.

It usually comes from bewilderingly low self esteem on the part of the OW. Often OW hide it [their low self esteem] very well through pretend confidence and/or indifference.

But more often than not it's low self worth and feeling like relationships (real ones) are something that is meant for "other people" and not something they deserve.

That being said, It's very rare that anyone can find compassion for the OW which is understandable. So yes I would say your feelings are probably completely normal.

I know that life is not black and white and other people’s family life might be very complicated and so on and so on but deep down I can’t justify affair with someone who’s married. It just shows for me lack of principles and selfishness - I do what I want and don’t care how it affects others. So I would feel the same as you. If it’s a really good old friend I would tell her how you feel about it.

Given she knows his situation and that he was using a dating app to look for others, I think it's safe to say your friend does not value herself very much at all.
She must have big issues to be up for the scraps that he'll be giving her. He most likely knows it too and can treat her however he likes. Sad all round really. She's very desperate to date such a twat. Not sure I'd dump the friendship for it, but I'd not be able to hold back trying to make her see sense for her own good.

Why does her being younger means he likes her?

One of my best friends of over 20 years has been having a shit time the last few years. Finally announced she was leaving her shitty relationship has been seeing someone a couple of months who may as well be married and has 2 kids who i think are late teens.

He briefly left his partner and was back within a week. She is still seeing him. I honestly don't get it. I love my friend but hate what she's doing. She believes every word he says and seems to think he is trapped in a loveless relationship due to his kids. Believes he hasn't slept with his partner for over a year. It's frustrating. I've tried to gently tell her and she won't listen. I've definitely seen her in a different light.

Tell her how you feel. It might be a bit of fun for her but will lead to utter devastation for his wife and children 😔 you're allowed to say you think that's awful. Your friend is young now and free to do what she wants - one day she will probably be a wife and mother, she should think about his wife and how it would feel to have your life blown apart.

I actually told my friend today, you're going to fall in love with him and he's still not going to leave his partner. Also that I wouldn't believe in a thousand years he's not sleeping with her and he's actually being worse to his kids having an affair than he would be leaving their mam as he's putting her health at risk. I'm 100% sure she's not the first and won't be the last. We live in a small town.

I totally understand how your opinion of her has changed OP. About this time last year I caught up with a friend who was bubbling to tell me all about her new Man next time she saw me (we were at an event that wasn't suitable to get stuck into a good catch up).

I found out a few days later from someone else that her 'new Man' was actually the Husband of a Woman she worked with, that she'd be seeing for months. Maybe longer. He'd just left his family, leaving Wife and children devastated but her crowing about her New Man as if she'd won some sort of amazing prize.

I asked her if it was true. She confirmed it was. We haven't seen each other or had a conversation since. All respect I ever had for her dissolved in that moment, and I've no interest in being friends with someone I don't respect.

Your friend is gross. Drop her like a hot potato.

Yes this would certainly change my opinion of my friend. On Mumsnet it seems we are supposed to stick by our friends whatever they do, but it would be very hard for me.

She’s grim and I don’t think I could be friends with her.

Oh god hope its not my DH! Hes 36 and has form! 😳 (we have 3 kids) Imagine me finding out on here 🤣😳🤣
My DH had an affair a few years ago (well I say affair my hacking skills and following my instinct, meant I found out not long after it started, it had barely took off and she had already called it off by that point before it went serious, she is married too) and 2 years on were still working through some of the betrayal. Trust mainly.

Not only that, she will tell him absolutely everything that you tell her. Don't think she'll keep anything from him. She will be feeding him nuggets of information - you should really distance yourself from her.

I have definitely considered it, if I'm honest. I'm not rightingthis to recieve judgement. The small insight I have to this is that I was going through a bit of a hard time myself having felt a bit invisible, feeling a bit done with being good and it getting me nowhere (I'm my head) and meeting everyone's needs but my own. I'm aware of the irony of it.

But what was being offered to me was not a guy round the corner - different town, limited come back (no known connections), hot sex, ego boost. I didn't do it.

I don't know how, or even if, you tackle this with her, but as above PP have mentioned, it's likely coming from a place of low self esteem, feeling like something is lacking even if she is not clear what it is herself. Going for someone round the corner is even more self destructive.

If you think your friendship is unlikely to survive this, then I think give her some straight talk about just how destructive this choice is before you go, even if she's not the one who is the married person in the scenario. If you are feeling charitable, tell her the door is open if she sees the light.

If they met online then it suggests that there was no emotional connection, and if he’s married, they were both only looking for a physical relationship. If this is what your friend was really looking for then it begs the question of why she didn’t connect with someone single? My opinion of her would be influenced by whether she is just having a sexual relationship with this man, knowing that he is married.

For me I think I could still be a friend but I wouldn't really trust her. Not much of a friendship I suppose.

I’ve known 3 women who have done this, and it’s made me see them differently too, it’s made me realise who they actual are under the veneer. All 3 of them are selfish and actually rate themselves very highly. Ive walked away from them all, their morals are in the gutter. I don’t like cheats.