Subtle Emotional Abuse

[Willhewonthee]

Has anyone experienced an emotionally abusive relationship that does not involve name-calling or overt nastiness, but rather manifests through controlling behaviors such as privacy invasion, restriction of friendships, financial control, manipulation, and guilt-tripping? I am seeking stories similar to my own, as most accounts I find involve physical abuse or explicit verbal degradation. My situation is much more subtle.

Are you looking for specific examples of behaviour that is more subtle than name calling and hitting?

It is...absolutely. You have come to the right place but encountered the wrong posters. No idea why you are being redirected by them.
Lots of people come here seeking affirmation about abusive behaviours and others offer their experiences of the same. Don't worry and no sorry required.

😮

Yes. It was directed at me and I noticed it. Others saw it or heard it but still thought he was great. They didn't have the drip, drip, drip effect though. Even the children think he's decent and it's me being the weird emotional one, as he does the "training" when they are at school/work/bedrooms. Tbf I also thought I was the weird emotional one too until I came here and read about other weird emotional women and their important, laid back, funny and ultra relaxed partners who were very busy being very important or very fit or very into gaming.

I'm really sorry people have come here to criticise you. MN can be a great place to find support when you're in an abusive relationship. But you do get the odd bad egg in the mix who posts things that are useless at best, harmful at worst.

I haven't had a relationship quite like you describe but I second reading Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. There's a lot in there about how abuse doesn't have to be overt to seriously affect a person. Someone can be nice as pie a lot of the time but you're still living in fear.

Sorry, I thought Mumsnet forums was used for this type of stuff.

Normally you share YOUR story first, posters offer support, share stories, point you in the right direction of help. Otherwise it smacks of journalism or someone getting their jollies. Abuse is a very personal journey so thinking someone is getting off on it behind the screen makes a lot of women very wary of sharing. Unfortunately those two reasons are becoming more common.

Sabotaging special occasions so there is bad feeling/a row, thus redirecting the focus back on to them.

Having to be the top priority in any arrangement even among a group.

Scoffing at your opinions and 'correcting' them.

Disproportionate anger/irritation/rudeness that you may not confront them about even though it is hurtful and intimidating.

Extreme sensitivity to criticism, however mild.

Callousness.

Micromanaging.

Contempt.

Deflecting blame for anything and everything. He dropped that glass because YOU distracted him.

Stonewalling/silent treatment/sulking.

Views your other loved ones and interests as proof that you don't love him.

These are all insidious and subtle abuse tactics. I can go on if you like. Recognise any?

Deliberately goading and provoking you, then accusing you of 'starting an argument' when you defend yourself.

Stonewalling you to the point of excrutiating tension then accusing you of ignoring them or being miserable.

Gaslighting.

Putting words in your mouth.

Interrupts and talks over you but expects you to hang on their every word. LOVE the sound of their own voice. Considers self very wise.

Gets a buzz out of seeing you upset.

Reading similar stories to my own on here cemented for me that I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, coercive control more than overt abuse. So damaging, I've been single for 7 years now and I am so wary of it happening again, my walls are still up and my boundaries are firm

Absolutely this, it's sadly so familiar

Not helpful. It's not always that easy.

Jesus. Victim blaming and awful. You clearly know nothing about this so why post?

Yes, I have experienced what you describe. 30 years of it (I am planning escape) and I only realised months ago, because I have been stealthily trained to tolerate emotionally abusive behaviour 🙄

I have and it went on for years

Only fully worked it out after he assaulted me. Before then I had glimpses of his real nature but he always pulled it back and I felt I was over reacting.

After the assault it was hell getting out because he was so unreasonable.

Definitely has a personality disorder and you realise that's all you are dealing with, the person you fell in love with never even existed, it was all construct to reel you in.

I've never quite been the same since,

Things my ex-husband did:

Answered the phone first, before I could get to it; if they wished to speak to me, "May I ask what this is about?" he would say, in a charming and polite tone, while glaring at me.
Isolated me from friends and family over a few years, mainly by insisting we could not visit, causing an argument beforehand, double booking or creating an emergency that had to come first.
Eg: I missed my daughter's first day of school because he arranged to go and look at a house 3 hours away and insisted I went with him.
He spent our money on impulse buys, in the thousands each time, but I had to answer or every cent.
If I put makeup on, the accusations that I was dressing up for someone else.
Sabotaging my weightloss efforts and absolutely raging when I successfully lost 14kg.
Verbally punishing me for disagreeing with him on any subject.
Twisting arguments until I was completely confused and blaming myself.
Gaslighting
Silent treatment
Threatening facial expressions while keeping a normal tone of voice.
Bullying my daughter to keep me in line. (That's when I left, he called her a horrible name).
Financial abuse.
Criticism of my housework, bookkeeping of our businesses and any conversations I had with clients.
Absolutely an abuser at home but charming in public unless someone disagreed with him, them he lost control.

My previous reply was so short, I wanted to come back.

I was with my ex for seven years and it all slowly crept up on me. He'd track the car, control who I could see, sit up drinking until 2am, blame it on me.

I had a baby last year and during my pregnancy and after things really escalated. He told everyone I had post partum psychosis, that I was depressed and he was a martyr for putting up with me.
He didn't help at all with our son at all and I started to believe I had depression and it was all my fault.

He gaslit me so badly. He'd be absolutely horrible to be in the house, calling me and my mum a C*and telling me I had absolutely no one to support me. All the while his texts would have kisses and call me Hun. He was meticulous at creating a paper trail.

I'm out now but still dealing with the visitation arrangements. It's hell at times but so much better than being with him. My brain fog cleared once I got away from him and I'm doing better every day. Most importantly my son has a safe, calm environment but it's really damaged me.

I'd recommend keeping a daily journal of what he does. I have a word doc to refer to. There are periods of calm where I think there's no need to keep it but then he flares up again. Your brain blocks it out the trauma and it's really important to have facts if you need to get a restraining order. Also so you can refer back to once you're out and you start to doubt yourself.

I hope you're OK and you get out soon 🤗

My brain fog cleared once I got away from him

Our brains are/were always on them and their behaviour for a reason. It is another intentional manipulation on their part, if we are so busy thinking about them we don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is and how it works. The clarity once we are away from them brings tranquility but also trauma in its illumination of what we have been enduring.

I think by asking in here and researching is a clear indication that things are not right. Subtle abusive behaviours are so difficult to see unless you are living with them, even then they make you question your sanity, after a prolonged period of time, being in this type of relationship totally erodes your self esteem, self worth and sense of self. But, it happens so slowly, and you research it, you look for exact descriptions of what you experience, but often what you read/research seems so much more obvious and clear to identify has abuse so you question your reality (again and again)
Often, by researching for exact descriptions and not finding them, you convince yourself that it’s not that bad, you are in reality continually on the abuse cycle but fail to recognise it or accept the truth as you dismiss most incidents as they are so subtle.
Over the years, abuse amnesia creeps in, subtle abusive behaviours become normal and disappear into the fog, your memory has been hijacked as events become forgotten, blurred and well, just gone!
Unless experienced, subtle abuse is so difficult to describe, because by its very nature it is subtle and keeps you silent.

The op needs reassurance that she’s right in her thinking, that she’s not going mad. Hearing from others will cement her decision.

Hi, just stumbled across this thread and thought I would add a few examples for you. I have just in the past few days left my 7 year relationship due to this exact type of abuse. in the beginning when I realised something wasn’t quite right but I really could not put my finger on it, I did the same as you, looked on google and mums net, seeking out similar stories to validate my experience because I felt confused, and desperately needed to know I wasn’t over reacting and it helped me so much!

1. casting his fishing rod and me taking the bait ( his words not mine) - starting an argument out of nowhere for no reason that would become confusing and circular where I would end up explaining myself unecessarily and then he would drop other things in there that had nothing to do be with the original argument. I became incredibly confused and disoriented so much so that I would forget why the argument even happened , genuine memory loss. I was worn out. This one really scared me. And when I asked him to explain why we were arguing in the first place he would smirk and laugh at me.
2. Pinched me really hard then insisted it never happened and that I imagined it.
3. one day he saw me have a tuna salad for lunch, then about 8 hours later followed me upstairs to the toilet and told me that I reeked of tuna and that he could smell it in my wee.
4. would see me cooking dinner for our family , watch me put it out on the table then put his shoes on , tell me he was going out to the pub and then say “oh didn’t know you were cooking dinner”
5. accuse me of eating all the dinner before I’d even finished cooking it.
6. if I went out for dinner with friends he would make comments like “ I bet you ate more than everyone else didn’t you”
7. pester me for sex when I told him I was on my period would say things like oh thought I could smell something. And also constantly make crude requests for sex that I made clear I didn’t like and was not comfortable with.
8. emotionally avoidant and grumpy unless i gave him sex.
9. no cuddles or affection or real intimacy unless I gave him sex
10. ignored me when I spoke to him directly. Then after I’d repeated myself a few times would say things like “oh didn’t realise you were talking to me” when there’s only two of us and I’m sat directly next to him.
11. criticised my cooking by telling me my mashed potato was too white and the gravy was disgusting despite it being the same one I had always used and never been a problem before. Also used to tell me how to cook and do things yet never ever lifting a finger to cook /clean.
12. Grumpy and unapproachable all day and on family Days out and getting angry when I ask him what’s wrong. Not joining in.
13. on Mother’s Day I write all our names in family cards.. intact he makes a point of making sure his name is in there. But one mothers day , he came home and told me very bluntly he had written only his and our sons name in the Mother’s Day card to his mum. He said very snidely “ but I didn’t write yours though , I forgot” we had beeen together 4 yrs at this point. To elaborate on this I have no relationship with my own mother due to her alcohol abuse. This was very upsetting for me and one of the first times I thought something is very very wrong here.
14. hates me having an opinion or any intelligence. If I use big words he will say things like “ what does that even mean , you’ve been talking to your mates again haven’t you? Where are all this words coming from? I can tell these aren’t your opinions, it’s your friends filling your head with rubbish” same would be said if I called out any of his behaviour .
15. belittled my job and salary then bragged about his own wages.
16. pub every night of the week
17. Mysognistic
18. sexist remarks
19. makes comments designs to frighten me. then pretends he hasn’t said anything and that I’m making it up or I’ve heard it wrong.
20. no real friendships or connections. Only pub mates.
21. I could go on and on but the most recent thing he did was come in from the pub and calmly throw my poor cat across the front room into our sons large toy truck ( cat is fine thank god , bless her) as she was sat on our new foot stool. All in front of our 5yo son.This was the cherry on top of the shit cake for me so I’ve finally plucked up the courage to end it.

I hope my post helps you in some way -
and that you have left your situation. I wish you all the best for your future. Living with someone like this is confusing and scary beyond words. I don’t think I can trust another man again.

take care xx

@pickled it is really horrifying too read what you have endured.
Please be safe, that is a very very dangerous man.
Do not trust him for a minute.
I really hope you report his abuse of the cat too, as well as to involve the police.
That is one of the worst lists I've read on MN.
He is a highly abusive, dangerously man.
Stay safe and well.

I really hope you stay away from him. He sounds absolutely awful. Well done you for binning such a dreadful person off.

Are you safe?

Thank you @Littys , I am ok now after finally gaining some confidence and asking him to leave which he has done. It’s strange because in between it all, he could be giving, generous, helpful and loving, funny even. But that’s the catch - those behaviours are used to confuse you and keep you where they want you. Make you think it’s you imagining things. Wondering if it’s really that bad.. wondering if you’re over thinking things because he’s nice the rest of the time. They never raise thier voice or hit you so it must be us, cause we’re over sensitive right?

bollocks.

im so glad I’ve finally escaped , I’m looking forward to getting my life back. X

Thank you, yes I am safe 🥰

I was often the butt of jokes then accused of taking things too seriously.
He ruined every time I went out without him by starting an argument when I got home. One time I was out with friends for a meal and he made a huge thing about me "stinking of garlic "
He would buy new expensive clothes for himself but would query if I wanted something new because I said I wanted to lose weight.
He criticised what I wore.
He would go over the bank statement and question every penny spent, and I mean every penny. He would berate me if I couldn't account for everything, wouldn't let me go to bed or do anything until "we sorted it."
All of the above was done over years and I couldn't see how abusive it was because it gradually ramped up. He was oh so reasonable as to why I was in the wrong each time.

Hey @Willhewonthee please ignore the nasty, combative posters who are being undermining. They are veering towards the abuser side of this topic, finding the opportunity to nit-pick and criticise irresistible.

Glad you’ve had some helpful replies.