You can't argue with a narcissist...

[Anon181]

Monday morning. I've taken one child to school, DP taken other child. He was never happy about this and it's the only thing he does but he has no choice, as I work early or take the other child to school elsewhere.

I do food shop on the way home and walk in. As usual all the dishes from the morning are left and he's off to play Xbox. I ask if he can wash the dishes before playing Xbox. He says they are all mine and my child's (1 cup each, rest his).
Obviously this is part of a bigger issue that he always leaves stuff everywhere and thinks he's too important to do things in the house (he's told me this). I even cook dinner in preparation for him tonight because I'm out on a course.

He then walked away, shouted that I'm a cunt.
Then started shouting that I don't work 🤷 I said of course I work, I work 3x as many hours a week as you, along with doing a course and coursework.
He continued shouting that there's something wrong with me not working and when he was my age he earned 5x what I'm earning (obviously just to belittle and make himself look better).

Then was shouting at me saying people ask him why I don't work, they say is there something wrong with her, or is she ill. It's not normal that she doesn't work...
Obviously I do work. He knows I work. I work a lot more than him...
How the hell do you even argue with that?

You don't, you leave

Get rid of him he sounds like a waste of space. If he’s such a hard worker why isn’t he at work instead of playing his XBox like a teenager? If all he does is a school drop off then he needs to go.

I wouldn't argue. I'd make him leave.

You have one life, why are you spending it with this ar*ehole?

Apart from the fact he's a disgusting pig, can you explain the work thing? It sounds as if you have a job but he claims that you don't? On what grounds does he think that you don't have a job?

The language is abusive and I sincerely hope you're planning to leave him.

And you are with him because…?

Sadly people don’t change and he’s not the catch he thinks he is. Every partnership is teamwork, he’s definitely not a team player and sounds entitled and horrible. Nobody needs someone like him in their lives, you all deserve better.

It makes no sense, this is my point.
He's not a hard worker. He takes our child to school, comes in, goes back to bed then does 2 hours work. Then back on Xbox. If he has our 5 year old, he sits him on Xbox the whole time whilst he plays with his phone.

I work 4 days a week. I'm out of the house the whole time (apart from Fri when I work from home). Weds I do an 11 hour day. Monday I'm off but I do the cooking, cleaning, I also do a course in the evening and have coursework to do. He's home all day, every day and I have to ask if he'll pick up after himself.
Me working more has been a nightmare. He used to threaten to leave all the time. When I stop responding to that he used to start shouting that I need to work more. I had no issue with this but I made it clear, I wouldn't be around during school hols and that he wouldn't be able to stay away every Thurs night to go out drinking. He'd get angry that I was ruining his life, so we'd go around in circles.
I've now increased my hours (around his Xbox and his night away to the pub) and he's been complaining about that, as I knew he would. I can't win no matter what.

He earns more than me (he's middle class, been funded his whole life) and thinks he effectively pays for me to run around after him, even though he's home all day.

Please leave. How does he treat your children?

It will not get better. Ever. Do you still want to be running around after him in your seventies, eighties? Using abusive language to you is unacceptable. It’s all unacceptable. Stop accepting it.

God just leave him. You can do better why haven't you left?

How does he earn more than you if he doesn't have a job. Why are you staying with this complete idiot, what's stopping you leaving.

I have no idea why you're staying with someone who treats you this way. You'd be better off on your own and so would your children. Make a plan and leave. He's an arsehole and he won't change. Surely you don't want this for the rest of your life?

Send him on his way. No one else will deal with his appalling attitude and treatment. Why should you?

What job is he doing for 2 hours a day that allows him to slob about like that? 😳
I can’t comprehend why you are allowing this man child to treat you like this.

You and both teaching your kids that his behaviour is normal and acceptable. For that reason alone you need to leave.

I’ve been reading a book called Fuel by HG Tudor. It explains that narcissists get their best fuel from conflict. It doesn’t make any difference what the argument is about, all that matters is that they provoke some kind of reaction. So at this point your husband is happy to sling any old mud at the wall to see if it sticks

As you have said yourself @Anon181 you can't argue with a narcissist and you can't win with one either.

All these accusations about you not working are his admissions about him not working.

As @Happyinarcon said, he wants a reaction. Look up grey rock and use it with him. Rant away here if you need to react to his arseholery.

What, exactly, is he bringing to the table that's keeping you in this relationship?

Please leave.

You sound like an amazing woman. So capable and managing so much so well already.

You do not need to put up with this abuse at all ever.

You can get out. Have a better life.

Please do yourself, your children and the whole world a favour by putting this man in his place.

Don't waste years of your life trying to psychoanalyse him, it doesn't make sense because it's not supposed to.

He, like the thousands of others treat you like that because they can. He doesn't think his life should change, he comes first, he shouldn't have to sacrifice anything. YOU SHOULD. And it will always be you. I guarantee you carry the entire mental load of family life.

You sound more than capable of running a house and raising your children alone. You will be liberated from this waste of space. He will never change his ways, and more than likely leave anyway if he had someone else to go to, they often do.

What does he actually contribute, support wise, emotionally for yourself and children. I bet the list ends before it starts. He will never care like you do and you will waste years trying to get it right.

Yes I've projected, please make the best decision of your life!

You seem to be looking for the magic words that will make him reply "actually you do a great job, work really hard and I don't deserve you"
The sooner you realise no such words exist and get rid of him the sooner your life will get better

You're an adult, and you're choosing to stay with a foul bully. However, your children don't have a choice and by you remaining in this toxic, abusive relationship, you're exposing your children to this disgusting behaviour.

Please end the relationship. It will not get any better.

Leave. Better yet, if the house is in your name, evict him. If he won’t leave, call the police and have them remove him. Report him for domestic abuse. Apply to court and get an occupation order to allow you to remain in the home and have him legally removed. Speak to women’s aid. You’re being badly abused and your children are witnessing it.

I'd just be repeating all of the above.

Do not stay in this "relationship"/abusive situation.