Supposed best friend has no use for me anymore

[Iedm2022]

I had been good friends with someone for around 12 years. I did lots for them - saw them through a tricky marriage and subsequent divorce, always on the end of the phone and tried best to check in with them. Met someone new and got remarrked. I paid for lots in the run up to wedding to make them feel special and loved after having such a terrible few years. I myself had been going through a very hard time caring for my terminally ill parent but always made sure to support her too. She got married last year and gradually contact has got less and less. I made a point of every few weeks sending a message to say hope they were okay. Absolutely no contact for two months. I send a message to advise of a quite serious development in my own life and they texted to say that we are two different people and that was that. I feel completely betrayed and used.

I’d say take this as a win, you know you people please, understand what drives that (usually childhood where it was essential ) and what you get out of it and start to change , you’ll look back and be pleased she binned you off . You are already very perceptive about how you operate and thats half the battle.

Another posting to say you’re not the only one OP. And yes it’s shit and yes it makes you question yourself over and over.

I was ghosted by my “best friend” 3.5 years ago. We’d been friends for almost 20 years, had house shared, worked together, I supported her through the loss of both her parents, she supported me through a long journey with fertility issues and we were bridesmaids at each others weddings.

On my 40th birthday I realised I hadn’t heard from her - no text, no card, nothing. I left it a day in case she had somehow got the date wrong (she had form for this). I checked her social media to see if anything had happened to her only to find I was blocked on every platform.

To this day I have no idea why she did it. We had been messaging each other over regular day to day stuff the week before and there was no indication of anything being wrong. When I looked back over all our messages over the previous year I realised that every single contact and meet up had been instigated by me - not once in over a year had she messaged me of her own accord to ask how I was or suggest a catch up. She had obviously checked out of our friendship but didn’t have the guts to say anything.

People can be very cruel.

Yes. The point about certain behaviours being ingrained from childhood where they were a survival mechanism is a good one.

I’d be tempted to reply yes I’m supportive and you’re not.

It's really painful when this happens. Sometimes makes me wonder if we truly know someone as well as we think we do.

I've also been through similar recently with a close friend of several years who I normally saw twice a week. Pulled back and then said she doesn't want to carry on the friendship as she thinks she has nothing to offer me and we have different goals and values now, but says it's her that's changed not me.

I veer between being gutted to being really hurt. Whole thing is very sad. I'm still not sure if she thinks I'm not good enough for her or she thinks she's not good enough for me. I'm just accepting it and trying not to think about it too much but it genuinely feels like a relationship breakup.

I am always trying to be everything to everyone

Stop.

People pleasing never ends in happiness.

Put yourself first, work on yourself, your self esteem, confidence, look after yourself better than you'd look after anyone else.

Then you will find that you attract better people into your life, who will be better friends, and won't be users. Because you don't give off that "desperate" victim vibe where they know they can use you for their own benefit.

I always worry about saying you people please for a reason as people get really defensive hence the “because you had to”.

This happened to me when a very old friend got married - I was ghosted for a decade until they split - now she wants my support again - sorry mate, no.

Yes, they do do get defensive, but I think it’s worth pushing through one’s own defensiveness to see what might be behind it. My therapist will always ask ‘What was/is in this situation for you? How did you benefit from it?’ And while it’s often counter-intuitive, it’s a very useful question. A people-pleaser will benefit from their people-pleasing behaviour in some way, otherwise they wouldn’t do it.

I had a friend who I really thought was a forever friend. We had been friends for 24 years. I'd always supported her and she'd always supported me. We celebrated good times, sorted out bad times.

I had a really bad time at work and bronchitis for 3 weeks and initially she said all the right things then by the following morning nothing. Then the assumption that I would still go on a trip with her even though I didn't know if I'd have a job. And then excuses like she had nothing to help with (she didn't ring, text, take me out for a glass of wine, nothing). She didn't want to listen to me. It made me feel worthless.

But bizarrely still expected me to spend hundreds on a trip and what? Not speak about my life failing apart?

She then said she'd do better but didn't. If anything it would have been better if she hadn't been in touch at all. I was blindsided and I still get very upset because I don't get it. She also lied to another friend because she knows what she did.

But despite my being upset she is dead to me. I'm going through everything and getting rid. My friend just like yours op will find it very cold without our support.

In what sense?

She has made it clear she no longer wishes to be in the friendship. She hasn't made any accusations, offered up any insults or placed blame at the OP's door.
She hasn't been rude just blunt.

It is not rude to extricate yourself from a friendship because there's no obligation to be in one.

Now, certain phrases from the OP popped out at me on first reading.

I did lots for them
always on the end of the phone
I paid for lots
always made sure to support her

I wonder if it is all just a bit intense now that life has settled down for her. I couldn't invest in any of my friends in this way...I have a job, three children, other commitments, family as well as my friends. I can't 'do lots', I'm not always on the end of the phone, I don't pay for lots and unless there is a crisis, support is available by request.

It could well be that OP's friend is a user. But it might not be.

I think you need to turn your hurt into outrage, here.

She has behaved in a really vile way, and after allowing you to be so generous with time and money. In that regard you need to understand you've lost a weight around your neck.

I'd block her but make sure to send her a message telling her what a ginormous, using bitch she is before doing so.

Let her go, OP. Then sit in the discomfort for a bit and have a bit of an analyse of what you might have done wrong in the friendship so you don't make the same mistakes again.

Being selfless and endlessly giving doesn't always lead to good things.

You come across as a lovely caring person op, please don’t let this play on you mind, you’ve been nothing but kind and thoughtful. Move on and I hope things in your own life work out well for you.

Those would be kinder explanations because they actually provide one.

This is one form of comeuppance for these users!

My brother ignored me for twelve years when I got divorced (despite being his unpaid therapist for his awful marriage). He's popped up the last couple of years wanting to reconnect. Funnily enough I'm not interested 😅

Ouch.

I say this kindly - perhaps she’s been trying to do the slow fade for a while - a year of blunt and cold text messages, then you still text something very serious and she has to say something?

I’ve seen threads where women have been ghosted and wish they had just been told that they weren’t feeling the friendship anymore so they’d have some closure.

Can you just be grateful that your eyes have been opened before you waste any more time on her? You sound like a wonderful friend, she on the other hand...

Be thankful the trash has taken itself out 💐

Ah, I see it's always been one-sided, horrible thing to realise especially when you thought better of her and your friendship. 'A friend in need is a friend indeed' is quite apt here!
I like ohfuckwhatdoIdonow 's suggestion of a response: sums up the situation very well!

Ouch! Feel your pain. Sending love....

Prob a good thing you've seen this side to her in the long run though

Just one slightly different perspective here (not defending her shitty text) but I've had one experience where I think we just got a bit too off balance? I was supporting her, and she felt a debt to me, so tried to repay it ways she could, but then when she was back on her feet properly it's like we couldn't find our way back to a neutral? We had a long break and now we're mates again, not in each other's pockets, and it won't be the same, but I think we'd just become too imbalanced and couldn't work out way back? So just for any future situations, make sure you're letting friends support you, that it's not all one way traffic?

Have you read much about co-dependency? I found it hard as I wanted to feel that I'm simply a generous friend, but I've had to recognise it's more complicated and I got a bit hooked on feeling needed.

You sound lovely, I hope you're doing ok x

There is not much i can say except I am sorry that you wasted your energy on someone so utterly undeserving.

Good news: You have all that energy for yourself and others who are deserving.

People are dicks. Just make sure that when she comes back "how you doing" because something terrible has happened, you do not rush back in there with your dustpan and brush. The only thing you need to be sweeping up are the rose coloured glasses that were just under your boot.

Can I say a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I have just always tried to be helpful, supportive and kind to everyone I meet. I don't ask for anything in return but I genuinely enjoy helping others. I am a teacher so part of my profession too. I always try and see the best in people so when they don't put as much efforr in I have historically always defended them but have completely disregarded the fact I have been going through lots too. I definitely need to be kinder to myself ❤️

this.