Subtle Emotional Abuse

[Willhewonthee]

Has anyone experienced an emotionally abusive relationship that does not involve name-calling or overt nastiness, but rather manifests through controlling behaviors such as privacy invasion, restriction of friendships, financial control, manipulation, and guilt-tripping? I am seeking stories similar to my own, as most accounts I find involve physical abuse or explicit verbal degradation. My situation is much more subtle.

This has really struck a chord for me. I lost my husband this year and he was horrible to me throughout our marriage, and to a degree to our DDs when they got older. I did eventually leave a few years ago but returned to help care for him when he became terminally ill (long story). The outpourings of "what a lovely man he was", "a great family man" etc left us dumbfounded. It's extra hurtful to realise he could be so nice to everyone else and he was saving all the abuse for his immediate family.

It sounds like you've been through a lot @BilboBlaggin . It's so galling - a great family man! The pictures they paint. Bastards.

I hope your life is more peaceful now and that you and your DDs have someone in RL who understands. There's always someone here if you need to talk

Hi. Absolutely yes. Even now I still strangely don't call it outright abusive...I see them as abusive behaviours, I know that they're unhealthy, and yet despite this I find it hard in my head to jusitfy calling them abusive as they do have redeeming qualities. Here is my list anyway:
-Always went through my phone and tablet without permission
-Got jealous of my friendships with other people (especially men)
-Would outright ask to see my phone conversations with other men (and would say it's just to put their mind at ease...they don't suspect anything)
-Would message my friends to check up on where I had been the night before and what time i left
-Tracked the car (they actually monitored my movements without me knowing)
-Did not let me leave the same room as them for months, claiming that they needed my support
-Has access to the shared account but I did not
-Let me do all of the jobs about the house and was always very "grateful" but never did anything to help as they were "tired" or "busy" but always promised that they would
-Denied me access to the doctor when I said I needed mental health support and instead told me about how bad their mental health was
-Controlled the calendar and would do whatever they wanted, but I had to ask permission
-Always twisted and manipulated conversations. I could never do what I wanted as it would "make them feel bad" and i would be guilted all the time.
-They would deliberately push and push in conversations, rarely outright aggressive, but knew what buttons to press to really box me and trap me and would then twist my words and say I had agreed to something...when actually I hadn't
-Called me names and slated my character

aaaaaand. When I left them:
-They contacted the police and said that I had been abusive to them!
-Tried to bar me from my home and see my child
-Tells me I'm intimidating and threatening when I know I'm not as I have all of the logs of our conversations
-Calims they have recodings of me being abusive (which they can't have!)

The good news....I am so much happier being away from them! It's hard to pinpoint a lot of the issues as one exact moment, but everything grinds you down and you can't lift your head. Get out fo there, get space and you can. It helps you see everything clearly and who they are! But yes, I feel for you. You have probably had it twisted on you so much you feel like the guilty party, but genuinely, speak to a charity and get clarity. It does help. Abuse is abuse.

Those redeeming qualities @TheNewHazelQuail are also part of the abuse, they are the part that keeps you there, that have you doubting yourself when you feel sad/confused/angry at whatever they are doling out. They are also what they show outsiders so their narrative that we are the crazy/abusive ones is more believable.

I absolutely agree that getting away from them to get the headspace to see their behaviour more clearly is essential, that's the start of you gaining the strength you need to get the scales tipping back in your favour.

Oh, good! Glad to hear that.

I really wish you all the best for the future. You deserve to find some happiness after putting up with that bollocks.

@pickled now that you have gotten him out of your home, you brave woman, screen shot that list of his abuse and show it to ANYONE that asks why.

It saves you explaining every time, and will be very very useful in getting the truth out about his abuse.

Life can and will only get better for you.

Please do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you build stronger boundaries going forward so that you never ever tolerate someone so vile again.

You and your child deserve only the best.

Update :

I am not out of the relationship and home. Feeling a weight has lifted and my children are a lot happier. I don’t feel that I can feel a full relief though as I am in temp accommodation that is only available until January and if nothing comes up by then, my only option will be a b&b by the council. So living in limbo but atleast I am out

I was confused for a second there - a typo in your first sentence - but well done OP.

It may take a few months but you’ll eventually be housed in a stable home and can start rebuilding a life.

Keep him blocked in every way possible way. These men hate losing control and do everything they possibly can to get it back. But he will not change. Don’t be fooled.

💐

Well done, lovely to hear the relief you are feeling. Sending best wishes.

I kind of get the point of the people asking what use other womens stories are to you OP even if it seems a bit harsh.
You need to focus on yourself and getting out of the abusive situation you are in and I am not sure how other women sharing their experiences when you are unwilling to share yours will help you.
If you need confirmation that you ARE being abused then yes, it does sound like it from the limited information you have given but at the end of the day if you wnat to leave you can, you don't need a reason or to justify it or put a label on how you are being treated.

You should be so so so proud of yourself ❤️ what you have done is very brave. It might be tough for abit but at least you are all safe.
wishing you and your children all the best for a happier future xxxxxxxxxx

So pleased you are out!
Asking for others stories is an essential part of taking action and recovering.
A huge factor in why women stay is isolation, and feeling personally to blame. This is why we have the need to hear and have the support of others. I hope this thread helped and I hope you can find others in real life who will share their stories and support you ( maybe through a local DA group) and in turn your journey will help and inspire others when you feel ready xx

Well done OP, that sounds difficult but you are so brave to have gotten your children out of that toxic environment.
Wishing you well.

Not personally but I know what you mean. It can involve things like:

• redoing chores or jobs better than you;
• saying things that make you 2nd guess yourself or feel incapable such as say you're nervous about a job interview it could be "you didn't want to work in HR anyway did you" or " not everyone is cut out for x";
• asking for constant reassurance about where you are- that you're not with other men,
• guilt tripping for normal activities, constant eye rolling or disapproving gestures.
• comments that demean self esteem such as implying you should lose weight like oh do you really want dessert... or youre incapable or a burden.

Obviously just one of those things or a short phase like this doesn't necessarily constitute abuse. We all make mistakes and some people just have poor social skills.

But a pattern of behaviour like this is abusive.

That's good sorry I missed it when I replied.

Yes I have
Read 'why does he do that' and 'it's not you're

Similar stories
Just examples of what he said to me off the top of my head

• you don't think logically you're not in touch with reality
• you're too needy, you ignore my needs
• telling me all my friends were ridiculous or stupid or other criticisms, same with family members like my sister in law
• telling me I had to come with him to see his family for his emotional wellbeing support and I couldn't do things like go to the gym or see my own friends when he saw them. If I didn't go with them he wouldn't see them and I'd be made to feel bad. But dropped out of stuff with my family at the last minute.
• stonewalling and ignoring me.
• told me my personality was so unattractive having sex with me felt like he was being fake
• the next day saying he got turned on when he saw a wrinkle /grey hair on my head as if made him think of us growing old together
• telling me he had never felt sure a biological urge to have children with a woman and convinced me to get pregnant
• telling me I had trapped him with the baby and should have had an abortion and leaving me four weeks before baby was born
• smoking and drinking and leaving tripping hazards on the floor when I was pregnant
• refusing to give me lifts locally when never pregnant despite not being at work as he wanted to rest
• trying to convince me to leave my job (that paid our bills) as it made me stressed and he didn't like that
• laughted at me when I said pregnancy was so hard because it's not like I live on a refugee camp
• punched a hole in the wall and blamed me
• shouted at me for asking a question about where something was in a stressed voice while he was in the bath as I should have been respecting his relaxing time

That’s a good update. I’m glad for you. A friend went through similar and is so happy in her council house. It had no carpet, needed painting and the garden was a jungle but it was heaven to her. Two years later she has made it into a beautiful sanctuary for her and her children. I hope your journey to peace is similar.
To those wondering why hearing other’s stories helps, victims of coercive control are often isolated with their abuser. They often have no sense of what is normal or not acceptable in a relationship. They seek bravery in others to find bravery in themselves. It’s so hard for women to leave, especially at the moment with the cost of living crisis and the housing shortage.

Starts slowly and builds.
Little insults to chip away at your sell esteem. Offers to 'help' with things, to imply you're slightly incapable, and they are a your saviour. Critical of your friends and family...then starts trying to manage/limit your interactions with them. Starts monitoring your spending- coz you aren't doing it right. Then trying to limit your financial freedom. Mood swings to keep you on your toes. Silent treatment etc. Then aggressive outbursts so you start 'behaving' to keep them sweet. Then apologies and declarations of love and their need for you, and on like this until you start to feel a bit crazy and doubt yourself. Usually with a bit of 'mild' sexual coercion so you feel you have less and less control over your life and body. It's a slow boiler, but starts like this.

I'm delighted for you, OP.

I've been in temporary accommodation for a similar reason myself, some years back. I didn't want to go into a refuge so I stayed in a hotel for months. It was a real pain at the time but it meant I got my HA house which is really lovely, in a great area and the rent is super affordable. It has been one of the biggest blessings of my life. So do cling on in there with the temporary accommodation because it really does work out in the end.

I am glad to see your update @Willhewonthee . I do hope you will be in your own place and feeling more secure very soon