Supposed best friend has no use for me anymore

[Iedm2022]

I had been good friends with someone for around 12 years. I did lots for them - saw them through a tricky marriage and subsequent divorce, always on the end of the phone and tried best to check in with them. Met someone new and got remarrked. I paid for lots in the run up to wedding to make them feel special and loved after having such a terrible few years. I myself had been going through a very hard time caring for my terminally ill parent but always made sure to support her too. She got married last year and gradually contact has got less and less. I made a point of every few weeks sending a message to say hope they were okay. Absolutely no contact for two months. I send a message to advise of a quite serious development in my own life and they texted to say that we are two different people and that was that. I feel completely betrayed and used.

Oooft...that was blunt. I'm not surprised you're hurt and taken aback.

At the same time, she obviously wanted out of the friendship (I don't know why) and has neatly extricated herself without being rude.

Perhaps you invested in her too much.

She has moved on in her life and yes I guess doesn't need you anymore. Most people are pretty selfish. They want what's best for themselves, and now if her life is 'sorted' so to speak, she doesn't want a reminder of more troubled times. In other words, in her mind, the friendship has run its course.
It is a shame but she will not be supporting you as you did her.

You supported her through tough times and now she's shown you that she's not prepared to reciprocate in any way when you reached out to her for support. That's shitty of her, but sadly you find out who your true friends are during tough times. Chalk it down to experience. Send her a curt response and let her know how much she has let you down. Then block her and move on with better friends.

That’s an awful response. So many people do not care about anyone other than themselves these days.

So sorry @Iedm2022 , what a sad ending after all your support!
I did have a thought: is her new relationship a good one or is she being isolated from any support by her new partner?
You know her best: is this the end for you or do you want to leave her a 'back door' by staying open to contact, just in case her new partner is controlling her?

That is awful.
How utterly callous.
Feeling that way but using you for her own benefit until such time as she could discard you.
That is unbelievably selfish and disingenuous.

I'm really sorry that you gave so much to someone who really really didn't deserve it.

Things like this make people hard and cynical when actually a supportive person is gold and deserves honesty, and if it's a case of growing apart at least the courtesy of growing apart gracefully. The way she flicked you off her life is disgusting.

So sorry to hear this op. People who deserve you are out there I promise.

Unfortunately I have made excuses for her if I look back without the rose tinted specs over the years. So many people have commented on my ability to support others despite having a very rough time myself. Her view was I needed someone to be more available and she isnt it. All I looked for was a basic response of hey life is busy but I am okay. Hope you are too and that is obviously too much. She has got her happy ending and essentially has no use for me. I am always trying to be everything to everyone and I think this has just really hurt me. I dont understand how someone can be so callous particularly when I shared the very sensitive life development. I have other friends who are in disbelief at how I have been treated but as someone who suffers terribly from anxiety and low self esteem it has made me feel rubbish.

Could it be that her new marriage isn’t as rosey as everyone thinks it is and she’s been told to get rid of friends by her new husband? Just because you mentioned she had a previous tricky marriage and maybe she’s got another one. Or maybe it’s failing miserably and she’s too embarrassed or proud to admit it? Or maybe she is just selfish.

What a bitch!

She's a user, uses people for what they're worth and then dumps them clearly. I'm glad you've got proper supportive friends op. You don't need her.

No wonder it made you feel rubbish.

I think when you are wired to put everyone else first, low self esteem etc, it makes you very vulnerable to parasites like this. You build them up and they take it, but it's not mutual.

I think it would be worthwhile considering whether there is an essential self inside you who you could nurture, take a look at what brings you joy and peace and offer yourself that. Throw yourself into this as though you were a friend you were supporting.
You clearly have a lot of emotional drive to make others feel supported and I think we are often this way when we know what it is like to feel unsupported... Which is a horrible place to be, and ironically it's often the cause of low self esteem in the first place.

But this time look to plough all that considerable 'rescue' inclination into your own self, and without shutting others out, build yourself up. We feel valued when we are put first someone's number one priority... You can be this person for yourself without crapping on others... A fact that seems to have escaped this horrible ex-friend

This is awful I am so sorry.

I am in a very similar position with a friend of more than 15 years. After supporting her through multiple surgeries, job moves and an abusive relationship during a time where I was ill this year and desperately l needed support she simply wasn’t there for me.

It came as a shock - I know she’s had a lot on herself but after all the support I’ve given her over the years I was heartbroken.

In a way I am now glad I’ve seen the truth about the friendship as I no longer have to invest time and effort in her and can concentrate on people who matter to me.

The message your “friend” has sent you was awful. Really cruel. People are awful and I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it.

My trust in people is gone. This was my longest and deepest friendship (or so I thought) and I truly thought of her as a sister.

I wish I had some advice for you but at least you know you aren’t alone.

I have a sister I was v close to who has done the same. It hurts massively. I also defended her against others who could see her true nature and I was there for her through thick ànd thin. Now she has another family member to do all that she has basically ghosted me out of her life. And not for the first time either.
It is v hard to deal with but I have no doubt she will be back when circumstances change expecting to pick up where she left off. These people can think.of no one but themselves. You ( and I ) are better off without them.OP . You sound such a lovely person who deserved loyalty and consideration. Concentrate on your true friends if you can and let it go x

Thank you so much everyone. I have spent all weekend going through our messages over the last year and her responses to everything was cold and blunt. I just always want to see the best in people. I know I haven't done anything wrong but it just hurts. I now feel a bit embarassed as I clearly tried much more than she ever did. The truth is over the last year she has made no positive contribution to my life and I need to realise that. I think I was clinging on the idea of her being my best friend rather than realising sje has never truly acted as one.

I disagree. She was massively rude.

You can only be responsible for your own actions op, which you should have a clear conscience about.

We aren’t responsible for the fact sone people are just selfish and unfeeling. She is, you aren’t.

But hey ho! Time to move on regardless. She’s not worth pining over - though I understand the hurt.

You're better off without her. You were far too good for her anyway.

Pour into your own cup. Put yourself before others.

I feel it’s unfair for people to suggest it could be her new husband. While that may be true we need to recognise that some people are just selfish and don’t care.

OP, gently, this situation is largely of your own making. By your own account you bustle around after other people, ‘being ‘everything to everyone’, prioritising their needs. This is no way to make and keep lasting friendships. It just makes you a semi-invisible service provider who ends up simmering with resentment because you’ve ’done so much for them’ and you expect reciprocation.

Surely it was fairly clear that you weren’t going to get the response you wanted when you sent a text message about a ‘sensitive life development’ to someone who’d been cutting down contact in the last year or two and from whom you hadn’t heard at all in two months?

Work on your self-esteem, and stop ‘servicing’ other people — friends will appreciate you for your company, not for what you can do for them. Stop hiding behind people-pleasing. What is it you bring to your friendships other than ‘support’? Why would people still like you if you were (somehow) in a position where you could never offer ‘support’ again? A good therapist will help you break unhealthy friendship patterns and deal with whatever it is you’re going through.

Incredibly helpful kind message.

It's helping me today thankyou.

Op this happened to me and my god it hurts, especially when like the above says you plough stuff into others.
It's taken me a few years to get over my best friend dumping me.

Xxx

Unfortunately this is not uncommon and it does make you feel crap for a long time. I think you need some time to heal from the betrayal because that's what it is, a betrayal. She's a classic fair-weather friend.

Look after yourself and remember what a kind person you are and what you're giving out to the world. I have found in my experience that users do eventually get their comeuppance because people get wise to it.

You've been a good friend and have a quality money can't buy empathy and you can hold your head high.
I detest people who can't see past the end of their own nose.
I would tell her people are not disposable but as she's shown her true colours and you're not going to waste anymore of your valuable time on her as she's 100% selfish article.

My first thought on reading is that this message has been sent by or because of her husband.

Exactly. ‘Pour into your own cup’ should be a sticky on all people-pleasing threads.

It’s not clear to me this former friend of the OP has done anything wrong in telling the OP she needs someone more available. It’s fairly clear she’s been disengaging from the friendship for some time. We don’t know her reasons. Yes, she had the option of responding more kindly to the OP’s message, but I can also understand that if she’s extricating herself from a friendship that’s not working for her, she doesn’t want to to be the recipient of ‘sensitive life stage’ information and re-engage.

I say this as someone who is still raw after being dropped by someone I thought was a close friend. I happened to see him just after I’d got some bad news last month and told him, and he just said nothing. Not even ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘That’s shit’. But I recognise that for whatever reason he’s done with the friendship. I need to look elsewhere for support.

I'd point out that apparently you weren't two different people when she needed your support despite what you were dealing with in your own life at the time. And then block her.

I hope you'll respond with "well yes, I do see we are very different people, I was a good friend to you. Now I need a friend, this is your answer, you don't need to point out the difference in our characters. It's glaringly obvious."

Fuck her OP. She doesn't deserve a friend like you've been to her.