You can't argue with a narcissist...

[Anon181]

Monday morning. I've taken one child to school, DP taken other child. He was never happy about this and it's the only thing he does but he has no choice, as I work early or take the other child to school elsewhere.

I do food shop on the way home and walk in. As usual all the dishes from the morning are left and he's off to play Xbox. I ask if he can wash the dishes before playing Xbox. He says they are all mine and my child's (1 cup each, rest his).
Obviously this is part of a bigger issue that he always leaves stuff everywhere and thinks he's too important to do things in the house (he's told me this). I even cook dinner in preparation for him tonight because I'm out on a course.

He then walked away, shouted that I'm a cunt.
Then started shouting that I don't work 🤷 I said of course I work, I work 3x as many hours a week as you, along with doing a course and coursework.
He continued shouting that there's something wrong with me not working and when he was my age he earned 5x what I'm earning (obviously just to belittle and make himself look better).

Then was shouting at me saying people ask him why I don't work, they say is there something wrong with her, or is she ill. It's not normal that she doesn't work...
Obviously I do work. He knows I work. I work a lot more than him...
How the hell do you even argue with that?

Don't waste your life like this.

I even cook dinner in preparation for him tonight because I'm out on a course.
He then walked away, shouted that I'm a cunt.
Why are you cooking for him if he refuses to do any dishes?

Stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, stop buying his food and get a lockable cupboard for yourself. Any mess of his dump in a bin liner and put it his side of the bed - or preferably a different bedroom. Stop having sex if you still are.

Whose house is it, and can you financially support yourself even if you go without treats etc for a while? Oh... and ask yourself why you want to argue instead of putting that energy into leaving?

Oh this is the Xbox-addicted part-time doctor again isn't it?!!

And you're still with him, forcing your sons to live in a toxic, abusive household whilst you worry about things like him not washing up??

Shocking, if not at all surprising....

Really, has this been discussed before and its still happening

If I could, I'd like to pack up and leave. However I've nowhere to go, my family are nowhere near, the children have school, I have work and my course this evening.

It's easy to say leave but I spoke with a solicitor and it doesn't matter what he's said and done, he can have our child 50/50 if he wanted. At the moment my child seems to prefer him, which is devastating. I put so much time and effort into my children and am running around everyone constantly. Yet he just sits the child on Xbox and nothing more. What if I lose my child. I worry he will emotionally destroy him and at least whilst I'm here I have some control ( although little it seems). He tells our child I'm mean and horrible and that's obviously very difficult for me.

Anyway, he's off his Xbox and in bed. Told me to turn my musical down because he was going to bed. There he will stay until he starts his 2 hours work at 3.30pm; conveniently so I do both school runs.

Why would you lose your child?

You wouldn't.

You might have to endure 50/50 but I bet this dickhead won't be able to manage that.

Your dcs need you. Your are their rock. The far superior parents.

You really shouldn't let them be exposed to your h's awful behaviour. The dcs will behave the same and learn that you are a victim.

Start researching how to get out. You're being abused. Women's Aid will give you advice. Also contact a solicitor.

This is only going to get worse for you and your dcs.

It's starting already - I just read your update.

At least if you don't live with this creep, you and your dcs can enjoy abuse free time.

Your h despises you. Don't stay.

This. Grey rock. Be fucking boring. Make your plans to get out.

I believe I do generally grey rock. I'm honestly a shell of myself, I've shut down emotionally so much. Walk around like a zombie some days (not with the kids). My reality is broken.

I know I wouldn't completely lose the children but at least now I'm around and can have some control. He's turning our 5 year old into an Xbox addict. He refuses to take him to bed much before 9pm because he doesn't want him waking him up in the morning (partner is up until 2am on Xbox then moans he's tired all day- apparently not because he's up late). So he'll continually moan at our son if he's up before 8am.

We took our son the the park yesterday and he refused to push him on the swing because it was in the shade and he wanted to be in the sun. So partner sat playing on his phone whilst I took him on the swings (wouldn't be able issue but I've had health issues and was doubled over in pain at times).

If I knew he'd just see the kids every other weekend, I'd cope but he wants our child to hate me.

I wouldn't argue, I'd find a way to be gone. This isn't a life, this is just hell on earth. Fuck him and his attitude!

FFS there's no way he'd go for 50/50! How would he fit in all those big nights out he goes on and stays at his dad's house for, probably cheating on you?!

You need to stop obsessing over the trivial minutiae of what he does day to day and focus on the big picture.

He is abusing your kids for god's sake! What about your elder boy, his stepson, that he taunts and bullies?? Have you done anything to protect him (like sign over full custody to his dad and get him away from this house of horrors?!)

This has been going on since before your youngest child was born, that's over 5/6 years you have been wasting your life and endangering your children's.

You have supportive family, just not local. As you have been told on the literally hundreds of previous threads there is help and support out there. You have a job, family, a decent co-parent in your older child's father. That's more than most abused women.

What are you getting out of this that makes it worth ruining three lives for?? Seriously, explain. Rather than just post waffle about the intricate details of his Xbox schedule. Why aren't you taking your sons and going to your parents??

Each time I see your very recognisable posts I am shocked you are still with this man. But then not at all surprised, as nothing it seems will tear you from him. Even the outright abuse of your children.

You need SS intervention yesterday.

I don't really try to argue. Ironically I've never been an argumentative person, I like to talk and resolve issues. I used to try and listen to him and work through things but he'd get angry and shout. It's less so because I now just walk away but it's so, so frustrating. Living your life with someone who is aggressively shouting for something that isn't true ...it just messes with my head.

He's an absolute grade A dickhead.
I'd change the locks. Unless it's his house?
You need to be away from him permanently. He's vile and abusive. You deserve so much better.

There is nothing to resolve.

You and your dcs are being abused. Day in, day out.

No one is suggesting you argue with him or try and work on anything. The advice, for years, has been to leave him.

Check back at any one of your umpteen threads about this man for the pages and pages of practical advice, links to organisations etc, that people here have offered you.

Yet up to even more recent threads you started you were still desperately wanting him to commit, get a mortgage with you, as you still love him and "just want him to love you"!!!

Cop on, for crying out loud.

Growing up in this house with a zombified shell of a mother (your words) and an abusive "father" figure/bastard step dad will DESTROY your children.

Where is your urgency? Why are you even going to the park with him? Why are you cooking and cleaning for him (and sleeping with him?!)

Please refer yourself to SS. Your kids need protecting and you can't do that whilst you're still in thrall to this monster.

Id leave

He doesn't sound like a narcissist, he sounds like a tosser. Get rid of him.

What's the housing situation @Anon181 ?

Oh no please let it not be this lady who moved this vile man in despite him not getting along with her son. We've had years of this.

Leave. Now.

This is destroying your son, stop making excuses and start planning a better and safer life for your son and yourself. Parents deliberately alienating children and playing each other off is abuse

You have to get out. Your children are small, no idea how old the other one is but if it’s a 5 year old who currently ‘prefers’ him (they don’t by the way, they’re learning to act how he wants to stop him blowing up) -they are young enough now to get them away from him. In five years, it will be too late and you’ll have a ten year old who’s grown up learning to abuse, sneer, dictate and that they don’t have to respect mummy. Then you really will have lost them.

Go to your family. Say you are staying there. He wants the kids to come back - fine, they live with you then and you do everything. He’ll call you all sorts but he won’t do it. Report him for coercive control and get help from DV services. Start them in a new school near your family- they are the perfect age to do this, again, in five years it will be too late.

You can get out. His threats will be just threats as above all he is too lazy to implement them!

Discuss narcissist parental alienation with your solicitor

I've already had discussions with a solicitor. I can't just take my child to my family. He has parental rights and she said he can fight me on it.

I also told them about the abuse and my child witnessing me being pushed, shouted and sworn at. It makes zero difference to anything. I can't afford solicitors (at least not to have a long battle) and he has plenty of money. So I'm stuck. I was feeling motivated and contacted the solicitor but once I'd spoken to her I just felt 10x worse and even more trapped.

The house is rented, both our names. He pays rent and I pay bills. I can't afford to live there alone.

You might get legal aid if there's dv, speak to women's aid and your landlord or agent about moving