Friends affair with a married man - my opinions changed

[yellowsnowman]

My close friend of 10+ years confided in me recently that she's been having an affair with a married man for the last 2 months.

We've always been close but due to work and other commitments we just haven't seen each other very much lately and decided to have a catch up over the weekend which is when she told me. It made sense as she has been more quiet than usual, slow replies etc.

Apparently they met online, some dating app I think. He only lives around the corner from her with his wife and kids.

Is it wrong that my opinion of her has somewhat changed?
I feel guilty for some reason, maybe because we've been friends for a long time and she's not actually done anything to hurt me but I still think it's a shitty thing to do to someone else. I've never taken an interest in married/taken men myself and I don't really understand the appeal. I guess she sees something in him though but I don't think it's love, just an attraction or something.

This

Unless you are new to MN OP, I think you probably know you're going to get overwhelmed with responses that not only should you completely change your view of your friend, but should cut her off completely and inform the man's wife without delay.

Personally though I think its possible to disapprove of a person's behaviour in one aspect of their life, but take that within the wider context of the whole person. I have friends I've known for a lifetime who've supported me at great personal cost to them, who have pulled me back from the brink and to whom I owe more than I could ever repay. If one disclosed an affair with a married man, I'd be surprised, I'd think she was wrong and I'd worry for her. But I'd love her just the same and there's not a chance I'd end our friendship.

YANBU, I've phased a good friend out for having an affair with a married man. And another who got with a man with a 6 week old baby. Both disgraceful behaviour and it made me actually feel really sad how they were acting.

I feel the same. When someone I know has cheated, I can’t see them in the same way because I feel it says so much about their morals and values.

of someone I know, I feel that if he can’t respect his wife enough to respectfully leave the relationship if he no longer loves her, or can hurt her through such a personal form of deception, and if he can’t remain loyal to his wife and child, then what does that say about him as a person?

i get that people fall out of love or that relationships just don’t work out. That’s life, sadly. It’s just a whole other thing to cheat.

An ex friend of mine had two affairs.

One whilst she was married. The ap was single. She asked me and other friends to lie to her h to cover her whilst she cheated. I didn't lie but her h never asked me anything. I don't know what the friends did.

The other was when she was divorced and the ap was married. He said he'd leave his wife for her for never did. She wasted five years on this skank and really didn't give a shit about what she was enabling.

There are other reasons why I distance myself from her now but these two were big reasons why. Her values are just so far away from mine and I am no saint!

At what point did she find out he was married? 2 months isn't a relationship is it, he's getting his cake and eating it! My opinion of a friend would change to as affairs a massive no-no for me.

This would change my opinion of someone too.

I've lost friends over this. The way I look at it is I want friends that elevate me and I can respect them. If your friend can see nothing wrong with this then that says something about their morals. In the future you'd want to be able to have secure friendships with your partner and your friends but can you ever trust someone with low ethics this way?

I would end a relationship like that. Our morals no longer aline. Also, I see being ow as self harm. Hurting her own reputation and possibly risking her health (from std as well as the wife if they get caught). Jealousy can make a lot of people act irrational, so why put yourself through that?

While she is an ow, she would not be my friend. I would communicate that clearly to her.

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone" ...

Clearly there's issues in her relationship and she's finding solace elsewhere. Lots of people and children could get seriously hurt. I'm not judging as I've been in her situation many, many years ago. She needs to think that this is behind everyone else's back's. She's in the run of causing hearbreak, just for a bit of the other. Its not worth it, it will only end in tears and upset.

I think you should tell her exactly how you feel .tell her it will end badly more then likely she will be the one who gets hurt.
It's so close to home omg she needs to end it.

😂

...Say those who have a dodgy moral compass.

To be honest, it’s not really your business. 🤷‍♀️

That would absolutely affect my feelings about a friend.

She's not innocent in all of this. She is wilfully causing harm and I'd want to distance myself from that.

For me it's less about judging, I'm not perfect myself, but more about protecting myself. I'd be thinking what if they had a way to get ahead but by screwing me over? They've already shown that they will screw someone over to get something they want.

For me, it would depend on the circumstances. I do feel that women that get involved with married men are usually vulnerable and have problems. The married person is more to blame - I'm sure that usually there's an element of manipulation and predatory behaviour that goes along with this scenario. Usually the AP doesn't know about the wife until they've met a few times.

This. It's not about being judgy, or acting morally superior, it's about the fact that if info comes to light that a person isnt actually trustworthy then why should they have access to the private details of my life? they could easily lie to me (or about me) or screw me over for their personal gain.

You can also forgive someone but still not want them in your life and everyone has the right to decide that boundary for themselves.

You are not being unreasonable, I would also judge anyone harshly who did what your friend is doing. Not on.