You can't argue with a narcissist...

[Anon181]

Monday morning. I've taken one child to school, DP taken other child. He was never happy about this and it's the only thing he does but he has no choice, as I work early or take the other child to school elsewhere.

I do food shop on the way home and walk in. As usual all the dishes from the morning are left and he's off to play Xbox. I ask if he can wash the dishes before playing Xbox. He says they are all mine and my child's (1 cup each, rest his).
Obviously this is part of a bigger issue that he always leaves stuff everywhere and thinks he's too important to do things in the house (he's told me this). I even cook dinner in preparation for him tonight because I'm out on a course.

He then walked away, shouted that I'm a cunt.
Then started shouting that I don't work 🤷 I said of course I work, I work 3x as many hours a week as you, along with doing a course and coursework.
He continued shouting that there's something wrong with me not working and when he was my age he earned 5x what I'm earning (obviously just to belittle and make himself look better).

Then was shouting at me saying people ask him why I don't work, they say is there something wrong with her, or is she ill. It's not normal that she doesn't work...
Obviously I do work. He knows I work. I work a lot more than him...
How the hell do you even argue with that?

Everything @swizzlemix said, plus the rest of all the useful advice you have had over the years, @Anon181

Why are you doing this to yourself and your children?

Why aren't you taking your sons and going to your parents?

I understand.

You cannot leave as he will go for 50/50 or more and say you are a nutcase.
I had to wait until 16 when my child made it clear. He put my (his) child through court hell.

Even if he says 50/50 it is to punish you and reduce payments and you know he will not do it AND POST DIVORCE ABUSE will continue.

Try and see an expert lawyer, he does sound exactly like a malignant narcissist.

My result: Divorced (2 years). Child willl never have a relationship with him again. He kept/stole everything. But I am free.

A divorce will not be easy as he will enjoy it and has been ready for it for ages.

He is relying on you not being strong enough.
Best of luck.

None of this is reason to completely give up, there is a way around every obstacle you seem determined to put in your own way.

Stop making excuses and get your children out of there. If you want to play the simpering doormat hanging on in the hope you will get financial compensation in the form of being named on a mortgage or married one day that's one thing, more fool you.

But your sons are innocent in this. And he was abusive FROM THE VERY START so you can't even claim he deceived you.

Take some fucking responsibility. You are hands down the most frustrating poster I've ever seen on here, you have been given SO much help and advice and you have the means to leave, women do it in the middle of the night with just a suitcase (I did) but for some bizarre reason you seem to want to stay with this man.

I don't know how you can look your boys in the eye to be honest. You are showing them how you accept being treated. In twenty, thirty years time their "zombified shells" of partners will be posting about them on the internet. It is that damaging.

Honestly I would just leave.
He won’t want your child eventually because he will have to look after them.
I wouldn’t normally suggest leaving a child behind but you are killing yourself.

You are allowing your children to have a 100% shitty childhood in the vague hope that this utter cunt will change his ways and love you.
Ĥe. Will. Never. Change.
He is too fucking idle to actually go through with his threat to go 50/50, but even if by some means he did then your DC would still have a 50% better childhood.
But you won't be told.

Crazy.
He's the cunt.
I cannot imagine my husband behaving like that.
Leave.

Having grown up with a Narcissist "D"M I would totally agree with this.

OP I wouldn't waste your time or energy trying to convince him that he's wrong. You are literally wasting your life trying to do this. He won't change, he's not capable.

Put your energy into building a better life, without that bullying slob.

Is rather walk away and go into temporary accommodation than subject my kids to a man and environment like this.
Be a mother and get your kids out before they grow up to be as vile as he is because it will happen.

It sounds like he’s too lazy to wipe his own arse. Do you really think he will take you to court and actually bother to have them 50% of the time because he won’t.

I too left. I’m currently homeless staying in a hotel with just a small suitcase. Hardest thing I’ve ever done but I’ve done it .

Well done! You’ve absolutely done the right thing. This is the start of the rest of your life and it will be so much better free from an abuser. You have been very brave. You’ve done the hardest part. What a champion!

I dont feel strong I feel broken right now . I’ve got cancer and I’m partially paralysed down my right side from cancer treatment. I’ve lost everything but I was told if I didn’t get out soon he’d kill me . Not physically but he would make my mental health so bad I wouldn’t want to be here anymore. My mum who health is on the floor right now but I’m out . He won’t let me have the children until I have a home and don’t know how long that’s going to be and I miss them immensely.

My mental health is on the floor right now I meant

Put internal cameras up and record the abuse for a few weeks, the name calling and shoving and then save it with two different friends and take it to the police.

Can you see the children during the day at a public place? I don’t see how he can stop that because you have parental rights.

Im sorry you’re unwell and I hope you get the right care and treatment to make a full recovery as quickly as possible.

The fact that despite your health issues you still managed to leave is even more impressive. I know you don’t feel strong but there’s plenty evidence to the contrary.

My eldest 2 don’t want to see me they believe his lies . I have been texting my youngest telling him I miss and love him. Just went to hold them and never let them go. Also I don’t want to get upset in front of youngest it’s not fair on him and I know I will get upset . Just makes me so angry that the women always come worse off than the men I’ve lost everything because of that monster and everyone is rallying around him and ignoring me even my own family

That’s tough. Maybe you should see your youngest anyway, even if you did get upset. You could just say you’re so happy to see them that you’re a bit emotional. There’s nothing wrong with kids seeing emotions. It’s shows them it’s ok to have difficult feelings. I’m sure your child would love to see you. The older two will come around. Maybe you could message them too to let them know that although they don’t want to see you right now, that you love and miss them and if they change their minds they can see you anytime.

What support are you getting? Have you been to women’s aid? Have you spoken to social services? Do you have any friends you could meet up with for a coffee?

I’m getting support from mental health team , I have been speaking to the crisis team and also having daily visits from home treatment team. I have a domestic abuse case worker so I am receiving a lot of support from professionals. I don’t have any friends I lost them all during relationship with ex and I don’t have their numbers anymore . I’m pretty much confined to hotel as I can’t walk much with my right side not working properly. But anyway this is not my thread I have my own thread I just wanted to let OP know it can be done x

Read that post back to yourself, then point out the bits where you had any control at all.

You can't. You have zero control. If you leave you will have a minimum of 50% control, probably more, as I doubt he will want to be a parent without support.

This is no good, you need an exit plan. Of course he hasn't married you and you live in rented, he has no intention of sharing with his own family.
In the long run you'll be better off without him. A lot of men threaten 50/50. But it's just a threat to keep you there, doing all the work on his behalf. Do you really think he'd be up for half the work? There's no way when it comes to it he'd cope with it.
Meanwhile, staying there is not working, you don't have control, he is controlling all of you while you quietly comply or ignore in order to avoid arguing. The damage to your DC's is progressing regardless of you being there by your own description. I'm cringing about the things you say goes on between your DC's and him.
Do you live near any family who could practically help with childcare or pickups?
On the plus side, it looks like he has naff all get up and go ( probably lies about his earnings, he'd have bought a house otherwise as it never makes sense to rent if you can afford it). You don't need a solicitor to split when not married and no property to sort. Would he have the gumption to take you to court for 50/50 access? Can he even afford it? There could be more reasons than you know as to why he was so keen for you do work more hours, could he have lied about his earnings?

Why did you have children with him? What did you see in him? I can't quote work out what his redeeming qualities are.

Dear God. He's revolting. You deserve better. No, his rambling makes no sense. That's the least of it.

Get away from this loser. This is textbook abuse, it is not your fault, nobody could reason with him and you can't help him.

You sound like my parents when I was a child. My parents stayed together until I was 18 and I cannot tell you how much that screwed my headspace for life living with someone like that. The abuse will certain turn to the kids as well as to you once they're old enough, and it does such damage. I doubt myself constantly, don't trust my own thoughts from the constant gas lighting. I developed an eating disorder, self-harm, depression, anxiety, separation difficulties etc. the list goes on.

Talk to a refuge, get evidence of the abuse and then make a plan to leave. I know it's scary, but I promise you it's better to leave now.

Middle class with the manners of a piglet. You’re not selling him to us. Is this what you imagined for yourself? I wouldn’t have anyone speak to me like that. No chance. I find it unattractive when grown men sit playing video games. There’s a time and a place for these things but when it’s their sole focus it’s a worry.

True to form, following practical advice and support being given, the OP has now disappeared again. As she has no intention of ever leaving this man.

Why would a solicitor even be needed anyway? You aren't married, the house is rented, and you know there is no way this man will go for 50/50 custody. You'd be lucky to get a few hours every other weekend. Your older son is nothing to do with him.

As you've increased your hours, no longer have nursery fees, and only pay for bills, what on earth is stopping you from saving a month's rent as deposit and moving out? You would only need a 2-bedroom flat. Or is it that you like the trappings and social status that comes with being the "partner" of an older doctor??

You're older son is only mentioned by chance in this post, on some of your previous threads he was having to spend extra time with his father to escape the toxic environment at home with his stepdad, are you just ignoring the effect this is having on him as he heads towards puberty living in this shitshow?

Maybe focus less on the trivial details of what this man says to you and wake up to the reality that your passive acceptance of the status quo is colluding in the abuse of your own children.

But I suppose like every one of your other threads you will just ignore what is happening and carry on sleepwalking through your life, right @Anon181 ?!