Supposed best friend has no use for me anymore

[Iedm2022]

I had been good friends with someone for around 12 years. I did lots for them - saw them through a tricky marriage and subsequent divorce, always on the end of the phone and tried best to check in with them. Met someone new and got remarrked. I paid for lots in the run up to wedding to make them feel special and loved after having such a terrible few years. I myself had been going through a very hard time caring for my terminally ill parent but always made sure to support her too. She got married last year and gradually contact has got less and less. I made a point of every few weeks sending a message to say hope they were okay. Absolutely no contact for two months. I send a message to advise of a quite serious development in my own life and they texted to say that we are two different people and that was that. I feel completely betrayed and used.

Yes please do.

This isn't your fault. You did the best for this person, they haven't returned the favour. It's bound to hurt and it shows that you are an amazing person and they are a well... begins with c and ends with t.

God thats lousy op. I lost a long friendship was over 20 yrs. Ive lost my faith in people now. Thats so hurtful op.

I can guess why - OP reminds the friend of the bad times and doesn't want to be reminded of them. They've made a fresh start with new partner and wants to forget what has happened in the past.

A warning for all of us who go out of our way to support that friend in need. They are better off talking to compassionate strangers and we are more likely to remain friends if we support at arms length. (No, not bitter and twisted but a compassionate stranger who knows how it works).

I mean, nobody is obligated to be friends with anyone, and there’s something to be said (?) for being honest when you want to end a friendship rather than just ghosting them.

But, if that’s how she felt, she shouldn’t have used you all that time for support. She just took what she needed from you even though she wasn’t really feeling the friendship. That’s shitty of her. Sorry, OP.

I've been through a divorce, many mental health issues, I would honestly say I've never done that to a friend who had my back at hard times.

But however bad you feel, don't try again, you're worth so much more.

I'm a bit like this OP and ended up feeling very let down . These days I'm far more matter of fact and accept there are a fair few takers out there - I think the problems kick in when someone is your 'main' friend and you don't have loads but to them you are just 'a friend' - one of lots ( although to be frank I'm amazed she has any friends at all if she's that rude/blunt) I possibly would be tempted to send a final message saying 'I'm sorry you feel that way, I always thought we were good friends, clearly I read it wrong, have a good life - no need to respond - And move on OP.

Excellent response.

I feel your pain OP. I had a friend of 33 years, thought we were best friends and would be friends for life. But she started being strange, not wanting to meet up, having nothing to say and keeping me at arms length for over 18 months. I assumed she was just busy but when she dropped the bombshell she had dropped to working 3-day weeks I realised she was choosing to disengage from me. I confronted her by whatsapp and she made herself the victim, accusing me of sending a 'nasty and disgusting' text, when all I had done was call her out on her distant and dismissive behaviour. I accept now that she clearly wanted out and that was her coward's excuse, rather than discuss with me the actual problem. It stung a lot, but it also gave me time to reflect and realise our friendship was never on an equal footing and I had just never noticed. It's a sad fact that I valued our friendship infinitely more than she did, and the signs were there, I just chose not to see them. I never dared challenge her throughout our friendship because she would control any confrontation with silent treatments and I never got to have my say. Well, no more. This was 3 years ago and I realise now I am far better off without her. I hope you get the same closure.

Text back Yes, we are different people. I would always be there for you if you were having a bad time, but you are different. Then leave it at that.

I think that was pretty rude
And hurtful
And selfish

Sometimes the marriage is the only relationship needed. They ditched you after years of needing you which sucks and is rude. I drifted from people and now they are mostly “facebook friends” might get a happy birthday if they are lucky. Yes i know i suck.