MIL making false money promises and owes us money

[TheBlueRobin]

My MIL and I have a very surface level friendly relationship. Me and my partner have been together for six years, not married yet and no children. We bought our own home a few years ago and live about 20 miles from ILs.

My partner has two other siblings who are bad with money - a younger sister who in all fairness is still a student but has no idea about saving and has never done any work. My partner has an older brother who is regularly in money trouble and asks for handouts from family. My partner and I are very sensible with money, both work full time and save, don't go into debt etc.

My MIL is prone to making wild promises about money and never keeping them. She also owes my partner money which in my opinion is more outrageous. Examples:

• When my partner was still living at home, before we met (6+ years ago), he was working full time and saving to move out - she knew he had money and borrowed £5k from him for a holiday caravan. More fool him. She even asked my partner for money for ground rent when he was temporarily between jobs. She has since sold the caravan having realised how much the upkeep would be and my partner has never had the money back, despite promises!

• When we were moving, she promised to buy us new white goods. We saved for our deposit and asked nothing from our ILs but she insisted. Instead she offered a second hand washing machine from a friend that wouldn't even fit in the space.

• We have planned a three week trip abroad, and MIL has promised to give us £1000 as a present. We saved for the trip ourselves and expect nothing. But in MILs own words, my partner and I have always been responsible with money compared to her other two children and she'd like to do something nice for us. This trip is now a week away and nothing has materialised. The last thing she said was that she was waiting for a payout from her old job and it would be £500 that she would give to us. I don't think the money will come at all.

• Despite this she is quite nice and did send my partner £100 for his birthday and £100 to me, almost like she's trying to keep us sweet?

It makes no odds to us, we aren't waiting for the money (though the £5k really annoys me) as we're self reliant. My partner will never lend her money again. In fairness to my ILs, they don't have much money. But why make the outrageous promises knowing you can't keep them? Is it ego? Is it narcissism? Is it bad money management?

It's becuase she thinks saying the words is the same as the action

Not sure what you'd call it but why would you even consider taking money from her when you say they aren't very well off?

The £5k is not really your business, it wasn't your money

A mix of ego and bad money management I'd say. DM is the same! Currently living with us as she's unwell, doesn't pay anything towards bills/food etc, although always promises she will. Mentally I've written it off and know she'll never pay up (I offered for her to come stay, and don't particularly need the money), but every bloody month she mentions she'll give me £200 when she gets her money through, and then every bloody month complains how she's had an unexpected bill (how??) and can't... but she will next month!

I dont know why you're giving it head space

You're not, and your partner isnt, going to lend her money.

Just nod along with any promises knowing that its just something she says sometimes, dont pay it any mind

Who cares why she does it, she does, thats all you need to know

It’s bad money management. She really wants to do it, but when she comes to it, the money isn’t ever there to be able to do it.

she is a decent person, just terrible with money.

The 5k has nothing to do with you that was between your partner and his mum. If I had the money and my mum needed it I would give it to her i get she didn’t ‘need’ it but if I was to lend money would make sure I was okay not to actually get it returned back to me, as iv seen to many times arguments over money and money not being paid back etc
with her promising to give you money maybe she feels bad and has the intention to try and save to give it to you but just can’t afford to? Can you just ask her out right why she does it?
but also I wouldn’t accept money of someone if I knew they couldn’t afford it so next time she offers maybe just decline and get your partner to talks to her and her she doesn’t need to offer anymore

We had a version of this. FIL insisted that he'd be paying for DS to go to private school. Our plan was to send him anyway and we'd never have asked, nor accepted, FIL paying for this. But despite never giving us a penny, it's almost like he believes having said it is as good as having done it 🤷‍♀️

This-it doesn’t need a name. She’s not got much money, is bad with it and promises money she doesn’t have.

She isn’t going to give you £1000 spending money, so just smile and nod when she talks like she will

Thanks all. One thing I also forgot to add that when my partner was a student and living at home, she manipulated his student finance payments so that it went into her account and gave him barely anything. I understand paying board but I think she saw it as another income. He didn't know until he spoke to other students that it wasn't the norm. I personally think that was out of order as my parents or others would never do the same.

The £5k is none of my business and he's written it off - but she can be very manipulative when she wants to be 'everything I've done for you etc etc'. But every so often she'll bring it up 'when we sell your grandad's house, you'll get the money.... when we get this payout, you'll get the money...'

Like I said, we don't expect it, but I do think it makes you look very unreliable to be making false promises all the time. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. I just say 'yeah yeah' and roll my eyes in private. We certainly won't be taking up any 'offers' from her

This is what I suspect. I think she thinks she's done her bit by mentioning it without actually giving us the money.

I wouldn’t even give this head space. As you said the 5k is non of your business it was given before you met so why let it annoy you? Anytime she mentions money just say no thank you. As long as you know never to take her up on an offer of money and then come to rely on that offer you’ll be fine

I think that sometimes when you don’t have very much money yet still want to appear kind and generous, making the gesture can in itself feel like a contribution. I have a friend who does very similar and I’ve just learned that she means well when she says “oh, I want to take you out to dinner to celebrate your promotion / will transfer you the money I meant to give as your wedding present / want to to contribute to the gift you’re buying for X’s new baby” but then looks at what her financial situation actually is and realises she can’t afford it. Nowadays I just say “that sounds great, in your own time.” She gets to save face by making the offer, I don’t embarrass her by reminding her she can’t afford it and never does what she says she will.

If your partner made his student finance applications in his mum’s name and with her bank details then where else did he think the money would be paid, out of interest?

My FIL said the same to us. Nothing had materialised and I don’t expect it to as he’s always promising the world and doesn’t follow through.

Thanks for your reply. Interesting to see there have been similar-esque experiences elsewhere. We don't ever remind her or ask her outright, to basically avoid an awkward conversation for her.

On the student finance, good question. My partner once told me his Mum said that he couldn't be trusted with money and it would be much better if she could keep hold of it and monitor it, my partner has never given any reason for anyone to think he's financially irresponsible but was quite young and just went along with it to avoid arguments (she has a nasty temper). Lessons learnt and all that.

You know now not to trust her with money. Someone who owes you money, is not going to gift you money. You have learned a lesson. Lend her nothing, and expect nothing in return. Someone who borrows £5K off you for a caravann is not the sort of person who is going to be generously gifting you money. Learn from it.

I have this but on a larger scale. I think they want to create the illusion of generosity but it's not the reality. As long as you and your partner are on the same page and he isn't budgeting for these non existent gifts or lending her money then write it off as a non issue.

I hate empty promises. My MIL said she would pay for our stamp duty multiple times… then just never did. Husband rang her to say okay stamp duty needs to be paid today and she just said oh good luck. Her financial position hadn’t changed and she didn’t explain it.

I’ve never been given a penny by family since leaving home at 18 and would never ask for anything. But why offer and then leave us in a situation where we were 6k down??

She wants to look generous but she hasn’t any intention of being so. Or particularly honest.

As long as you don’t believe a word she says, you’re ok.

Make sure no one else does either - she’ll do it to your kids.

After some very bad luck/things had befallen us, one set of our parents promised to buy us a house outright.. grandiose promises, yada yada to make life easier, to see us secure etc...crunch time came to cough up the cash (we had started the legal process and racked up costs) and they then said they didn't want to hand over the money. Was horrifically stressful and upsetting at the time especially as it was their idea in the first place and I didn't ask them to do it! It still stings now, even though I'm glad we did manage to eventually buy a house by ourselves. I feel for you OP- people shouldn't make promises they can't/won't keep. It's like they enjoy the grand gesture and the attention it brings them but don't want to do the tough part and part with what they have promised!

I think it can be a bit of a power play because they enjoy being thanked.

"I'm going to give you X."

"Oh, thank you. That's very kind."

"It's no problem. I want to do something to help you and this seems like a good way."

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

And so on. The conversation can go on for some time. I dislike being put in a position where I have to express gratitude for hypothetical things I don't think would be forthcoming.

It sounds like she's rubbish with money but likes either the idea of being kind/ generous or the gratitude and adulation she receives.

There are more people like the former. Money runs through their hands like water. They have a vague notion that in a couple of months or years they will be much better off and therefore it's going to be possible to make such gifts. But when the time comes they have no spare cash and if called out on it they are shocked that there could be any such expectation even though they said so themselves.

The latter type, the ones who thrive on the idea that others are beholden to them, are a nastier species. My MIL was like this. Very wealthy, always announcing she was going to pay for this or that and loving the lucky serf dancing attendance on her in response. Sometimes she did do as she said but if she deemed there was insufficient grovelling gratitude she would pretend she had never said such a thing. I got wise to her very quickly and avoided the benevolent/beholden charade. When we announced our engagement the first thing she said was I suppose you want to ask me for money towards the wedding. We said no thanks, we'll save up and pay for it ourselves. From what she said to other family members, she was really insulted! You just can't win with some people!

Oh I don't like what she did when dh was a student.

Sounds like she's pretty grabby and money is a power play with her.

I'd decline all offers and promises.

I'd expect the will to be a weapon of choice later on.

If I was your DP, then the next time she mentioned giving money/buying something I would say something to make it clear that whilst the offer is kind, previous offers haven't materialised so I'll assume this one won't either. Or rather than buying me X can we workout a plan to repay the £5k she borrowed.

Since you're not DP, all you should do is nod and smile politely, knowing full well that non of these offers will ever materialise.

You’re not married. I’d let DP sort his own mother out - it’s, thankfully, not your problem. 🙂

@TheBlueRobin

Since it's his mother, it's his problem. Assuming of course that your finances aren't mixed up in it! But it sounds as if both you and DP know and treat her 'promises' for what they're worth, namely nothing, and save up your own holiday money or buy your own white goods. And that DP knows better than to lend her anything.

Just ignore her, murmur "Um-hm' to her offers and do your own thing.