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Original poster

Friends affair with a married man - my opinions changed

70 replies

yellowsnowman · 15/10/2024 20:41

My close friend of 10+ years confided in me recently that she's been having an affair with a married man for the last 2 months.

We've always been close but due to work and other commitments we just haven't seen each other very much lately and decided to have a catch up over the weekend which is when she told me. It made sense as she has been more quiet than usual, slow replies etc.

Apparently they met online, some dating app I think. He only lives around the corner from her with his wife and kids.

Is it wrong that my opinion of her has somewhat changed?
I feel guilty for some reason, maybe because we've been friends for a long time and she's not actually done anything to hurt me but I still think it's a shitty thing to do to someone else. I've never taken an interest in married/taken men myself and I don't really understand the appeal. I guess she sees something in him though but I don't think it's love, just an attraction or something.

OP posts:
AW24 · 16/10/2024 16:13

Has she no self respect being the other woman??

leia24 · 16/10/2024 16:19

Like a previous poster when I wss younger I thought 'well she hasn't made any promises to anyone, it's on him'. Now having been the partner who was at home while man was having a long term affair, I feel really differently about the whole thing. I think that comes with age and life experience sometimes and also like others have said it's confidence and self worth related.

IDontHateRainbows · 16/10/2024 16:41

Sounds like if you are in a small town it will all come crashing down on her head at some point, if he inevitably goes back to his wife and people find out (sounds like she's not exactly being discreet about it) they will judge her and distance themselves. All for a bit of a shag - hope she thinks its worth it.

Attelina · 16/10/2024 16:46

Is drop her like a hot potato.

I don't want people lacking in morals in my life. Let them carry on their sordid affair causing misery for others without me to turn to when they end up getting hurt.

AdviceNeeded2024 · 16/10/2024 16:49

YourMommaWasASnowblower · 16/10/2024 16:02

I’ve known 3 women who have done this, and it’s made me see them differently too, it’s made me realise who they actual are under the veneer. All 3 of them are selfish and actually rate themselves very highly. Ive walked away from them all, their morals are in the gutter. I don’t like cheats.

Likewise, although two not three. Both acting like it somehow made them superior and ‘worth it’. Both social media obsessed and chasing likes constantly as well. Made me realise they were self absorbed and doing it as some kind of validation. Said some horrible things about the wife/partner of the person they were having an affair with which is too much in my eyes. Lower than low.

Comtesse · 16/10/2024 17:09

My friends have got up to all sorts of dubious behaviour over the years, but it never affected my judgement on them.

ginasevern · 16/10/2024 18:19

Comtesse · 16/10/2024 17:09

My friends have got up to all sorts of dubious behaviour over the years, but it never affected my judgement on them.

It depends on the "dubious behaviour" doesn't it and whether it resonates with your principles. If you found something particularly distasteful (and there must be something) then surely they would go down in your estimation - it's only human nature.

Dery · 16/10/2024 21:44

“Noseybookworm · Yesterday 22:27

Tell her how you feel. It might be a bit of fun for her but will lead to utter devastation for his wife and children 😔 you're allowed to say you think that's awful. Your friend is young now and free to do what she wants - one day she will probably be a wife and mother, she should think about his wife and how it would feel to have your life blown apart.”

This with bells on. And this suggestion that it’s due to low self-esteem is complete and utter bollocks. Deciding you’re going to sleep with a married man and be the reason he lies to his wife - deciding the social rules about not sleeping with a married person don’t apply to you - that’s a sign of high self esteem. Also, as you say - the fact that it’s a bit of fun makes it worse not better. She could have a bit of fun with a single guy.

MaxTalk · 16/10/2024 21:59

Not sure why it's a reflection of low self esteem at all. We don't know her or her mindset.

It may be a reflection of high confidence just as easily?

OhDearMuriel · 16/10/2024 22:02

It would definitely change my opinion of her for good.
She's a self-centered shallow woman.

johnson39 · 16/10/2024 22:06

She would not longer be a friend of mine, clearly has very low values and doesn't care that she could potentially ruin a family with kids lives. That's shitty and desperate .

catlesslady · 16/10/2024 22:11

In my 20s I had 2 friends who were seeing older, married men. At the time I felt I should be the 'cool' friend and although it didn't sit right with me I told myself only the man was at any fault. Now I think my gut feeling was right.

One of them I think was lied to and believed that the marriage was over before she came on the scene but he stayed in the family home for the sake of the children. She ended things immediately when she heard that his wife was pregnant again (proving that he lied about them not having slept together for years). The other was a colleague having an affair with another colleague starting when his wife was pregnant. She knew that he was claiming to his wife and everyone else that he was happily married but really enjoyed the thrill of sneaking around, and the idea that she was somehow so irresistible that he was prepared to risk his marriage to spend time with her. I judge them differently

darksideofthemoons · 16/10/2024 22:17

I asked her if it was true. She confirmed it was. We haven't seen each other or had a conversation since. All respect I ever had for her dissolved in that moment, and I've no interest in being friends with someone I don't respect

Its this isnt it? of course technically it doesnt affect you but if you cannot have respect for your friend any more then what's the point?

I am not saying anyone has to be perfect of course but I think we all have lines that we wouldnt cross and we are allowed to have an opinion on those who do.

She has every right to continue having the affair. You have every right not to want to be her friend any more. I dont think I could either.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 16/10/2024 22:17

OW absolutely are not suffering from low self esteem. On the contrary, OW are supremely arrogant individuals who are smugly satisfied at being able to snare someone else’s husband.

I actually know several women who, having been cheated on, have then gone on to have affairs with married men. Their reasoning seems to be that if someone else could sleep with their husband then why shouldn’t they do the same.

I wouldn’t actively end the friendship, but I would tell her in no uncertain terms what I thought of what she was doing, and would be prepared to lose the friendship as consequence.

And no I absolutely wouldn’t be waiting to offer support when it all went wrong, because there is not a single person out there who hasn’t heard it all before - about how he’s married for the kids/they’re not sleeping together/he’s going to leave his wife and the script goes on. So when an OW, any OW (or OM if it comes to that), chooses to sleep with a married man/woman, they know exactly what they’re doing.

And yes, in theory it’s the man or woman who made the vows, but the woman knows that he made those vows, so she’s equally complicit.

Whatisthisifound · 16/10/2024 22:17

I'm not surprised your opinion of her has changed. What she's doing is horrible. Of course, he is worse as he's the married one, but she still has a responsibility to behave with humanity.

FoxyPickles · 16/10/2024 22:23

I would end the friendship. This isnt a one time mistake, this is an ongoing deliberate choice.

It indicates a character that is inherently selfish, gets a thrill out of lying and sneaking around and has no regard for anyone else's feelings but her own.

If thats the kind of person she really is, I wouldnt trust her as far as I could throw her in terms of our "friendship" and she could just as easily betray me.

Newmember147 · 16/10/2024 22:29

I also agree I’d struggle to maintain the friendship.
My BiL had an affair and left his wife and 2 young children for a woman he’d met on an adults weekend at Butlins, and moved in within a month.
He struggles to realise why I don’t want anything to do with the new girlfriend. I’ve explained I don’t like women with no morals. They are not my kind of people.

Elasticatedtrousers · 17/10/2024 06:33

It would change my opinion of her.

i would be utterly clear to her on the consequences for his betrayed wife. I’d be clear that he is abusing his wife through gaslighting, lying and manipulation. I would tell her he is a risk to her sexual health as well as his wife who has no agency over that. I would explain that he (and herself by proxy) are removing the right to informed sexual consent from his partner and her personal agency.

She is sleeping with an abuser.

I probably would have little to do with her ever again but I couldn’t not make it very clear just how utterly nasty affairs are.

Jaybail · 20/10/2024 11:18

It's understandable to get involved with someone if your friend didn't know that her new guy was taken (if they met on a dating app it's not something he'd put on his profile) She does know now. She knows he's married, he has kids, he lives locally. She's not madly in love and unable to see a life without him, she's just having a bit of fun.
A woman having a laugh at the idea of someone else's life shattering, a family breaking up, a home being destroyed - not the kind of person I would want to be friends with at all.
Every one is entitled to make their own choices in life but the road your friend is taking is not one that I could travel with her, I would feel guilty just knowing what she was doing!

Mookytoo · 20/10/2024 11:25

IMO- tell her you think she is wasting her valuable time on a man who is unavailable. And needs to move on to someone she can go on holiday with, go out with friend with, etc.

  1. Wasting her best years
  2. wasting her emotional energy of a nothing-man
  3. He can get sex with a Sex Worker if he needs to “play away” he’s just too cheap
  4. she can easily find an available single man for sex (unless she has issues with single men??)

Anyway, it’s ok to tell her you don’t want to know about it, and you disagree with her choice. It’s unhealthy. Not best thing for her to be doing.

Skyrainlight · 20/10/2024 11:31

My opinion would change, she doesn't have morals that align with the type of person I want as a friend. I would take an enormous step back. And if the married guy has kids, the friendship would be over for good, I don't want the level of selfish that is willing to break up a family in my life.

toomuchfaff · 20/10/2024 11:35

The only way to show her is to go whole hog, start referring to her as the "cum bucket" or something similarly derogatory. After all, he's got no respect for her (or his wife), she's quick, simple & easy for him to get off, hes got to out in no effort, she doesnt gain anything, she will bever be winded or dined, she will always be 2nd place blah blah blah, he's using her. She won't hear any of that but go for the derogatory and it might hit home.

I wouldn't give a damn anyhow, she has shown you who she is, and what her morals are. It could be your husband (in 5 yrs), or are you exempt because you're known? Nope I'm out. tata

darksideofthemoons · 20/10/2024 11:39

The only way to show her is to go whole hog, start referring to her as the "cum bucket" or something similarly derogatory

😂😂😂

Yes and when she tells you thats disrespectful you can tell her you thought she apparently enjoyed women being disrespectful to each other and its clearly not a big deal to her so she shouldn't mind eh?

sarah419 · 20/10/2024 11:44

completely reasonable. i’d actually cut them off - this is a person with questionable moral views and they act upon.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 20/10/2024 11:54

I doubt very much she has thought anything about it breaking up his family. It's just a bit of excitement, doing it behind his DW's back. You can bet that if the DW found out and kicked him out and he was living in a bedsit and your friend had to deal with seeing him with his kids every other weekend that she'd run a mile. That's the problem - it's not real to her, until the sticky stuff hits the fan and then becomes very messy indeed.
I think I'd try to put some of that into her head, but she won't want to hear it and it won't make you popular because it's about fun, isn't it?!