Subtle Emotional Abuse

[Willhewonthee]

Has anyone experienced an emotionally abusive relationship that does not involve name-calling or overt nastiness, but rather manifests through controlling behaviors such as privacy invasion, restriction of friendships, financial control, manipulation, and guilt-tripping? I am seeking stories similar to my own, as most accounts I find involve physical abuse or explicit verbal degradation. My situation is much more subtle.

This is called coercive control. It is very much abuse, and often extremely subtle until you notice things begin to escalate. How long has this been going on for you?

Yes coercive control, which is a crime and very dangerous.
Contact Women's aid for advice and support.
Start planning on getting out.

Abuse like you describe often creeps up
on people over time. Look at the boiled frog analogy.

Controlling behaviours like the ones described in your post are abusive. There are many different types of abuse and abuse is not just physical in nature. Abuse is about power and control. It may feel more subtle but the emotional damage is immense all the same and such abuse can take years to recover from.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Do read Why does he do that? written by Lundy Bancroft. I think you can read this as a pdf file.

why seek stories and navel gaze about it when you could channel that effort and energy in to leaving this person?

Are you looking for ways to leave OP?

How long have you been with this person? Do you have a family together and could you be financially independent if you left?

Yes. What specifically would you like to know?

It's coercive control.

Get rid. Trust me once he's got you in a major place of vulnerability (totally cut off and isolated) and doesn't have anyone to cut off and has control of everything violence will likely be the next step.

Kick him back down the lane and back into the sea.

I am. I would also like to hear similar stories.

I second reading this book, it'll really help you identify it and understand it's not acceptable.

Also, the book It's not you by Dr Ramani, and check out her YouTube videos. Once you start to see it, you'll realise how much you were putting up with is unacceptable. Sending you strength to get out of the situation.

What a nasty comment

I was, for close on to 20 years. What would you like to know specifically?

Yes.

Yes, my ex was like that, on the whole. His physical abuse was rare and he only became louder towards the end of the marriage but I know now that his emotional abuse and control was always there.

That EA and control was so subtle, just for me. I saw something the other day describing it as a dog whistle - only you can hear it whilst everyone else sees the great guy being the great guy; which makes it all the worse for you, because if you try to call it out you look crazy as it's so easily deniable, then you start to doubt yourself. It is so insidious. It destroys you. My Women's Aid support worker said it can be worse than physical abuse, I agree with her.

What can we help you with @Willhewonthee ?

oh come on
It is the truth
This is a woman being insidiously abused by her husband. No doubt with children looking on too.
The time isn’t for asking about others experiences but instead asking for how people in similar situations got themselves and their children out of the abuse

I never asked for advice on how to leave, I am leaving. I asked for similar stories.

@Willhewonthee

Yes, there's loads of what you describe on here if you look. I am wondering why you haven't looked?

good news

would also be good to hear from women who left their abusive husbands and how wonderful life now is

I have looked, and as I stated in my original post, majority are about violence or name calling etc

Why are you even commenting on here ? If you do not have a story to share, then scroll on by.

No. That's not what I meant at all. I just find it odd that there's no direct route for women in need. It seems that you were looking for help but it didn't open up the correct channels. I would have thought putting your question into Google would have opened up loads of posts and threads about abusive behaviour and directed you to mumsnet.

Way to back a complete stranger politely asking for advice into a corner.
Who are you to tell her what she needs?

It took me a long time to leave because I struggled to label it as abuse. I couldn’t contemplate going to the police because it would have created such huge ramifications for him, and after all without name calling or violence or anything like that, what did I have?

it was incredibly difficult to get over because it was so insidious. I’m still hypervigilant now, over ten years later.

As the Op has clarified, she was not asking for advice

Sorry, I thought Mumsnet forums was used for this type of stuff.